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Before I start this article, I would just like to say something. I'm fat. I have a big fat ass. And I have a big fat ass because I eat too much junk food and too much red meat. I am not about to lie to you. I am a fatass. But you know what? I like myself. I don't obsess about the fact that I have a big ass. So I'm fat. Big deal. At least I'm adult enough to admit it and be comfortable with it. Maybe it's because my self esteem isn't completely tied to my weight.

Now, having said that, I would like to talk about fat bitches who either don't like to admit they're fat or try and say it's because of something completely out of their control. I swear to God, the next time I hear some dumb bitch make some lame ass excuse for being fat, I'm going to slap her. You don't have low metabolism. You don't have a gland problem. You aren't big boned. You didn't inherit it. You aren't retaining fluids. You're fat. FAT, I say. F A T. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT. Big fat ass. Junk in the trunk. Ghetto booty. Badonkadonk. FAT. You're fat. Say it with me. I'm a big fat bitch.

There is nothing wrong with being overweight. Shit, most of the people in this country are overweight. My problem is with the big fat bitches who live in denial of the fact that they're fat. We all know at least a few of them. They're the ones who tell you they have a metabolism or thyroid problem as they're shoveling buckets of candy into their mouth. They sit there consuming junk food in amounts that Jabba the Hut would be jealous of, and then tell you it's a fucking metabolism problem. I got news for you bitch. Your gland isn't the problem. It's your hand. It won't stop shoveling fatty foods into your mouth.

And then there are the girls who just refuse to admit they're overweight. Once again, there is nothing wrong with being overweight. I have met many overweight women whom I have found attractive. But the thing about them is that they know how to dress themselves. I'm fat, so I wear loose-fitting clothing. I don't walk around in tight jeans and a wife beater. Nobody wants to see that. Yet girls seem to think that the fatter they are, the smaller the clothing they should wear. Or maybe they gain fifty pounds, but then don't get bigger clothes. After all, if you never admit you're fat, then you aren't fat. So rather than admit they're fat and buy some new pants that will actually contain their fat ass, they continue to put their much-too-small pants on with a shoe horn. And then the pants aren't big enough so their ass always ends up sticking out and you can see their ass crack. And then they naturally wear tight shirts, too. See, fat chicks don't think of themselves as fat. They prefer to think of themselves as "big chested." Trust me, there's a difference between big boobs and fat boobs. If your stomach sticks out farther than your boobs, you have fat boobs. See, the funny thing is that boobs are pockets of fat, so naturally, the fatter you are, the bigger your boobs are. So these fat chicks wear these really tight shirts that (they think) show off their boobs. The problem starts when the shirt is tighter around their stomach than their boobs. Nothing is more gross than a fat girl whose pot belly is bulging against her shirt. And nobody likes fat saggy boobs anyway. They're gross.

If you are overweight, the way I see it is you have two options to not be in the disgusting fat-chick-who-doesn't-realize-she's-fat category. The first option is to accept your body for what it is. Admit to yourself that you are overweight. Buy some weight-appropriate clothing. Trust me, the only guys you are going to attract wearing tight clothing are ones that are so horny they don't care how ugly you are, they just want head. If, on the other hand, you wear weight-appropriate clothing, you just might get a guy to notice your face and think you're pretty, rather than have guys just fixate on your gigantic ass. Of course if your face is ugly, then you're just fucked. In that case, you might as well wear tight clothing because the only guys who you'll attract anyway are guys so horny they don't care how ugly you are. Believe me, I know plenty of girls like that.

The second option is you follow my two-step method to losing weight. My method is guaranteed with a one hundred percent success rate. The first step is to exercise. Go to the gym, Ride a bike. Walk around the block. Go swimming. Hell, do anything but sit around and stuff your face all day. The second step is the most important, and the easiest, yet most fat chicks just can't seem to grasp the concept so I will explain it as clearly as I can.

STOP EATING SO MUCH SHIT!

There you have it. My foolproof method of losing weight. Trust me, if you exercise, and stop eating so much shit, not even your low metabolism or your thyroid will be able to stop you from losing weight and actually being able to put those pants on without a shoe horn.

crap from 2004