You ever get one of those yearly update letters from friends or relatives? You know, those letters you get every January from all those people you never see or talk to and don't really give a shit about that tell you all about their year and how happy and perfect their life is as though anybody but them gives a flying fuck? Yeah, those letters. Aren't those awesome?
It's always nice getting a "Look how awesome my life was this year" letter from some chucklehead that doesn't give two shits about me unless they have something to brag about. No really. They're a lot of fun to read because the whole concept is so obnoxious and these people don't even realize that all they're doing is giving people an occasion to laugh at them. I don't give two shits how your brat's Little League team did last summer, the color of your new car, the work you did on your house, or any of the other random bullshit your stupid family did last year.
Having said that, my wife and I decided to start writing our own yearly update letters and I thought I would share our first one with all of you. See, I feel like all of you are my family. Like I'm your creepy uncle who you don't really dislike, per se, but you don't want to let me babysit your kids because deep down you're convinced I like little boys. That's me. I'm family. So without further ado, please enjoy...
THE BROWN FAMILY YEARLY UPDATE LETTER FOR 2010
Hey all and Happy New Year. I hope this letter finds you all well and I hope you all had as great a year as we had in 2010. We had a new addition to the family this year. Yep, I came home from work one day and there was a dog in the living room. Not really sure how it got there, but she's mighty cute. Little Molly Brown. Well, not so much little. She's a Labra-Doodle and she's getting rather big. Like to the point where she jumps on us in bed and we have trouble breathing. And in retrospect, bringing a dog into the family, like, RIGHT before winter started was probably not the greatest idea anyone's ever had, what with the potty training and all. So, like, it isn't so much a question of is she going to poop in the house over the course of the day. It's more a matter of how often she's going to poop in the house, and how hard or soft it's going to be. You know, like, are we going to be able to pick the poop up with a paper towel, or are we going to be on our hands and knees for twenty minutes scrubbing poop out of the living room carpet. That kind of thing.
And then we've still got all the cats. There's little Isabelle. We don't really see her much these days. She was always a little anti-social anyway, and the dog, well, the dog pretty much chased Isabelle into the basement and she's been there ever since. Although we know she's still alive because we hear her loud and clear when she's on her period.
Then there's Boss. He probably gets along with the new dog the best out of all the cats. And by get along, I mean he's learned to jump up onto the refrigerator where she can't reach him. He's lost quite a bit of weight this year due to running for his life from the dog. He's looking pretty good these days. Don't get me wrong, he and Molly do work together from time to time. Like how Boss has perfected the art of getting into the trash can to fish out food that he and Molly then eat together. And usually end up having diarrhea together all over the floor. But at least they're doing something together.
And Joey. He and Molly do not get along very well at all. See, they're both super jealous and Molly can't stand when we are playing with the cats so she will run in, start barking, and attack them and/or us. With the other two, they usually end up running away, but Joey fights back. He does not take Molly's crap. No sir. He will punch her right in the face. In a fight between a cat and a dog that's four times the size of said cat, you would think it would be advantage dog, but no. Joey is undefeated. He lets her know that he was here first. Oh, and we finally threw away the chair he had been peeing on. So it doesn't smell quite so much like cat pee anymore. Of course it might, and maybe I just can't smell it over the dog poop smell.
And now onto the human members of the family. Jen had an interesting year. She got totally dissed by a convicted child molester at a wedding. And she went to Washington D.C. for a week and there was apparently a terrorist in the train station she was in. And not, like, the cool terrorists like you see in Steven Seagal movies who are, like, white, and they do their thing with computers. No, this was more like a brown guy with a turban and a bomb made out of sand and his daddy's goat. But they caught him before he could yell "Allah!" and blow the place up, so that was good. She also started school back up. She's taking online classes from the University of Toledo. So she's pretty busy what with the job and the online classes. Doesn't leave quite as much time for the whoopee-making. But we try to go on a romantic getaway once every month or two. We catch a movie and get a hotel room and maybe go swimming. One time we went swimming at a hotel and there were these three dudes who came in together and got in the hot tub together. I'm pretty sure they were gay. They had glasses of wine with them and they were drinking them in the hot tub and, like, rubbing each others' arms and whatnot. I mean, I don't know they were for sure gay. Like, I've never actually seen a gay hot tub party threesome before, so I didn't actually have anything to compare it to, so I could be wrong. It just kinda looked like what I imagine a gay hot tub party threesome would look like.
And then there's me. I've had a pretty busy year myself. I've got the job of course. Same job. You know, the one I started working at when I was in high school. But I'm getting close to paying off my student loans for my college degree, so that's good. And there was a new World of Warcraft expansion, so that was exciting. And TNA turned Jeff Hardy heel. That was an interesting twist. I sure didn't see that one coming. And my standup career is going well. Like, a few months ago I had a benefit show to help raise money for a baby girl who was born with medical problems. And I had to do a half hour of clean material and I did it. That was real exciting to find out that I can do a half-hour, clean, family-friendly set. Of course I did the set in Troy, Ohio in a park shelter with a dead pig being cooked on the other side of the room. And there was only like twenty people there. Well, seven if you don't count people who were volunteering at the thing. And my set was kinda sandwiched in between some lady's mix tape playing on the radio and a game of beer pong. So I mean it may not exactly be Comedy Central Presents, but you gotta start somewhere. And I guess I started at a park shelter in Troy, Ohio with a dead pig. In front of seven people. And sandwiched in between some lady's mix tape and a game of beer pong. And then I got my sperm examined to see if they work or not. And the dude who looked at them who had like this weird dent in his head said I have, like, a ton of sperm. They're everywhere. And he said they're mostly swimming in the right direction, so they're smarter than most sperm. The only concern he had about them is that they were a little fat and slow. So I guess my sperm pretty much take after me. Only they have tails. And they're stickier.
So, yeah, like I said, it was a really eventful year for us here at the Brown household. Yep. Lot going on at the house behind the abandoned movie theatre. Like we thought we had a break-in a few weeks ago while we were at Jen's parents'. So we called the police to have them send someone out to check the house. And I was hoping maybe they'd send out, like, maybe a large male officer. Maybe even a colored fella. You know, someone I could feel safe standing behind if there was someone in the house. But instead they sent out this lady officer that looked like the lesbian deputy from Reno: 911! But at least she was a tough little lady. She was ready to crack some skulls. I actually think she may have been a lesbian.
So, yeah, lot goin' on. So here's hoping for another year as awesome as this one. Happy holidays and I'll see you all later.
Love,
Randy