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I sat down with Willie Wonka to find out if I was right about my nagging suspicion that he was an unapologetic racist. Here's what he had to say.

Randy: Mr. Wonka, some of the evidence in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory seems to suggest that you are in fact a racist.

WonKKKa: That's preposterous. What on earth would make you say that?

Randy: First of all, all the kids who found your golden tickets, thus the only ones with a chance to inherit your chocolate factory, were white. What do you say to that?

WonKKKa: (fidgets) Completly coincidental.

Randy: Mr. Wonka, would you be more comfortable if I turned off the tape recorder? (Wonka nods, Randy turns off the tape recorder, then winks at the camera man.) Okay, tape recorder is off. So what's the real reason all the winners were white?

WonKKKa: You see, I didn't have any heirs, and I didn't want to put my factory up for sale because you never know who would get it, so I came up with the golden ticket idea.

Randy: Did all the children of the world have an equal opportunity to get a golden ticket?

WonKKKa: (fidgets) Okay, not exactly. We sort of marked the boxes that had golden tickets and made certain they went into trucks that would be shipped to white neighborhoods.

Randy: So you wanted to ensure that only white children would win the contest?

WonKKKa: (nodding) Yes. I just don't trust minorities. I grew up in an all-white neighborhood and an all-white school so I just don't trust anyone who isn't white.

Randy: I interviewed a certain woman named Lafonda Jackson who said her son..

WonKKKa: Oh no!

Randy: So you recognize the name?

WonKKKa: Yes. You see, Mrs. Jackson's son Alonzo had a white friend who lived in a white neighborhood. One day the two boys went to a candy store and bought Wonka chocolate bars. Alonzo's had one of the golden tickets. Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, a black kid had gotten a golden ticket.

Randy: So is the story Mrs. Jackson told me true?

WonKKKa: I'm afraid so. I didn't know what else to do. So I found a poor white kid, Charlie Bucket, the kid who got my factory. I told him that Alonzo had a golden ticket and if he got the ticket from Alonzo, he could keep it, and I told him where Alonzo lived and when he slept. So Charlie broke into the Jacksons' home, stole the ticket, and set the house on fire.

Randy: You racist son of a bitch. You had five people killed just because you didn't want an African American child to win a tour of your factory.

WonKKKa: Hey, I didn't want it to happen, I just didn't know what else to do.

Randy: Let's talk about Oompa Loompas.

WonKKKa: (defensively) What about Oompa Loompas. They worked for me.

Randy: Really? They worked for you, you say?

WonKKKa: Yes, of course. I saved all their lives and then offered them all jobs because I'm such a humanitarian.

Randy: A likely story. I took the liberty of looking up your tax records with the IRS.

WonKKKa: Oh God...

Randy: That's right, you sick bastard. According to the IRS, the entire time you owned the chocolate factory, you only had one person on your payroll. The Nazi-looking guy who tried to trick Charlie into selling him that everlasting gobstopper.

WonKKKa: Hey, he wasn't a Nazi anymore when I hired him so get off my back!

Randy: Mr. Wonka, you didn't pay the Oompa Loompas at all.

WonKKKa: That isn't true, they got free room and board and only had to work fourteen hour days seven days a week in return.

Randy: That sounds like slavery to me.

WonKKKa: Hey, I saved all their pathetic lives.

Randy: From what?

WonKKKa: You know, a thing. Something big.

Randy: What big thing?

WonKKKa: All right all right! What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I went deep into a South American jungle and kidnapped an entire race of indigenous people and then brought them to America to use as forced labor to run my factory, which is a front for the White Supremacist movement? Is that what you want to hear?

Randy: Is that the truth?

WonKKKa: YES! I'm a racist and I don't give a fuck what anybody says! I hate minorities! I hate all of them, black, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, Jewish, white, all of them! Well, not white, I'm white. But fuck everybody else!

Randy: You sick son of a bitch! Using a candy making business to further your own racial agenda! You make me ashamed to be a candy-eating white person! I hope you rot in hell!

WonKKKa: No. (pulls out a gun) You, sir, will rot in hell. Oh, fuck, I brought my squirt gun by accident. Well, I guess you can live. I'll see you later, I've got a Klan rally to attend.

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