It has come to my attention that apparently my article God dammit I hate Christmas is offensive to people of the Christian persuasion. Apparently some of you find my assertion that Jesus was the illegitimate love child of a shepherd rather than the son of God himself, to be blasphemous and offensive. Apparently it's not okay to suggest that the blessed virgin Mary was in fact a skanky ho who got around.Well excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me. I call it like I see it, and frankly I find the whole virgin birth thing to be just a little far fetched and a little bit scientifically impossible. And besides, the nicest girls are always the dirtiest in the bedroom. Trust me, I know. Having slept with tens of thousands of women, I am enough of an expert to say with confidence that the girls who seem the nicest and most proper are without question the dirtiest in bed.
But I understand your concern. Upon further reflection, I've decided that perhaps I shouldn't have written that Mary was banging the shepherds. Instead I should have included this cartoon.
I am going to hell for sure. Trust me, if there is such a place as hell, I'll have the best seat in the house. Right about now, Adolph Hitler is looking down from where he is and watching my own personal hell hole being dug even deeper and going "Damn." But there you have it. Where Jesus really came from. At least in my opinion. One day they will change the Bible to accommodate my theory, you just wait.
By the way, that thing watching the shepherd do Mary from behind is supposed to be a sheep. I'm not what you would call "artistically talented."
Christians' heads just exploded in shock that anyone would actually write this