Why is it every time I make fun of old fuckers, some damn hippie has to throw in their unwanted two cents about how I'm going to be old one day? Of course I'm going to be old one day you stupid asshole. And you know what? I'm going to be a damn cool old fucker, because I'm going to take all my geriatric aggression out on young people whose dicks still work. Plus, old people get away with whatever the hell they want because they're old so people either make excuses for them or feel sorry for them because they're about to die. Bearing that in mind, I've developed the "Me As An Old Fucker Hypothesis." It goes:
Me Pissed Off At The World + Me Able To Say And Do Whatever The Fuck I Want And Get Away With It = Awesome
For example, I just might:
Drive 20 miles under the speed limit with my hand out the window flipping off everyone behind me. What are they going to do? Beat up some old fucker? Yeah, try finding a lawyer to defend that.
Intentionally shit my pants when I'm in a nursing home, then make some young guy whose cock still works wipe my ass, then shit on him while he's doing it.
Tell all the nurses to show me their titties. Of course, the way our culture is getting sluttier by the year, nurses might be walking around topless at that point anyway. If they are, I'll tell the ugly ones to put a shirt on.
When younger relatives give me some shitty Christmas present, throw it at them.
When younger relatives stop by for the obligatory nursing home visits on major holidays, take a shit on a newspaper, place it under the couch they'll be sitting on, and then pretend I don't smell anything out of the ordinary.
Go to Bingo night, and yell Bingo after every single call.
Argue with the cashiers at the grocery store about how everything is too damn expensive.
Pay for everything in pennies.
Drop half said pennies on the floor, then make the hapless clerk I'm attempting to pay pick them up for me since I can't because of my arthritis and my bad back.
Go to Bob Evans every morning half an hour before they open and pound on the door until they let me in.
Ask them why my food takes so long every day because McDonald's is always faster than Bob Evans.
Write letters to the editor every day about those damn kids.
On Trick or Treat night give all the kids candy wrappers filled with toothpaste.
Walk very slowly halfway across the street at crosswalks, then walk back as though I forgot where I was going, then turn around and go back the way I was going.
"Forget" to pay when I eat out at restaurants. Or really do anything anywhere.
Then, if they stop me, insist that I already paid them, when they argue with me, make a big scene about how they discriminate against the elderly.
Every time I go out anywhere demand the thermostat be turned up 10 degrees and all TVs be switched to CNN.
Go to bars, find the sluttiest-looking 20-somethings there and ask them if they accept the Golden Buckeye Card.
Then tell them how sad it is to be old and guilt them into having sex with me.
Damn, I'm gonna be one cool old fucker.