Well, I had so much fun with my debut night of standup that I went back with a new and better set. I was a lot more comfortable, more charismatic, and felt a lot better about my set. It was just a lot more of the fucked-up, disgusting, twisted, WTF mess of half-ass jokes that is me. I got the best reaction by far of the eight people there (excluding the night's headliner) and had people come up to me after the show telling me they loved my set (including the night's headliner). So here for your enjoyment is my second standup set, which I affectionately refer to as "Wheelchair Pootang." Hopefully soon I will be finished with my next set, whose working title is "Fat Guy Seatbelt."
"Wheelchair Pootang"
My wife and I just moved into a new neighborhood. It's a good neighborhood, there's like three bars within a block of our new house. It's nice because now I can walk home from the bar. Normally when I leave the bar and get into my car those damn cops know exactly where to find me. I swear to God, you hit one little girl scout troop and you're pegged for life.
When I was in high school, I had a shitty restaurant job. I hated it. We had the biggest, fattest, asshole manager who liked to take his pinky-dick aggression out on all of us peons. So I worked hard and I got into college. I went to college, worked hard, and four years later I became the first from my family to earn a bachelor's degree. Five years after earning that bachelor's degree I still have that same shitty restaurant job I had in high school. But at least now I'm the fat angry asshole taking his pinky-dick aggression out on all the little peons. Yes, that's right. It's revenge of the pinky-dick.
I think the problem may be the college I went to, Wright State. When you go into a job interview and say that you went to Wright State, people just assume you're either handicapped or retarded. Wright State is one of the best schools in the country for the handicapped, so that's a very large percent of their student body. It's actually nice for a guy like me. See, I was a virgin when I entered college. I know, hard to believe someone with such awesome rockin' man tits as me could still be a virgin entering college but it's true. But I wanted to go to a decent-sized school because I figured out of thousands of chicks, at least one of them had to be willing to fuck me. But just in case there wasn't I figured I'd go to a good school for the handicapped so if nothing else there would be a lot of chicks who couldn't outrun me.
Unfortunately, my plan to get me some wheelchair pootang fell through before it ever came to fruition. See, handicapped people are the same as the rest of us. They can be the nicest person in the world, but put them behind the wheel, and shit goes crazy. And just like on the road, the wheels always beats the pedestrian. And in the case of people in wheelchairs vs pedestrians, the pedestrians do not have right of way. If you are walking down the sidewalk and you're in the way of someone on a wheelchair, they will run your ass over. Some people in wheelchairs wouldn't move if Jesus Christ himself was in their way. Until you've lived among a large wheelchair population, you cannot imagine just how much abuse I got at the hands of the handicapped. The first week of school alone, I was injured twice by handicapped people.
The first one was actually the very first day of school. Now, understand that the summer before I went to college I broke my foot jumping around like an asshole listening to Nine Inch Nails. Not one of my finer moments, and it cost me six weeks in a cast the summer between high school graduation and my freshman year of college. I actually had the cast taken off my foot two days before I moved into my new dorm, so it had been off less than a week before I started college classes. So my first day of class I'm practicing walking again, and some fucker in a wheelchair comes flying by and ran straight over my foot that had just recently been broken. So it was my first day of college and there I was running down the hall chasing after a kid in a wheelchair threatening to beat his ass.
The next incident came a couple days later. There was a blind kid with a cane walking down the hall, and he ended up clocking me square in the nuts with his cane. So after I could breathe again I was running down the hall chasing after a blind kid threatening to beat his ass.
And can I just say that getting hurt by someone with a handicap is a lose-lose situation. If anybody else in the world hit you in the balls, you could just kick their ass on the spot and it would be expected. But when a blind kid does it, no. You can either walk away with hurt pride and a purple nutsack, or you can let them know how it is and throw down. And if you throw down with a blind kid, you're just screwed, because then you're either the asshole who beat up the blind kid, or the pussy who got beat up by the blind kid. And I don't know which one of those is worse.
In my case I just yelled at them, but of course nobody saw them running me over and clocking me in the nuts. All they saw was some fat guy running down the hall yelling at those poor handicapped kids, which is how my first week I got stuck with the name “Cripplehater.” I'd go into a class with 30 people I'd never seen in my life and someone would recognize me as that asshole who was chasing the blind kid and say “Hey look everybody, it's Cripplehater.” Try going to a college party at a school that caters to the handicapped and getting laid when your name is Cripplehater. It's bad enough being a fat guy with a tiny crooked penis, but when you throw in Cripplehater, they just don't make roofies strong enough for that.
Believe it or not, wheelchair violence is actually a recognized problem by the administration at Wright State. There are flyers up around campus directing you to call a phone number to report what they call “wheelchair abuse.” Like when you call the police to report an accident on the highway. I'd love to be in the room when those calls go in. “Looks like we've got another wheelchair hit-and-run. The suspect was operating a cherry red 2003 Mitsubishi power chair with blue flame decals. He was last seen headed westbound towards Oelman Hall and should be considered extremely dangerous. Please send backup.”
I just don't see what good can possibly come of this. What the fuck are they gonna do? Take their wheelchair away? “Sorry Tiny Tim, but you ran over Cripplehater's broken foot so from now on you're going to have to pull yourself around campus on a blanket.”
I just got a new phone last week. It's one of those phones that you can use as a camera, which I've never had before, so that's kinda cool. Of course, as soon as I figured out how to work the camera feature on it, I did what any other guy would do in that situation. I took a picture of my penis. I did. I pulled it out and took a picture and then I sent it to my wife.
My wife was at home at the time so I was expecting to get the usual wife reaction whenever I do something stupid. “Oh my God!” Well a little bit later the “Oh My God” still hadn't come so I walked into the other room and asked her if her phone was on. She said it was. I asked her if she had any new messages. She said she didn't.
So apparently I sent the picture of my penis to the wrong phone number. Yeah, there is probably a picture of my schlong floating around on the internet right now. Check your email, you might have a link in your inbox. You know like those emails you get titled “SEE PARIS HILTON NAKED!” I never understood those emails anyway. Is seeing Paris Hilton naked really an accomplishment? All you have to do is ask. Or just follow her around for like fifteen minutes and her clothes are just bound to come off.
So I've now probably got those emails floating around now. CLICK HERE TO SEE CRIPPLEHATER'S PENIS!