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Well, it's Thanksgiving and we all know what that means. On this day, in our culture we all pretend, if only for one day, not to be the greedy, unappreciative, money-grubbing, ungrateful shits that we actually are. I have decided to honor this most cherished of American traditions by making a list of all the things I am thankful for.

Boobs.

The new Blade movie that's coming out. God knows damn near every other movie to come out this year has completely sucked my balls. But it's okay because on December 8th, Blade returns to the big screen to beat the shit out of some people. I hear that in this movie he fights Dracula. They better not make Dracula gay like they did in Van Helsing or I'll be pissed. That Dracula was so fucking queer.

Football.

Madden, the greatest fucking video game ever.

Sevendust.

Internet porn.

The recently released Greg the Bunny DVD with all the episodes made, including two that never aired. It's amazing some of the shit that stays on the air but that show got cancelled after eleven shows. That's such horse shit.

The McRib sandwich, back for a limited time only at a McDonald's near you.

Playboy magazine

I'm finally done with school. Now if only I was done paying for school.

I'm engaged so in a few months I will have somebody to cook for me and do my laundry and clean my apartment. My apartment is pretty messy as always and I need a woman to clean up after me. Oh and I should probably say I'm thankful to have found a life-long partner and best friend and blah blah blah blah blah.

My diarrhea is gone.

So's that big boil on my ass.

The fact I'm not as dumb as some of the morons running free in today's society.

Boobs.

Skyline chili, home of the messiest coney dog money can buy.

Christopher Reeve finally keeled over so people stop talking about how fucking heroic he supposedly is for falling off a horse and having the guts to not kill himself. I bet he tried to kill himself but couldn't because he was crippled. Christopher Reeve was a homo and his movies sucked and he sucked as Superman. Although Superman is one of the gayest super heroes ever so it was actually a pretty good fit.

Super heroes that don't completely suck ass like Blade and Batman and some of the X-Men. Although I will never forgive those bastards for casting Halle Berry as Storm in the X-Men movies, but she only has like four lines per movie so it could be worse.

Speaking of Halle Berry, I'm thankful I didn't see Catwoman with that ho. God I'm pissed they cast her as Catwoman. I'm sorry but Michelle Pfeiffer is Catwoman. Part of what made her so hot was the fact she was completely covered in leather. They just paraded Halle Berry around in her underwear like a skank. God I hate that bitch. But Michelle Pfeiffer was awesome. Sometimes I still think about her as Catwoman when I'm playing with myself.

Two hot dogs for 99 cents every day at Speedway.

That old bitch who was an overnight cashier at Meijer got fired. Either that or she died or went to a nursing home or something. In any case I don't have to put up with her dumbass anymore.

Nobody has asked me to see a Ben Stiller movie with them this year. I would hate to have to punch out my friends.

Rally's awesome fattening burgers.

I just took a big dump and I feel better now so I'm thankful for that.

I haven't gone blind from self abuse yet.

God hasn't struck me down for any of the horrible things I've done. Yet.

I haven't gotten butt-raped or anything so that's pretty cool. Of course I don't wipe so that might be why.

My two older cats have stopped sniffing each other's buttholes so much. I still have to pull the youngest one's head out of the other two's buttholes every once in a while.

Speaking of buttholes, I haven't seen any commercials for any Jack Black movies since School of Rock. Maybe people finally realized that he isn't funny and he's nothing but an ugly deuche bag, so he isn't getting any more movie roles ever again. God that would be awesome.

I'm thankful I have a web site where I can bitch incessantly about whatever the fuck I want.

I'm thankful this fucking holiday only comes around once a year.

I think that's about it. Oh yeah, boobs.

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