I heard a disturbing rumor today that Vin Diesel has another movie coming out. But this isn't just any Vin Diesel movie. Oh no. First of all, upon closer examination, the new Diesel movie, called Pacifier, is produced by Disney. Disney and Vin Diesel. Either one by itself is bad enough, but together they're a match made in hell. A brief synopsis of the movie according to the official Disney site, is as follows:
Action hero Vin Diesel is a Navy Seal-out-of-water when he is assigned to protect a family of five out-of-control kids. Now he's finding out what tough really is when he pits his combat skills against diapering, den-mothering, and drivers education.
I have so many objections to the making of this movie I don't know where to begin. First of all, Vin Diesel is just this side of retarded. I watched the trailer for the movie and was amazed because once again Vin Diesel lands a part for which he can barely pronounce the dialogue. How the hell does this dumbass keep getting parts in movies? I understand you don't have to be a Rhode's scholar to get a part in an action movie, but Jesus Christ, at least get somebody who can pronounce their fucking lines.
Back in the late eighties and early nineties, action movies were in their heyday, we had Steven Seagal, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Sylvester Stallone all in action and they all kicked ass. Now granted, Steven Seagal couldn't act his way out of a nutsack, but at least he can pronounce his God damn lines and he has some pretty bad ass fight scenes. He still gets credit for my all-time favorite movie line. In "Above the Law" he is surrounded by the bad guys but he gets the jump on them before they can reach their weapons. He tells them all to put their hands in the air or he'll shoot. So one dumb son of a bitch says "You can't kill all of us," to which Steven replies "No, but I'll get an A for effort," and shoots him. Ha ha ha. I still crack up when I remember that scene.
But I digress. Vin Diesel is a shitty actor who can't even act like he isn't retarded. The only reason he ever got any movie parts is because he's got the "I use steroids and wear sunglasses inside" look. And I'm waiting for the day I meet Vin Diesel so I can kick his ass. I'm going to ask him what the square root of "x" is, and when he goes "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH," I'll kick him in the balls and then run like hell. And this dipshit is supposed to be this generation's answer to Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Seagal?
And no matter who they got to be this part, this movie would suck balls anyway. Didn't they just make this same fucking movie with Hulk Hogan a few years back? What the fuck? It was a shitty idea then and it's an even shittier idea now because it has already proven to be shitty so doing it again makes it even more shitty. Fucking Disney. I guess they ran out of ideas for movies about really hot animated chicks with boner-inducing cleavage. They need to get back to that because everything else they do sucks.
In my search for information on The Pacifier, I ran across a movie poster for another Vin Diesel movie, which comes out next summer. I think this one has some promise because it appears they actually cast Vin Diesel in a role that makes sense for him. I think this could be an Oscar-winning effort for Vin because he's such a natural at the part. Here is the poster:
people think I found the worst Vin Diesel picture I possibly could have