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Well, it's Valentine's Day, and if you're like me, you haven't gotten anything for your wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy/mistress. So here's some ideas that are sure to get you laid.

Tires

Diet pills

A middle-aged hooker

A copy of that sex tape she didn't know you made

Granny panties

A laundry basket full of your dirty clothes

A card made with a marker and construction paper

Breast implants

Free therapy sessions

Those panties her sister/best friend left at your place

A gift certificate to your favorite store

A porno so she can see how real women do it

Deodorant

One of those "sexy coupon books" with all the dirty stuff you want her to do written on them

That really skanky lingerie you want her to wear

Flowers you picked from her yard

That new video game you really want

A picture of your new girlfriend

A list of all the things she could be doing better

Nothing

You see, I'm full of great ideas. You can thank me later.