Is "The Expendables" the greatest movie in the history of filmmaking? The short answer is, well, yeah. Duh, what are you, fucking retarded? The other day I was caught in a debate with someone who was trying to tell me it wasn't. Not only is it the greatest movie ever made. It's not even close. It's like, "The Expendables" is at number 1, and "The Matrix" is down at 12. I'm skipping numbers 2 through 11. That's how far ahead of everything else "The Expendables" is. It's not even a debate. Anyone who disagrees is either a chick, gay, or retarded.
First of all, just with the cast alone it would be the best ever just on paper. Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Randy Couture. Just having all these people in the movie would put it at least top 50 all time, regardless of what they were doing. It could have been a movie just showing these eight guys just sitting on their asses watching TV and it would've been a classic. Or even just a regular action movie and it would've been top 10 all time. But no, it was the perfect movie with the perfect cast that was a celebration of the perfect movie genre.
It was Sly with a camera who got some of the biggest action stars of the last three decades together and said "Let's make an action movie like they don't make anymore to show everyone how it should be done. And he fucking did it. To celebrate the action movie genre he made the biggest, baddest action movie ever. He got the biggest stars, gave them the biggest, loudest weapons, put them in the best fight scenes, with the biggest scenarios, and made the biggest, loudest, most badass movie ever conceived. And nobody else could have done it. I mean that. Who else but Stallone could come up with an idea to have 5 super ultimate badasses go in and overthrow an entire government backed by a rogue CIA agent and then actually pulled it off in such spectacular fashion? Nobody, that's who. Then throw in all the inside jokes and tributes to the movies we grew up on and you get the greatest fucking movie ever. And he even had everyone play the exact same roles they did within the genre. Stallone and Schwarzenegger were the two premier guys in the industry until Schwarzenegger wanted to go into politics, leaving Sly the top dog remaining. Jason Statham is the up-and-comer getting ready to take over for Sly who's getting older. Jet Li is the little guy who is an amazing fighter who always gets tangled up with guys much bigger than him and who has a very loose grasp on the English language. Dolph Lundgren is the dopey giant who never seems quite all there, is dangerously unstable, and who has a very loose grasp on the English language. Even Eric Roberts played his part to perfection. That being the part of the annoying shitstain that everyone wants to beat the hell out of and just wishes would get lost.
But, just in case this all isn't enough for you, I've taken the liberty of making a graph comparing "The Expendables" to the other five greatest movies ever using universally accepted movie-judging criteria. The movies used were the original "X-Men," "The Matrix," "Demolition Man," "The Bourne Identity," and "Lord of the Rings." I can't decide which of the three LOTR movies I liked best, but none were as good as "The Expendables" anyhow, so it doesn't really matter anyway.
For the criteria, there's obviously bonus points for anything Stallone or Schwarzenegger is in. Then you need a badass hero. See, for an actor to be an action star they have to be believable as someone who could kick your ass. They don't necessarily need to have superhuman size or strength, a smaller guy who's a good fighter or martial arts expert (such as Steven Seagal or Jet Li) is a believable badass. This is why Ben Affleck could never be an action star, I could kick his ass.
You need a weaseldick villain everyone wants to see get their ass kicked. You need a hot chick that badass hero can go home and nail after a long day of ass-kicking. For the fighting itself you need a spectacular explosion, at least one memorable fight scene, and someone dying in a unique or hilarious way. Foreigners getting their ass kicked is always a plus. A really kickass weapon (such as the Rambo knife) can add lots of prestige to an action movie. And finally, you need great one-liners, with Arnold Schwarzenegger being the undisputed king of this category.
As you can see, "The Expendables" is the only movie ever made containing everything you could possibly want in a great movie, thus rendering it the greatest movie ever made. End of debate. I win. Shut the fuck up.