Before I get started, I want to say that I did enjoy the new Superman movie, Superman Returns. I think the movie did a great job of reintroducing Superman to the movie screen. It's a different scene now than in the days of Christopher Reeve where there are more superhero movies to choose from. Many feared an anti-Superman backlash due to the fact that he's not as "cool" as some of the other superheroes, he's no longer culturally relevant, and he's just too damn perfect. I like the way this was thematically represented with Lois Lane's "Why the world doesn't need Superman" article (which I'm kind of dissapointed that we didn't get to hear a reading of). I also thought Brandon Routh and Kevin Spacey made for a great Superman-Luthor tandem and I look forward to them facing off in more movies in the future. Having said that, I have a few unanswered questions about Superman Returns...
What the hell took him five years? He can take off from the earth's surface and fly up into space and be beyond the earth's gravitational pull in a matter of seconds, yet it took him five freakin years to get to the place where Krypton used to be, confirm that it was nothing but rubble, and get back to Earth.
How soon after Superman left did Lois move onto the new guy? Superman impregnated her, yet she told everyone it was the new guy's son. That means she would have had to get pregnant almost immediately before Superman left, then immediately hop in bed with the new guy. So either everyone is REALLY dumb to think Superman Jr. is the new guy's kid, or she's a whore.
Speaking of Superman Jr., what's to say that Lois and Superman can even make a child? They're two separate species from two separate planets. How do we know their reproductive systems are compatible enough to be able to produce offspring?
And since they had a kid, either they weren't using a condom or his super-sperm broke the condom. If they weren't using a condom, why not? He's from a different planet, you don't know what he could have. You could be introducing an entirely new STD onto the world. And also, he's Superman, he could have banged any number of chicks over the years and he could have any number of STDs. Or at least be a carrier, his immune system might be too strong to show symptoms himself.
And if his immune system is so awesome, how come his kid, who we are to assume inherited his powers, has asthma?
And if he has his powers, why didn't he just bust open the door on the ship when they were all trapped? We hear Lois ask him if he can help, but he doesn't do anything.
With regards to future movies, doesn't Superman having a kid REALLY complicate matters and make for a crappy, family-oriented Superman?
And speaking of complicating matters, Lois's fiance didn't die, which means they have to figure out a way to write him out of the story. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, so she can't just leave him for Superman, otherwise she'll look like a total bitch. But on the other hand, you have to get Lois and Superman back together, so he has to get out of the picture somehow. He has to (a) team up with the bad guys, giving Lois a valid reason to ditch him and go back to Superman (b) die, making Lois look like a whore when she immediately starts fucking Superman without a condom again, or (c) decide to leave Lois because she's clearly still in love with Superman, making the audience feel sorry for him, instead of being happy for Superman and Lois.
When her fiance asked her if she had been in love with Superman, why did she say she hadn't when they both knew that was bullshit?
And wouldn't it really suck to find out that the kid you've been raising is really Superman's kid, who your fiance was in love with and now he's back and she still loves him?
So they've gone with Christopher Reeve vs Gene Hackman, and now a new unknown actor vs Kevin Spacey. Are they secretly hoping we cheer for Lex Luthor?
Could there have been a more perfect line to set up Lex Luthor as an evil, sadistic bastard than "You can keep this, everything else is mine," as his "wife" lay dying in her bedroom?
And his whole evil plot to build his own continent and then sell the land to people who would have to evacuate the old continents as they went underwater made no sense to me. What makes him so sure the nations of the world wouldn't just attack him for killing all those people and then just take his land away when he was dead?
And how much could you really get for land that was rocky and spiked everywhere and would be an architechtural nightmare to build on?
So was Kitty supposed to be his girlfriend or what? She hung around him and was always with him, but was really annoying and was always pissing him off. You'd think Lex Luthor could do better.
When they were stuck on the island with her dog and no food, did anyone else think he was thinking of eating her instead of her dog, if only to shut her up?
And would you have cheered if he had killed her to make her shut up?
When Lois's fiance made the observation that Clark Kent and Superman were about the same height and weight (suggesting that he was Superman) did anyone else think "why would that be what tipped you off instead of them looking exactly alike and them both leaving and coming back five years later AT THE EXACT SAME TIME?"
How much do you think Marlon Brando's family gets for them continuing to use his voice and image in Superman movies years after he first appeared in a Superman movie?
And don't you think he's turning in his grave knowing that of all the classic movies he was a part of, the Superman franchise (which he had a very small part in) is what's going to keep bringing his name up on TV and in entertainment magazines for years to come?
Speaking of turning in his grave, wasn't it spooky how closely Brandon Routh resembles a young Christopher Reeve?
And considering the use of Brando in this movie, was anyone else surprised they didn't have any footage of Christopher Reeve in the previous movies?
But wasn't the scene of Superman blowing out Lois's lighter when she goes to light a cigarette a nice bit of nostalgia?
But come to think of it, how come Lois never told him to stop blowing and let her smoke her fucking cigarette?
And do you think he told her to blow out her cigarette after they finished having the sex that resulted in their illegitimate bastard child?
How much you wanna bet he didn't have to try very hard to get her naked?
And how much you wanna bet that when the next Superman movie comes out there will be no fiance for Lois, no Superman Jr. and no explanation for any of it?