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So you want a Star Wars spoiler? Fine, I'll give you your fuckin spoiler. Star Wars Episode 3 is going to suck. There's your spoiler.

How do I know this, you ask? Easy. Every Star Wars movie ever made has sucked big fat donkey balls and I don't see any reason in the world why this one should be any different. First of all, the original movies sucked. I actually never watched all three of them all the way through until I was in high school. Then finally I decided that if I was going to make fun of Star Wars nerds mercilessly, I should probably watch the movies myself to make sure they suck. So I watched them, and they sucked. Big fat penis. First of all, Luke Skywalker was entirely too fruity. I mean he's supposed to be saving the universe for God's sake. At least get somebody who doesn't prance around like a damn homo. Then you had Princess Leia who was clearly a dyke. I didn't like that bitch one damn bit. She was just a prissy uptight little bitch and I wanted to smack her. When I watched the part where she was being held prisoner by Jabba the Hut, I was really hoping she'd get eaten. Or killed. Or anything bad, I'm not too particular. Han Solo was supposed to be the hardass rebel, but he mostly just looked like a homeless dumbass. Obi Wan Kenobi had a stupid name and he pissed me off. Darth Vader and the Storm Troopers were just a fucking joke. They weren't scary at all, and as elite as they were supposed to be, they certainly got manhandled by amateurs an awful lot.

Then there were the non-human shitty characters. You had Chewbacca who was clearly retarded. I realize he was speaking a different language or whatever, but it was the same eight syllables over and over. He sounded kind of like a deaf person when they talk, just a bunch of garbled, guttural crap. Then we had the Ewoks, who were basically Care Bears with weapons. And most annoying of all you had the two retarded robots. R2D2 did nothing but spin around and beep and otherwise annoy the fuck out of me all movie long and See Threepio was obviously a homosexual. I know he was a robot, but they couldn't have made him any more gay if they tried. And of course we can't forget Yoda, possibly the single most overrated movie character in all of cinematic history. Have a very annoying voice I do. Know how to talk like a normal person I do not. Stop being so God damn annoying I must.

Then there were the incredibly shitty plots, but I don't feel like going into them right now. We've all seen the movies so you should be able to figure out why they were retarded.

Now moving on to the more recent shitty movies. I will tell you right now that I have not seen either of the newer movies and do not plan to. Ever. First of all, there was nothing in the first three shitty movies that made me want to see any more movies. The thing that really cracks me up about the newer movies is how over-hyped they are, they both failed to meet expectations, and people are once again talking about how the third movie is going to be so great. When Episode 1 came out it was supposed to be the biggest thing in history. Here the Star Wars movies made so much money and they had just rereleased them in theatres. That's another thing I couldn't figure out. Why the hell would you pay eight bucks to see a movie in the theatre when you can rent it for less than half that? And most of the people who saw them in theatres probably had the movies at home already anyhow.

But I digress. The first movie was supposed to totally blow people away, and then once it came out, everyone was dissapointed. Even die-hard Star Wars fanatics admitted that it wasn't very entertaining and that they were dissapointed. But every last one of them as a qualifier said that the reason it wasn't very good is because they were just setting up the second movie, so the second movie would be awesome. So then the second movie came out and everyone was all excited again because this time they knew they would be blown away. Only it didn't happen. Again. Again, they came away from theatres dissapointed. Again they said it wasn't very good, but that was okay because it was just setting up the next movie to kick ass. So now, EPisode 3 is soon to be in theatres and once again, nerds everywhere are anticipating the movie of the millenium.

Okay timeout. I have two big problems with this line of reasoning. First, if people were wrong about the first movie sucking to set up the second to be good, how the hell can you be so sure that the third movie is going to be good? Second, even if the third movie were the best damn movie you'd ever seen, that doesn't justify having to watch two shitty movies just to set things up for the third one. Think about it, if two thirds of the new material sucks, then how can you say that it's good overall. That would be like if the first two Lord of the Rings movies had sucked and people saying it was still a great trilogy because the third one kicked ass. No, it doesn't work that way. To be considered a good trilogy, you need to have three good movies, not two crappy build-up movies and a good finish. Take the Blade trilogy for example. The first two movies were awesome, the third blew. So overall I would not say it was a good trilogy. The first Matrix movie was awesome, the last two sucked ass. So The Matrix was a good movie, but not a good trilogy. Likewise, even if Episode three is a good movie, the three-movie trilogy will not be a good trilogy. But as I've said already, the third movie is going to suck so it's a moot point anyway. So when you go to the movie theatre for the midnight showing of Episode three dressed in your Storm Trooper outfit or carrying your fake light saber like a faggot, you won't see me in line. You may, however, see me sitting outside in a lawn chair with a beer and a tub of popcorn laughing at all you jackasses in your Star Wards outfits. Nerds.

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