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I've always had this nagging suspicion that everyone in the world is retarded but me. These movies prove it.

Pirates of the Carribean

This movie blew. Everybody kept telling me that it was a great movie and I had to see it. They said it was funny and a really fun movie to watch. I said it looked like a fucking stupid movie. They said it had Johnny Depp. I said Jingle All The Way had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it and that didn't stop it from sucking. Just because a movie has somebody whose movies I usually like doesn't mean it's a good movie. There are some great actors who have done some very shitty movies. Kind of like Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger. And normally I like Steven Segal, but that movie Fire Down Below had me vomitting in my seat. He just beat up a bunch of rednecks and it had a fucking country music soundtrack. It was basically an action country music video. But anyway, back to Pirates. I finally decided to watch it just to prove that everyone else was wrong about it. And they were. It sucked. Johnny Depp was okay, but even he couldn't save that shitty movie. "Argh, look at me, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow and I'm a fucking pirate stereotype who drinks a lot and has a bunch of corny one-liners and I captain a pirate ship from hell, Argh!" Oh, and Orlando Bloom is a fag and I hate him. He was just about the only part of the LOTR movies I didn't like. That and the hobbits, those things piss me off. Fat retarded faggots.

Finding Nemo

I have never seen this movie. I just know it sucks because I'm smart like that.

Napoleon Dynamite

See Napoleon Dynamite: proof that any dumbass can make a movie.

There's Something About Mary

For some reason, people still persist in thinking that Ben Stiller is funny, rather than a boring, retarded asshole. This movie is widely regarded as possibly Ben Stiller's best, with the possible exception of Meet the Parents, which also sucked. This movie had so many comedians who weren't funny that it could have posed as Saturday Night Live. I remember how this movie was supposedly edgy because it was unheard of to use some of the "humor" they did. Oh look at me, I made a joke about semen! Ha ha ha, I'm too fucking stupid to know the difference between hair gel and semen so I'm going to put some semen in my hair! Ha ha ha, I made a funny about semen, how pioneering of me!" I'm sorry, but in order to be considered "edgy" a joke must first be "funny." If all you're doing is putting something about semen in the movie just so you can get a shock, then it isn't edgy, it's a stupid marketing ploy. Oh and then there was the hilarious bit where her dog attacked Ben Stiller's character and ended up accidentally jumping out of the window. Oh that dog in a body cast was just precious. Oh and "Woogie" who had the shoe obsession. Comedic fucking gold.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Where to begin. First of all, they couldn't have found an uglier kid to play Charlie Bucket. By the way, what kind of stupid name is Charlie Bucket anyway? If my name was Charlie Bucket, I'd probably kill myself. If not because of the name, I would kill myself for being that God damn ugly. Jesus, it hurt to look at that kid. Then all those other kids who won the tour were really fucking annoying. I know they were supposed to be, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. Although I did get a good laugh at that fat little lardass. At least I'm not that kid. God he was fat. Then there were those fucking Oompa Loompas. Jesus Christ they were annoying. First of all, they had an a very annoying name. Second of all, they kept fucking singing. Nothing is more annoying than singing. The fact they were orange pissed me off too. They were so fucking ugly. Why couldn't they have been green or blue or something? No, they had to be orange, ugliest color in the world. And then there was the ending. Did anyone else besides me question the thought process behind turning an entire corporation over to a little kid? Especially a poor little kid. Poor people can't manage money if it falls into their lap all at once. Why do you think so many athletes and musicians go bankrupt two years after they retire? Because they never learned how to manage money because they got a ton of it all at once. I want to see the sequel to this movie where Charlie's lack of business knowledge ran the company into bankruptcy and they end up being taken over by Hershey and Charley's ugly ass goes broke and then kills himself with alcohol poisoning. Oh and I think Willie Wonka was a racist too. See my interview with him.

The Princess Bride

Quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Not only did this movie have Fred Savage, but it managed to fail in being funny in so many different ways. But the part about this movie that pissed me off most was the incredibly annoying dialogue. It was full of lines that became cult icons and have been adopted by drama queen jerkoffs who spout the lines as though they are saying something clever and dramatic. I actually saw a publication online recently that was a survery of movie watchers about the ten most memorable movie lines of all time and four of the ten were from this fucking movie.The most annoying one of all was the classic "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." This is repeated ad nauseum by the Spanish guy during the final showdown with the man who had killed his father. Then there was "As you wish" which was what the main character always said to the girl whose family he served as a secret way of saying that he loved her. Fucking irritating as hell. Then there was "inconceivable" which was shouted about eighty-five times by this short fat guy every time something happened he didn't believe. I remember watching this movie in class my junior year of high school and everybody laughing like jackasses every time "inconceivable" was uttered. Not only during the movie, but every single day for the rest of the school year at least one dumbass per day would randomly shout "inconceivable" during some class discussion, which would erupt in gales of cackling laughter from the ugly retarded bitches in that class. God that class was fucking annoying. There were twenty-five students in the class, only four males. If Lifetime made a tv show about a high school English class, it would closely resemble that class. God I fucking hated high school.

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