Certain people have read some of the things I've written for my site, and come to the conclusion that I'm a freakish pervert who does disgusting and unnatural things. Yeah, and?
1. If sex was supposed to be serious, God wouldn't have made it so God damn funny. I mean just look at some of the faces we make while doing it. Look at yourself in a mirror some time. The way I see it, sex is intended to be funny, so anything you can do that makes it funnier is good. Provided your idea of "funny" isn't giving someone else crabs. Come to think of it, that is pretty funny. Okay, let me change that sentence to "Provided your idea of 'funny' isn't giving ME crabs." There, that's better.
2. If sex was supposed to be neat and clean, it wouldn't require cleaning up afterwards. Sex is dirty and gross by design. You're supposed to make a mess. So why not intentionally make an even bigger mess? Let's say you're doing something totally normal like putting chocolate syrup on your girlfriend's boobies. Why not "accidentally" squirt some on her face? That way it's messier AND funnier. You get two bonus points just for one little "accident." Just remember to say "oops." Makes it better.
3. While I'm thinking of food, if you weren't supposed to be using food as a sexual aid, God wouldn't have made some foods so slippery (or sticky) yet delicious at the same time. Like every other kid, I was constantly getting yelled at by my mom to stop playing with my food. But the thing is, I never listened to my mom anyway. So naturally, during my teen years I discovered which foods make for a good time when pleasuring oneself. For example, pancake syrup is great. Mustard, not so much. Trust me, you don't need to go to a sex store to find that perfect lube. Just open your refridgerator. It's like a nice place to keep all your edible sex toys without anyone ever knowing. But if you have kids, prepare for an awkward time explaining why you always have five cans of whipped cream in the fridge when you never actually eat it on anything. Say it's good for caulking the bath tub or something.
4. If God intended us to be perfectly happy having sex with actual women, he wouldn't have given us the technology to make cartoon women so hot. See also hottest Disney chick ever. And also hot animated chicks who do NOT appear in Disney movies. So I happen to think there's some very hot animated chicks out there. Just because I've fantasized about the Little Mermaid since I hit puberty doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. She just happens to be hotter than just about any chick I've seen in real life.
5. If God didn't want us to use blowup dolls, he wouldn't have made so many women reluctant to have threesomes. I've been told by my fiance that the closest I will ever come to a real live threesome is if I get a blowup doll. Don't think I won't.
people think this stuff is really, really fucked up