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So it has come to my attention that Fred Durst has a sex tape circulating on the internet. You know, it's kind of funny how the timing of this worked out. Let's do a quick review of Limp Bizkit History 101. Korn brought them into the national spotlight and they recorded three straight successful albums because they had a very different musical sound, due in large part to the inventive guitar playing of Wes Borland, their former lead guitarist, the one with the freaky hair and the black contact lenses. This was amazing by itself because Fred Durst is a big fat stupid asshole who comes up with stupid generic lyrics, and even I bought their CD's, just because the music was so good (again due to Mr. Borland) that I was able to put up with the shitty lyrics for the sake of listening to the music. Then, following the rap remix bullshit they did following the Chocolate Starfish CD, Wes Borland quit. Apparently he was as sick of Fred Durst's shit as the rest of the world and frankly, I'm amazed that he lasted that long.

It's funny because of all the people who listened to Limp Bizkit, there were two different distinct groups. There were people like myself who have an appreciation for good music, this group includes a lot of musicians, and we all claimed that what made Limp Bizkit so good was the music, particularly the creative guitar of Wes Borland. The other group is the retarded whiggers who wore the wife beaters and backwards baseball caps who just couldn't quite get that elusive high school diploma. These guys liked Limp Bizkit because they identified with Fred Durst as a fellow retarded whigger. So once Borland quit the band, all the intelligent fans who only liked Limp Bizkit because of the music, stopped listening, and all they were left with was the retarded whiggers.

This brings me to the release of Limp Bizkit's most recent album. The name escapes me, but the first single was a cover of "Behind Blue Eyes", originally sung by The Who. The amazing thing is, people still bought that album, knowing damn well that the first single was a cover. I haven't heard a single song other than Behind Blue Eyes but I can guarantee you they all suck. Maybe it's me, but I think when a well-established group comes out with a new album and the first single is a cover, that doesn't bode well for the other songs on the CD. The first single isn't always the best song on the CD, but it's almost always in the top two or three, and it's extremely rare to release a cover as the first single, generally because you're trying to give fans a taste of what the new album sounds like. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with established groups doing covers, I think some covers are very good, but a cover should not be the first single released unless the entire CD completely sucks.

So now we're up to present day. Wes Borland is gone, the intelligent fans left, Limp Bizkit's newest CD blows, and Fred Durst hasn't had his name in the news for a while. So let me think, if I was a celebrity who was in the process of losing all their fame and influence at an exponential rate, what would I do?

I know! I'd pull a cheap, shameless stunt to get my name back in the news! Hey, it worked for Janet Jackson.

So Fred Durst has a sex tape. What a complete coincidence. Kind of like how Paris Hilton had a sex tape circulate on the internet just before "The Simple Life" started airing, which amazingly boosted ratings for a show that otherwise nobody would give a fuck about. Quite revolutionary marketing if you ask me. All you need to do is create controversy, so as long as you don't care that the entire world looks down on you as a shameless whore, you can sell your shit to an otherwise unbuying public.

Which is why I've decided to release a sex tape of myself onto the internet. Since my fiance will undoubtedly be against the idea of having a sex tape with her on the internet, here's the plan. I am going to hire three or four prostitutes to be in the video with me. To create as much controversy as I possibly can, I'll need to find the youngest-looking prostitutes as possible, in order to fuel the controversy by adding rumors that they were underaged. Of course they will all be at least eighteen because the last thing I want is to get thrown in prison for being a pedofile, but they will look young so an assuming public can draw their own conclusions. Maybe I'll even throw in a transvestite to really get some heat. Then I'll put the video onto my computer, share it on file-sharing networks, and voila, I'll be so famous I won't ever be able to go out in public without being mobbed again. It will be great, without doing a single thing to change my web site, it will be all over everywhere. At long last I will be taken seriously as a writer, and all because I had the foresight to videotape myself having sex and put it on the internet. Thank you Paris Hilton. I'm going to be famous, just like you.

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