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I had the misfortune of growing up in a family that believed in watching shitty family programming together. Below are shows I was forced at gunpoint to watch with my family without pointing out how fucking stupid they were. I have rated each show's enjoyability to watch from one to ten with one being gay porn, five being the evening news, and ten being the Super Bowl. For those of you who may need clarification, I do not enjoy gay porn and I do enjoy the Super Bowl.

Family Matters

This family sitcom was the home of Steve Urkel, one of the most beloved (and annoying) nerds in television history. Urkel lived next door to the show's main family, and apparently had no parents of his own because he spent all of his time in his neighbors' house. The show came straight from the cookie cutter mold for shitty family sitcoms, complete with the overweight dad, athletic son, intelligent attractive daughter who is the object of everyone's desire, bitchy mother who just doesn't accept her role as a second-class citizen, and a widowed, live-in grandparent who is always making wise-ass comments, much to the delight of the brain dead audience. And then there was of course, Urkel, who was supposed to be funny. The whole premise of the show was that Urkel wanted the neighbors' daughter and made a habit out of getting turned down in different ways. And let's not forget his hilarious misadventures. In each episode, Urkel would somehow make a mistake which would involve something breaking, someone's car being driven through someone's wall, someone's pet getting accidentally eaten, etc. His mistakes were always followed by "Did I do that?" which is quite possibly the single most annoying catch phrase of all time, with the audience's hysterical laughter every time he said it making the experience even less enjoyable. Yet somehow in the end, he always ended up bumbling his way to saving the day to compensate for his clumsy and accident-prone ways.

Rating: 3

Home Improvement

Every single Home Improvement episode had the exact same storyline. To make this review more fun I have given the formula for you to create your own Home Improvement episode. Simply read the following paragraph, choosing one of the three options for each sentence listed in parenthesis.

Tim Allen's character (broke something, got in an argument with his ugly bitchy wife, accidentally misplaced something important). He then went into the television studio to work on his shitty show "Tool Time" with his bland, overweight sidekick, Al, and through the course of the taping he (glued his body to something, destroyed what they were working on, decided to take the opportunity to tell the audience about his stupid problem that he is only in because he's a fucking idiot). He then goes home and (makes the problem worse, accidentally destroys something important to the person he has his conflict with, harms himself by doing something retarded). Then he goes over to his neighbor Wilson's house to seek advice with his problem and Wilson's face is hidden behind a (fence, light, garden tool). Inspired by his advice from Wilson, Tim seeks out his (wife, son, friend) and calmly explains using Wilson's advice, which he always manages to mix up in hilarious fashion, that he realizes he is a jackass and he's sorry. Sprinkled throughout the show on at least twenty-four occasions per show Tim grunts four or five times which is apparently some show of manhood because apparently all men grunt like apes when they get excited.

Rating: 2

Doogie Howser

I don't even remember what the hell this show was about. I just remember this kid being a little homo and wanting to kick his ass every time I saw the show.

Rating: 2

Mr. Ed

Ditto for this show. I hated that fucking horse. I wanted to beat the shit out of him with a bat. Mainly because of that annoying fucking song. How many God damn times can you rhyme "a horse" with "of course"? Jesus people, get a thesaurus.

Rating: 3

The Wonder Years

I saved this one for last because it is the single worst TV show in the history of shitty TV shows. I was never forced by my parents to watch this show, but this show represents everything that is wrong and shitty with family TV. First of all, Fred Savage is a fag and I hate him. I'm so glad I've never seen him in anything else except for "The Princess Bride", which also sucked, but that's a story for another day.

As I started writing the section on the Wonder Years, I realized I had much more to say about how shitty this show was than I thought. Consequently, the Wonder Years has been given its own page. You can access it by clicking here.

By the way, The Wonder Years gets a rating of 0. I would rather watch gay porn than The Wonder Years.

crap from 2004