people think Ryan Reynolds is a fag
What do you get when you take the successful Blade movie franchise and then you decide to add another movie with a poorly written script, an overdose of "humor" that isn't funny, a bunch of completely implausible and/or unexplained events, a bunch of really shitty club music, a cast who can't act their way out of a nutsack, unrealistic fight scenes, a bunch of corny dialogue, a buttload of over dramatization, a slew of retarded new characters, a stupid ass sidekick who isn't funny and just pisses you off, and a nice healthy dose of girl power?
I'll tell you what you get. Me. VERY FUCKING PISSED OFF! Saying that Blade Trinity was a letdown would be like saying you're disappointed when you're expecting to get laid on a date and then your date ditches you for the waiter. This shitfest went so far beyond a letdown that I don't even know what word is appropriate here. I want to say abomination, but somehow that doesn't seem strong enough. I want my fucking money back. Although I did like the scene where Frost became La Magra and then fought Blade. Oh wait, that was the first Blade movie. That's right, there wasn't a single God damn thing I liked about this movie. From the moment Ryan Reynolds' stupid ass trotted on screen and he said his first retarded one-liner until the very last scene this movie was nothing but pure shit. I'm going to go through some of the different elements and explain one by one each and why they sucked.
Humor:
Blade movies have not been popular for their comedic value. Blade is a very dark character and does not lend himself well to comedy, yet this movie felt far more like a comedy than a vampire movie. And I use the word "comedy" loosely here. I don't think I laughed once the entire movie, except when I was laughing because it was so fucking stupid. You know, when you get to the point where you are so pissed off that you start laughing, just before you start shooting?
Stupid characters and shitty acting:
This movie introduced some of the shittiest characters ever to grace the big screen. Thankfully they killed off Whistler after only a few minutes of over dramatic and shitty dialogue, but then they introduced about eighty people with even more over dramatic and shitty dialogue. I'll get into Blade's two sidekicks later because I have lots to complain about with them, so for now I'll just focus on lesser shitty characters. The leader of the vampire nation, played by some freaky cracked-out looking skank, was a stupid character. All she did was try to look hot (failing miserably) and show her fangs. She couldn't act for shit either. She could barely pronounce half her lines and did every fucking line with the same exact inflection. Her brother had about five lines the entire movie and for the most part just stood there while she was being a freaky bitch. The whole group of Nightstalkers were fucking stupid. That's the group led by Ryan Reynolds' shitty comic relief character and Jessica Biel's girl power character. They had a fucking blind chick as their scientist, and she was played by that ugly chick who was Tara Reid's friend in the American Pie movies, which in and of itself made it completely impossible to take her serious any fucking way. She kept trying to sound all scientific, but she could barely even pronounce the words she was saying. Then there was the fat fuck who played the lovable weapons developer who gets a fat little boner every time he makes a new weapon. He was just a fat piece of shit and only served to piss me off. Then there were the various drivers they had who always had some corny shit to say ("Hi, I'm a fucking shitty actor, I'll be your driver tonight). It's a sad day when a fucking professional wrestler was the second best actor in the whole God damn movie. Or should I say second least awful? Is that more appropriate here?
Jessica Biel's shitty character:
This dumb bitch's only purpose in this movie was to try and attract female viewers, so naturally she was consistently able to take out groups of ten or so vampires completely by herself. Forget the fact that vampires are supposed to be more powerful than human. This bitch gave those vamps a heavy dose of GRRRRRRRRRL power they won't soon forget. And for no apparent reason she liked to listen to MP3's while she was hunting vampires, so on the way to their "hunts" she would program her MP3 player. This gave Newline an excuse to put in even more shitty club music. This movie had so many scenes where there was really nothing going on, they just wanted an excuse to put another stupid song in, so they would have a montage of somebody practicing something with a shitty song in the background. This one song had a bass line that actually sounded like somebody farting repeatedly. It would be funny except for the fact these dumbasses actually thought it was a good song. There was one such scene where Bitch was practicing with her bow. She took like fifteen shots while they played a shitty song. Every shot she took had a measurement of feet per second, and amazingly, every single shot had a higher fps than the shot before it. The first shot had 240 fps, and the final one was well over 300. Not bad considering she did the exact same fucking thing every time she shot. This was just them desperately trying to get us to buy into her as being tough enough to stand up to all the vampires.
Ryan Reynolds the unfunny ass goblin:
In case you don't know who Ryan Reynolds is, he's that fucker from Van Wilder, which was also not funny. This fucking butt pirate could have ruined the entire movie all by himself if it didn't suck so much ass anyway. This movie was nothing but two hours of one-liners from this jackass. Come to think of it, he might have actually had more lines than Blade did. And every fucking line he had was annoying. It was always some stupid shit that was supposed to be funny and wasn't even close. And then they take jokes that aren't funny and use them to death. For example, after he is captured by the vampires (I was hoping he'd die) he told them he had a tracking device. They asked where, so he told them his left ass cheek. Not funny. So they asked again and he said his right ass cheek. Still not funny. They asked again (because apparently vampires have unlimited patience when it comes to dealing with douchey smartass prisoners) and he told them it was buried in between his crack. And once again, the joke wasn't even a shadow of funny. And they also liked to have him say some variation of "fuck" such as "fuck me" and then ten seconds later "fuck me sideways" and this was supposed to be funny. I wanted to beat the shit out of the guys sitting in front of me and my friends in the theater. Every fucking line that dicknose had, these ass clowns laughed as if it was the funniest damn thing they'd ever heard. They looked like frat boy shitheads. I just wanted to crack all of their heads against each other and make them shut the fuck up. God I hate Ryan Reynolds. Oh yeah, and in his final showdown with ten time WWE champion Triple H's character, rather than have a normal fight, they basically have a wrestling match, which would be all well and good, except Reynolds won. What the fuck? Vampires are supposed to be stronger than humans, and even if they weren't, I would still bet my soul that a real fight between Ryan Reynolds and Triple H would last about eight seconds before Reynolds got his shit completely ruined. Actually eight seconds might be a little generous because I'm guessing one punch from Triple H could knock him right the fuck out. But no, Reynolds is the good guy so he has to win, no matter how totally implausible that may be. Fuck Ryan Reynolds. If I ever see him, I'm going to beat the shit out of him and get my seven dollars back. Plus extra for pain and suffering from having to sit through two hours of his horse shit. God I hate him.
people think Ryan Reynolds is a fag