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When I got to work today I noticed a group of people huddling around the radio. I heard somebody say "What's the score?" and it dawned on me. Today was Ohio State-Michigan day. Since I am an asshole who enjoys pissing people off for no good reason at all, I walked over to the radio and promptly turned it off, to a chorus of boos and hisses. Not that I mind having a football game on while I'm working, I'm just a dick like that. Plus a game with emotional stakes as high as Ohio State-Michigan was sure to lead to a lot of unnecessary cheering and screams of agony depending on which team is playing better at any given time.

Exactly why do people get so emotionally wrapped up in games which they themselves have no personal stake in? Remember all the proofs and theorems and laws you learned in geometry class? Well I have developed a law on why people do things as utterly asinine as bragging because a team they cheer for won a football game. I call it Randy's Law, and I have outlined it below.

Randy's Law: People are fucking stupid.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Why else would people actually give a shit which group of twenty year old men can move an oddly-shaped ball across a white line more? Because they are fucking stupid. Don't get me wrong. I love watching and playing football, but I am not emotionally attached. I happen to root for the Detroit Lions, who are having what seems like their twentieth straight losing season, but it doesn't bother me. If the Lions lose tomorrow afternoon, I'm not going to be angry or depressed when I go in to work at night. Yet I seem to be in the minority when it comes to football fans, especially college football fans. People will spend hundreds of dollars for tickets to a three hour game, when you can see the action better if you watch on TV anyway. They will make bets with relatives and friends about who will win. They will brag incessantly for weeks if "their" team wins. But most ridiculous of all, people get really pissed off at each other over a stupid game which they aren't even playing in. I've seen arguments and even fights break out because people disagree on which team has a better defense or whose quarterback throws a better deep ball. What a damn stupid thing to fight over. Who really gives a shit whose quarterback throws farther? When I watch football, I just want to be entertained with a close, exciting game, because after the game is over, it doesn't matter. Win or lose, life goes on.

What really cracks me up with rabid sports fans is that they somehow derive a sense of self-worth based on their chosen team's performance. I played competitive sports for years, so I can understand feeling excited when you win and being disappointed when you lose, but I don't understand the emotional roller coaster people put themselves through when they aren't even playing. A few weeks ago the Bengals played on Monday Night Football and a fan had a sign that said "Please Don't Embarrass Us." Why in the hell would you be embarrassed because the Bengals suck? The Lions suck and I'm not embarrassed. I don't feel inferior when somebody with an Eagles jacket walks by and I don't feel superior when somebody with a Dolphins jacket walks by. And why do people brag when "their" team wins. They didn't do anything to help them win. No matter how much you may want to claim that fans are an important part of the game, one drunk jackass yelling at his TV set does not help a football player a couple hundred miles away make a tackle. And for Christ's sake people, stop saying "we" when referring to a professional sports team. I live in the Dayton, Ohio area and it is crawling with Bengals fans who like to say "we" when talking about the Bengals. YOU do not play for the Bengals. YOU did not win on Sunday. YOU did not hold the opposing team to five first downs. YOU did not get four hundred yards of offense. YOU did not do one God damn thing that helped the Bengals, so stop identifying yourself with them by saying "we." It wasn't you, it was the Bengals. The Bengals are going to win or lose the game regardless of whether you cheer for them or the other guys. If I was a professional athlete, and I heard some ass clown say "we" when talking about my team, I would kick them right in the balls. Get a hobby, people. If you want to brag about something interesting you did, actually do something yourself. Don't just take credit for the accomplishments of others because you're a fucking loser with no talent of your own who doesn't have anything more interesting to talk about.

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