So Christmas is over. Thank God. Now I can go back to being fat in peace. See, Christmas is the worst time of year to be fat, because it's the only time when it's socially acceptable to remind fat people just how fat they are. Every year you'll be planning a Christmas party, and inevitably there's that one skinny prick that says "Oh and you should be Santa Claus!" Really asshole? Why should I be Santa Claus? Is it because I'm so fuckin jolly? Is it because I have a red suit and a big white beard? Oh, it's because I'm FAT! Yeah, thanks asshole.
One time I said that to a guy I worked with and he actually surprised me. He said he thought I would make a good Santa Claus because I like having strange children sit in my lap. Touche. I had to give him mad props for that one.
And yes, you just heard a fat white guy who spends his time playing World of Warcraft use the phrase "mad props." That phrase is now officially no longer cool. Sorry black people, you're going to have to come up with something else cool to say now at the next black people meeting. See, white people are like two years behind the curve when it comes to cool. It's like telling jokes to your Grandma. We'll get it eventually, but by the time we do, it's old news.
Oh, and while we're on the subject, we figured out what "skeet" means so you need to come up with a new word for that one, too. I just learned the other day. I thought to myself, "So THAT's what that guy said he did to my mom. Well that's not very nice at all."
So I've been watching a lot of TV recently. You know, because I don't have any friends, so I have a lot of free time. And I've been seeing a lot of the commercials for the Red Cross and other charities trying to help out in Haiti. And there's a lot of them asking you to donate $10 to help with the relief effort. And I was thinking, why is it these charities have to beg people to donate $10, when people are more than willing to drop $12.99 on the Playboy channel?
And yes, I am the kind of pervert who knows exactly how much it costs to order the Playboy channel. What can I say? I love me some porn.
See, what they should do is have a Red Cross porno channel. You know, have shows like "Relief Workers Gone Wild" and maybe make a Red Cross babe of the month nudie calendar. Hell, I'd buy that.
And that way, we're getting our naked chicks, and the Red Cross is getting donations. Everybody wins.
And they could even list it on your bill as a donation so they wouldn't even have to use "discreet billing," as they call it, when you order something you don't want your wife to know about. Which is a crackup anyway because it's so obvious. You know, your wife gets the bill and you're trying to explain why it's $125 higher than normal."What? Oh those charges are for some pay-per-view movies I ordered. What movies? Oh, there was a James Bond marathon on this month. Yeah, James Bond. You know how I love James Bond. So that explains why there's a lot of them. They must've forgot to list the name of the movies on there. Yeah, and they were all ordered while you were at work because, I, uh, I got lonely. Yeah, I got lonely, so I ordered James Bond movies." I mean seriously, is there actually a woman out there who is dumb enough to fall for that? If there is, then I would like to meet them, because my wife is not that dumb.
When I was in high school I had a shitty restaurant job. I hated it. Customers were assholes and the manager was the biggest, fattest asshole who just loved to take all his pinky-dick aggression out on the rest of us. But this is America, and I knew if I worked hard, got good grades, and got into college that my hard work would be rewarded. So I worked hard, got good grades, got into college, and became the first from my family to get my college degree. Six years later, I still have that same shitty restaurant job I had in high school. Only now, I'm the fat angry asshole taking his pinkydick aggression out on the peons. That's right, revenge of the pinkydick.
I think the problem is that everybody wants experience, and I don't have any. Which is ironic, because Obama didn't have any experience either, and we hired him.
Now, to be fair, that's not the only job I've had. I've all kinds of shitty jobs I hated. And I've learned a few things. For example, I learned that on your first day on the job at McDonald's, saying "Welcome to McDonald's, home of the whopper," can get you into trouble.
One job I had that a lot of people thought was really cool is I was a radio DJ for awhile. And at first, I thought it would be cool because chicks dig a guy on the radio. Like I had this one chick who kept calling me while I was on the air and talking about wanting to meet up. Finally, we had a live event at another location that I was going to be at and she told me she was going to come see me. And she did. She came up and introduced herself and talked for a few minutes. And then out of nowhere she blurted "Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound cuter on the radio." Fair enough, so I said "Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound thinner on the phone." And that was the end of that.
Another job I had was at a library, which wasn't too bad, except that you run into a lot of creeps and perverts at the library. Like the guys who take the People magazine into the restroom and then later someone complains that the pages of the Angelina Jolie article are stuck together. Which is why I'm no longer allowed to take magazines into the restroom at the library. But even more disturbing than that are the people who get on the computers to look at porn. Honest to God, there are actually people who are so shameless that they sit in the library looking at porn right next to the fourth-grader who's writing his report on George Washington.
Now, obviously, people are not allowed to do that and we are instructed to politely inform them of that whenever we catch anybody with anything inappropriate on the screen. But before we say anything, we actually have to watch the person for sixty seconds to make sure they are actually looking at porn. The logic behind that is we want to make sure they didn't get a popup or something. Of course, if you're getting pornographic popups, you're probably not looking at a site you should be looking at in the library anyhow, but that's another story. But the problem lies in watching the person for sixty seconds before saying something. Because I don't know about the rest of you, but me watching porn for sixty seconds and then stopping is like peeing for six seconds and then stopping. Once I've started, I ain't stopping until I'm done. Sorry, I'm not a faucet.
So one day I went in to work and we had a guy sitting at the computer with a porn playing, and not just any porn. It was a good old-fashioned gang bang porn. But the best part is he had a camcorder and he was video-taping it. That was a new one on me. So I walked over to one of my coworkers and asked if he'd seen the guy. He said he had and that he had already talked to the guy. I asked him why he hadn't made him stop, and he said because the guy told him it was for a class so he just left him alone. So I just had two questions. What class is this guy taking and why the hell didn't my guidance counselor tell me about it?
So I watched for the required sixty seconds and walked over to do what I had to do. But even more disturbing than the fact that a guy was videotaping porn at the public library was the realization that I had later that my voice was going to be in that guy's video, and that creeped me right out. I mean think about it. That creepy pervert was going to go home and pop in that video for some alone time, then in the middle of it hear my sexy voice pop in all of a sudden and say "I'm sorry sir, but I'm going to have to ask you...to make me a copy of that video when you're done."