So I recently accidentally attended the local Popcorn Festival, an annual gathering of hippies and hillbillies that happens around here every summer of which the focal point is apparently popcorn. Yep, pretty lame, but at least there's always some good festival food, which we fat men simply can't resist. As I was enjoying a funnel cake, I stumbled across the following list of rules for the festival:
POPCORN FESTIVAL RULES:
- If attending the festival with children, please purchase at least two different noise-makers for each child.
- Also, please buy them a crappy wooden souvenir sword and encourage them to swing it wildly in crowded areas.
- If female, please wear an amount of clothing that is inversely proportional with how attractive and/or shapely you are. For example, if you are a an ugly, old, grotesque mound of woman, please wear nothing but tight shorts and a bikini top. If, on the other hand, you are a young, shapely, prom-queen candidate, please wear a parka.
- If attending the festival in a group, please ensure that all members of your group walk side by side so as to give the greatest chance of blocking as many passersby as possible.
- While walking in crowded areas, please make frequent sudden stops for any or no reason at all. If someone should bump into you when you make such a stop, flip them off for being so inconsiderate.
- Make sure to buy at least one crappy rug with an animal on it sold by a vendor claiming to be an Indian. That way, you have something to put in your garage to sit around and catch on fire. Our firemen are bored and need things to do.
- If standing in a line to buy food, while you are waiting, please talk to your friends about who you blew last night. Do not decide what you want until you get up to the person taking money. This way, all the people standing behind you in line will have plenty of time to talk to their friends about who they blew last night while they wait for you to make up your mother fucking mind.
- If the line at a food vendor is too long, simply start your own line next to the existing line. The twenty people in the other line will be happy to let you go ahead of them since your line is clearly the correct one to be standing in.
- And for the love of God, whatever the fuck you do, DO NOT forget to bring a football or soccer ball to the event. That way you will have something to play with in the crowded streets and kick into strangers and knock over their funnel cakes so you can say "Sorry bro" and then laugh as though it was your own fucking funnel cake that's now splattered all over the street that I can't eat now.