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I think old people are hilarious, don't you? And I don't mean they tell funny stories or they tell good jokes. I mean old people are funny because they hurt themselves a lot and do a lot of really stupid shit and then completely flip out like it's the end of the world.

Yesterday an old man made me laugh. He was calmly eating with his old wife, not a care in the world, when all of a sudden he knocked his drink over. Now, spilling a little Coke on your table and the floor is not a big deal. It isn't going to ruin anything. But this guy started flailing his arms around and howling like it was the apocalypse. He was yelling for his server all while trying to clean up an entire glass of Coke with one flimsy napkin. All in all it was quite comical.

I used to be a busser at Bob Evans and boy, did I ever get some old people stories from working there. Bob Evans has a ton of old people. I hated that job except for watching all the funny old people. And the people with mullets, there was a lot of them too. We had this one group of Mexican construction workers who all had mullets, we called them the Meximullets. They were funny. They would always come in and be loud and obnoxious for an hour or more and would sexually harass whatever server they got, telling her they wanted to gang bang her or pinch her ass or tell her she had great tits or whatever, and then they would never ever tip. Of course if I was a server I would hate them, but I wasn't a server and hated most of the servers there so I thought it was pretty damn funny. But I digress.

Anyway, back to old people. Oh, we had some good ones at Bob Evans. It seems like at least once once a day that I worked an old person either did something funny or hurt themselves. I remember there was this one lady who was about sixty who would come in with her mother who was about eighty. They were bitches and I couldn't stand them. They would always try to talk to me as I was clearing tables around them so I would have to smack them and tell them to shut the hell up. I remember the one looked like a sixty year old version of Martha Stewart with black hair and she had the ugliest scarf I've ever seen and her hair was a lot thicker on the left side than on the right. She looked frightening. Anyway, one day she was coming back from the restroom where she undoubtedly took a huge dump, when she tripped over somebody's purse that was mostly under their chair, but stuck out about two inches into the aisle. She fell forward right onto her face, screaming the entire way. She got up and started screaming and cussing at the lady whose purse she had just tripped over about how she had endangered her life and she hoped she burned in hell. So the other lady told her that her purse was barely even sticking out and maybe she should watch where she's walking. So the Martha-Stewart look-alike got so angry she went up to the manager and demanded that the lady and her entire family be thrown out and permanently banned from all Bob Evans restaurants because she was a hazard to public safety and had no regard for the lives of others. Of course the manager wouldn't do it, so she left with her mother and vowed never to return. I was excited, but then they were back in the next day.

Then there was this old guy who looked and talked like Yoda. He was creepy. He was in a wheelchair and he would always come in by himself and we would have to wheel his ass over to a table and he would order soup or a sandwich or something and then two hours later some cranky bitch who I assumed to be his daughter would pick him up. Well one day he was sitting over his soup, and he must have been tired because he started dozing off. Well, before you knew what was happening, he fell forward and his face landed right in his bowl of soup. So he woke up yelling and then fell right out of his chair onto the floor. So there was this old crippled man lying on the floor with soup all over him. It was comedic gold.

But Randy, you say, how can you be so heartless? There's nothing funny about old people hurting themselves. In fact, some day you're going to be old and helpless too, and then what will you think if some fat asshole with a tiny crooked penis makes fun of you? Well my hippie friends, that fat asshole with a tiny crooked penis is probably going to be a pretty damn cool guy. And you know what? When I'm old and decrepit I'm sure I am going to do some stupid shit. As a matter of fact I'm going to do stupid shit on purpose, just to make younger people who still get laid clean up after me. When I'm in a nursing home, I am intentionally going to shit my pants just to somebody else has to clean my shitty ass up. God I rule.

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