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"I'm sorry not everyone can be as smart as you." This one used to piss me off real good. My mom used to say this to me all the time, and every time she said it, it pissed me off just a little bit more than it had the last time she had said it. It's bullshit when they say that because they aren't sorry at all. Or if they are sorry, they aren't half as sorry as me. I'm the one who has to put up with everyone's fucking stupid asses. The last part of the statement is very very true. Of course not everybody is as smart as me. That's been evident since I was about six. Now don't get me wrong, I do think I posses above-average intelligence, but I wouldn't describe myself as a genius and I'm not one of those people who always thinks I'm the smartest person present. I've met lots of people as smart as myself or even smarter. However, I do think I'm smarter than most people just by default, because most people are fucking stupid and have no common sense at all. And I swear to God the next time some ass clown says "Why is it called common sense when it's so uncommon?" he is getting an uncommon feeling in his ass, because I am going to plant my foot in it. It's not clever, it's not original, and it damn sure isn't funny. It just makes you sound like a moron. And most of the people who say stupid shit like that are the people who have no common sense and have no room to talk in the first damn place.

Anyway, I was at Hardee's the other day with my fiance, and it has never taken me so long to order for two people in my life. I've taken the liberty of transcribing the ordering process below.

Stupid Hardee's Bitch: Hi, how can I help you?

Me: I'd like a chicken sandwich combo with curly fries and a Sprite...

Bitch: Would you like to upsize that?

Me: No.

Bitch: Did you want regular fries or curly fries?

Me: Curly.

Bitch: And what did you want to drink?

Me: Sprite.

Bitch: And what did you say you wanted us to hold or add on that?

Me: I didn't.

Bitch: So it's just the regular sandwich?

Me: Yes.

Bitch: Is that all?

Me: No, can I have a western burger combo with curly...

Bitch: Yes you can. Do you want to upsize that?

Me: No.

Bitch: Regular fries or curly?

Me: Curly.

Bitch: And what do you want to drink?

Me: Dr. Pepper.

Bitch: Anything else?

Me: Can I get a large chocolate milk shake?

Bitch: I'm sorry, a large chocolate what?

Me: Milk Shake.

Bitch: Okay, anything else?

Me: That's all.

Bitch: Okay, is your order correct on the screen? (All the screen had was a picture of a hamburger.)

Me: There's nothing on the screen.

Bitch: Okay, I have a chicken sandwich with curly fries and a Sprite, a western burger with curly fries and a Dr. Pepper, and a large chocolate shake. Is that correct?

Me: Yes.

Bitch: Okay that's twenty, no wait, $14.35. Please pull around. (I pull up to the window.) HEE HEE HEE! Do you want a drink carrier for these?

Me: Yes please.

Bitch: Okay, it will be just a second. HEE HEE HEE! (She hands me the drinks.) Um, HEE HEE HEE, like, your chicken is going to be a couple more minutes so if you can pull forward we'll bring it out to you. HEE HEE HEE! (I pull forward, ten minutes later Bitch brings my food.) Here's your order, sorry about the wait. We needed to make more chicken. HEE HEE HEE!

This last one proved to be one HEE HEE HEE too many for me. At this point I completely lost control of my arms and legs as I jumped out of my car screaming at the top of my lungs. I kicked the bitch right in the shins and as she fell to the ground I beat her with the chicken sandwich she found so funny. I then shoved my chocolate milk shake up her ass, got back in my car, and ran her over, backed up over her, and ran over her again.

You see, I have to put with stupid shit like this on a daily basis. This is why stupid people piss me off. And then if I ever say anything about how stupid the person is being, they act like I'm being a dick instead of apologizing for being such a God damn idiot. You know what, it isn't my fault you're so fucking stupid, that's God's fault, so blame him, not me. I'm not the one that made you such a shithead. So people do some incredibly stupid thing and then try and turn it around on me, like I'm inconveniencing them by expecting them to not act like total shitheads. And another that pisses me off about stupid people is their refusal to accept their own stupidity. Nobody wants to think of themselves as stupid and it's this fucking culture that teaches us that. You're always taught in school and by your mommies that you should never accept the fact that you have weaknesses in life. You aren't supposed to assign negative labels to yourself because, God forbid, it might hurt your self esteem. They never teach you to accept your faults, but make the most of your strengths. Take me for example, I am a big fat fuck and I have a small penis. But I don't let that get to me and I don't fixate on it. If somebody calls me fat, so what? Who really gives a fuck? I'm the one who's going to die of a heart attack, not you, so don't worry about it. But when you suggest that anybody is stupid, they get all defensive. You know what, I'm sorry, but some people have to be stupid. There's no way around it. School teaches you that there are smart people and there are people who are smart, but not quite as smart as some other people. The problem is, smart by definition means "above average" and we can't all be above average now can we? There are smart people and there are stupid people, and most people are stupid people.

Now, if you ever suspect yourself of being stupid, you probably are. Or if you're not sure, you can email me and I'll let you know. If you are stupid, it isn't the end of the world, but you shouldn't have a job where you have to work with the public. You see, stupid people fucking piss me off and I hate dealing with them. So if you are stupid and you have a job working with the public, you should do one of the three things.

1. Request a different position within your company. For example, the dumb whore at Hardee's should ask the manager if she could cook instead of piss me off at the drive through window. Or if you are a cashier at Kroger's, ask to be reassigned to a stocking position. There's no shame in doing a different job. As long as you are working at a job somewhere, you're doing better than half the people on welfare who sit on their ass waiting for their welfare checks.

2.Get a different job at a new company. For example, if you work somewhere that all jobs involve dealing with the public, such as working for a telemarketing firm or working in a movie theatre, quit your job and get a job as a custodian. Once again, there's no shame in it as long as you're working somewhere.

3. Kill yourself. This is what I would recommend most of all. That way you remove your stupid genes from the gene pool. Don't think of it as suicide, think of it as sacrificing yourself for the good of all mankind. As a matter of fact, if you kill yourself to remove your stupid genes from society, I will give a speech at your funeral about what a giving and courageous person you were and you will have my utmost respect. Think of it as a way of departing life with honor rather than living with shame.

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