acrappywebsite.com

I just finished watching Napoleon Dynamite, and I may never recover. I feel dumber for having sat through that movie. This is one of those rare movies that manages to not have one single redeeming quality, yet the entire world seems to love. Kind of like The Passion of the Christ or any Ben Stiller movie ever made. Judging from what I'd heard about the movie, I knew I wouldn't like it. It just sounded like one of those movies I would hate from start to finish, so I had no plans to watch it, but as more and more people told me about it, and I still failed to see how it could be considered funny, I thought that maybe I just didn't get the joke. I mean everybody else seemed to think it was funny, yet from what I'd heard about it, I couldn't imagine a movie actually being as stupid as this sounded. So I decided to watch it. I figured what the hell, I don't work today anyhow. So I watched it, thinking it couldn't possibly be as bad as I thought it would be. There was no way.

Oh how wrong I was. This movie defies all rational thought and understanding. Never before have I seen anything that can even come close to the train wreck that was Napoleon Dynamite. Not only did I not laugh once, most of the time my mouth was hanging open in sheer amazement at how a movie so devoid of any cinematic worth could be produced, not to mention the millions of retards who thought this was actually a good movie. As the movie ended with Napoleon playing tetherball with the really dorky girl he wanted to bone, I just stared at the screen wondering what had just happened. An hour and a half of my early twenties lost, consumed by the overwhelming idiocy of this movie.

When people have told me what they find funny about this movie, it usually sounds something like one of the following:

"It's funny because it's so stupid."

"It's funny because he says stupid things like "flippin" instead of "fuckin."

"It's funny because they do really stupid things."

"It's funny because the characters are so stupid."

So let me get this straight. Napoleon Dynamite was a good movie because it's a stupid movie with stupid characters who say and do stupid things? Maybe it's me, but when a movie I watch is stupid and has stupid characters who say and do stupid things, I don't think it's a good movie. There is no lower form of humor than having to resort to doing stupid things to get a laugh. Here's an idea, rather than make a movie that's funny because it's stupid, why not make a movie that's funny because it's funny? You see, I live in a crazy make-believe world where stupid does not equal funny. There is nothing funny about being stupid. I have to put up with six billion stupid people in the world on a daily basis and it damn sure isn't what I would call funny.

But maybe I'm being too harsh. After all, I have it on good authority that this movie was produced by Mormon film makers. You see, Mormons have created an alternate world in which they live. Have you ever seen one of those sci-fi movies where there is a creepy parallel universe with everything almost the same, but not quite? Well that's like the world Mormons live in. It's a very elitist culture and they have to do everything their own way. Even more so than the rest of the Christian denominations. You see, other Christian churches all band together and make generically Christian things like "Christian" music, or "Christian" novels, or "Christian" children's cartoons. And to make use of most of these "Christian" things you can be pretty much any denomination, Catholic or Protestant, it doesn't really matter a whole lot because most of the themes are very generic Christian themes like how Jesus is cool or having sex before you're married is bad etc.

Mormons, however, like to have their own little version of everything. There's Mormon music, Mormon books, Mormon murder movies, Mormon basketball leagues, etc. The funny thing about the local Mormon basketball league is that when one team gets up by ten points, they stop counting so they don't hurt the other team's feelings. You see, a team feels much better about themselves if the final score is 37-27, rather than 65-27. As you can imagine, this could create a problem if Team A was leading by twenty points, but the scoreboard stopped recording at ten, and then Team B has a good offensive run and they score fifteen straight points. Now, according to the score board, Team B would be winning by five points, even though Team A has actually scored five more points than Team B. Sound confusing?

So I guess when you realize that this movie was produced by Mormon film makers who understandably live by different rules of what is good entertainment and what isn't, you can begin to understand why it sucked so badly. On second thought, no, this movie fucking blew and I hated it. I will never forgive the people who actually financed that piece of shit.

back to reviews