Well, it's almost here. In about three hours, I will officially no longer be a twenty-something, as tomorrow is my 30th birthday. Yes, I, Randy Brown, the young, hip, hilarious mofo you've all come to know and love, is turning 30. And no, I'm not going to be one of those assholes who always says shit like "I'm turning 29 again" or any such bullshit. You know what? I'm fucking 30 years old, fuck it. Long in the tooth, no spring chicken, one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, however you want to say it. I am going to be 30 by the time you read this.
But here's the thing. I don't feel 30. At all. And I don't mean that in some gay "I'm a child at heart" or "You're only as old as you feel" way. I mean I really, REALLY don't feel like I can possibly be 30, because I haven't grown up yet. Seriously. I'm as mature today as I was at 17, I swear to God. Maybe even less mature, since at 17 you could at least say I had an excuse, but not now.
The thing is, I don't do adult stuff. At all. I hate it. I can't watch the news without getting bored, I don't vote or give two shits about politics in general, and things that normal adults do just bore the shit out of me. Let's take TV for example. Most adults watch reality shows and dramas and network sitcoms, and I can't stand any of that shit. Every once in a while I will hear about a show that a lot of people tell me is good so I give it a try, and after like ten minutes I just think to myself "This is the gayest shit ever" and switch to Comedy Central. Let's put it this way. As I recently wrote about here, I'm doing the whole Nielsen TV thing and here is what the list of shows I have watched in the last week looks like:
4 NFL games
3 NFL pre-game shows
Family Guy
Monday Night Raw
South Park
Nick Swardson's Pretend Time
TNA Impact Wrestling
Beavis and Butthead
Friday Night Smackdown
Ring of Honor Wrestling
That is not even a joke. That is literally everything I have watched in the last week. Well, that and my "Phenomenal: The Best of AJ Styles" DVD, but that doesn't count for the Nielsen thing. But there it is. I'm a fucking 30 year old college graduate with a desk job and my TV viewing habits consist of football, pro wrestling, and cartoons. Seriously. Oh yeah, and when I'm not watching football, cartoons, or pro wrestling, I'm probably playing World of Warcraft or Plants vs. Zombies or writing about my balls on here. Oh, and for my birthday, I asked my wife to get me the new DVD featuring the rivalry between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels. And I'm really hoping it arrives here soon because this Saturday I would love nothing more than to sit on my ass and watch a DVD where two grown-ass men talk about when they were younger and used to pretend-fight each other. And when I was watching the Nick Swardson show, my wife was out, but when I saw he did a sketch about fisting, I paused it and waited for my wife to get home so I could play it for her because she thinks the very idea of fisting is the most disgusting, repulsive thing ever, so I waited for her to come home just so I could play that and gross her out, then giggled like a teenage girl. That's just the kind of mature guy I am.
I remind myself of an old great-uncle who once showed me his Beavis and Butthead room. The man was like 65 years old and had an entire room in his house filled with Beavis and Butthead memorabilia. Now that is someone who never grew up and it's looking like that's going to be my fate.
So this is my life at 30 years old. Impressive, huh? But you know what? It's cool. For two reasons. First, because I have turned out to be exactly the type of person I wanted to. I am who I am and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks of it. There was a time in my life not so very long ago where I would pretend to be someone I wasn't because in some ways I was looking for approval from certain people or just trying not to rock the boat. I would try to act a certain way around my first girlfriend because I was trying to be what she wanted. I convinced myself I was a Christian for two decades because that's what my parents wanted me to be. I've filtered myself around certain friends because I knew the real me was too much for them to take seriously. Now? Fuck it. I have no friends and my fat ass sinks the boat anyway so just fuck it.
The second reason I am absolutely cool being the 30 year old who is looking forward to watching his 'rasslin DVD birthday present is because I have accomplished the two things I wanted to in my first thirty years. In my first thirty years I wanted to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with myself and who the fuck I was going to do it with. I have a job I would be happy to work at the next 30 years and then retire from and I am very happy with my marriage, so mission accomplished on both fronts. Everything else is just details.
I've done a lot of thinking because it's natural to do some self-introspection at this point in life and I've thought a lot about where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. And the title of this article is probably misleading because it came from a country song (no, I didn't start listening to country asshole, my wife does) where the singer (don't know who, some cousin-loving hillbilly) is looking back at the first thirty years of his life and talking about what he plans to do differently in the next thirty years. But here's the thing. When I look at where I am and my prospects for the future, my life isn't perfect, but I've got no complaints and no regrets. Sure I've done some dumb shit in my time, but everything I've done and everything I've been through got me to where I am today. And today, I'm very happy with my life, so if I had to do it all over, I wouldn't change anything.
So when I look at the next 30 years of my life, I guess my plan is to just enjoy all the good things I have in life and not fuck anything up. So I'm going to spend time with my family, write about my balls some more, and spend my Saturdays watching cartoons and DVDs of grown-ass men pretend-fighting. And if you don't like it, you can kiss the fattest part of my ass. And I kinda have diarrhea today so that wouldn't be pleasant. And the best part is we were out of toilet paper so I was wiping with tissue. Doesn't work as good.