Those of you who know me personally know about my relationship with my mother. I love my mom very much and I admire a lot of things about her. For starters, my mom has always done whatever was in her power to ensure the well-being of her family, and I respect her very much for that. When you're a little kid you don't fully understand some of the sacrifices your parents make for you because you only think of yourself. It has only been since entering my adulthood that I've begun to understand and appreciate a lot of the things my mother has done over the years.
However, those of you who know me personally also know something else about my mom. She's fucking crazy. She really is. My mom is very religious and everything she happens to believe herself, she assumes everyone else should believe and it's enough to drive a person crazy. Probably one of my favorite stories about my mom is something she said to me a few years back when I wanted to go see one of the Austin Powers movies with my friends.
My friend came over to pick me up on the way and I told my mom I was going to see a movie with some friends. She asked which one and I told her. She then said "I heard that movie has a lot of sexual humor, I don't know if you should see that." Understandable coming from a parent, if a bit annoying to hear as a teenager trying to go out with your friends. So I told her I wasn't sure if it did, but even if it did, it wasn't going to change my behavior patterns any. So then she looked right at me and said "I want you to pray about it before you go."
As you can imagine, I thought this was pretty God damn funny. But she was firmly set on the idea, so I went into my bedroom with my friend. We laughed our asses off until we got it all out of our system. So then we went back over to my mom and I said "God says it's ok so I'll see you later," and left.
The point is, my mom is fucking crazy. If you've ever seen The Waterboy, his mother in that movie is a lot like my mom in real life. She never said anything was "the devil" but she said things were "evil" or "Satanic" more times than I care to recall. So without further ado, a list of things my mommy taught me were Satanic, along with their corresponding explanations.
Scooby Doo - Ghosts are real and they come from Satan.
Army men - War is wrong.
He-Man - Skeletor was emulating Satan.
The Smurfs - Gargamel was a warlock and witchcraft is Satanic.
Popeye - There is no excuse for beating people up.
Halloween - It's a holiday for worshipping Satan.
Rock concerts - Their only purpose is to bow down and worship the rock bands as though they were God.
Fantasy novels - They involve magic, which only comes from Satan.
Dungeons and Dragons - Ditto.
Democrats - Democrats kill babies.
Ghostbusters - Ghosts come from Satan.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - They meditated, and when you meditate you are really allowing Satan to enter your mind and control you. Also, God doesn't make mutants.
Candy cigarettes - You shouldn't pretend you're smoking because smoking is bad for you.
Any Busch Gardens theme park - They also make alcohol and alcohol is bad.
Greek/Roman mythology - There is only one God and you shouldn't be taught differently.
Back to the Future part II - In this movie, Biff (who was the bad guy) hits his wife and spousal abuse is wrong.
Jerry Springer - It glorifies casual sex and other sinning.
Beavis and Butthead - They glorified cussing and violence.
Christian rock music - Listening to Christian rock music made you want to listen to secular rock music, which leads to a lifetime of drug use and casual sex.
Professional wrestling - Professional teaches you that the only way to handle your conflicts is through violence.
The Munsters - Monsters are from Satan.
Beer commercials - In addition to advertising alcohol, which is bad, beer commercials objectify women.
Pornography - All men who look at pornography think of women as sex objects and think that it is okay to rape women.
Sunday morning cartoons - Satan is behind any television programming that aims to keep you home on Sunday instead of going to church where you belong.
Gremlins (the movies) - Obviously from Satan.
Count Chocula cereal - Vampires are from Satan.
The internet - People post pornography on the internet and people meet people on the internet and then get kidnapped, raped, and killed.
Ouija boards - Satan controls them.
Magic 8 balls - Ditto.
Fortune telling, palm reading, and related practices - The only way to tell the future is if Satan tells you so they are all Satanic.
Batman - He is a very dark superhero so he is obviously emulating Satan.
Video games - You spend too much time on them, time that you could use doing something that glorifies God.
people agree that my mom is fucking crazy