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I have received a lot of negative feedback about my article bitchspeak. Apparently, a lot of women out there feel I was unfair in my many assertions listed, including the implication that all women want is a rich and/or good looking guy. The truth hurts, doesn't it?

It has been suggested that, in the spirit of fairness, I do a similar article where I explain what guys mean versus what they actually say. I think this would be a good idea. One reason is that most women are fucking stupid, so by telling you what guys mean I will avoid some hairy situations for you. You can thank me later.

For example, a long time ago, I was dating someone whose retardation is unmatched in anyone I've ever met. Now, it was her first day of college, and she had a class in the Fine Arts building at THE Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio, which is one of the most complicated buildings I've ever been in. If you've never been in the building before, it can take you a good half hour to either find your class, or find the exit. Anyway, she asked somebody if he could show her where her class was. He was in that class with her and walked her to the class. He then started talking to her and asked her if she ever went to church. This was the first clue she should have had that he was hitting on her. She said no because she worked on Sundays. This was basically a lie because she only worked nights and could easily have gone to church Sunday morning and been to work by four or five had she so chosen. He then asked her if she worked that coming Sunday (clue number two that he was hitting on her) and she said she was. Then he asked if she was working the Sunday of the following week (clue number three) and she told him she didn't know yet. He then asked if he could call her the following week to see if she had to work on Sunday (clue number four) and she didn't see the harm in it so she gave this guy her phone number.

When that dumb bitch told me she gave him her number, I about blew my stack. To this day I don't know how in the hell she didn't know he was hitting on her. She swore up and down that he only wanted her to find Jesus. Yeah, maybe if Jesus was what he called his dick. She honestly didn't understand that he was hitting on her. Then just as I was telling her he was hitting on her, I was interrupted by the ring of a telephone. The Jesus freak was calling to invite her to hang out with him and his friends that Friday. Then she believed me. She said, "Maybe you're right." Maybe? There's no maybe about it bitch, I'm always right. God, how fucking stupid can you be? If I would have offered her a hundred dollars to try and act as stupid as she could, I don't think she could have topped that. So naturally I was right, but I also looked like a jealous asshole. So ladies, to avoid getting tricked by guys, and to avoid potential conflicts in your relationships, read below what guys actually mean as opposed to what we actually say. And don't think just because I'm writing this doesn't mean I never said any of these myself. I include myself in here too. And guys, yes, I know, I am selling you out. But I'm getting married so I'm done looking so I have no regrets about cock-blocking the rest of you. Haha. You're never going to get laid again.

Would you like to go out Friday night... ...would you like to have sex Friday night?

Can I call you... ...can I fuck you?

I really like you... ...I really want to have sex.

Would you like to go to church with me... ...would you like to get married and then have sex with me?

I thought maybe tonight instead of going out we could just hang out here and watch a movie... ...that way, when I start feeling you up, we can just do it on the couch rather than have to drive home.

Would you like to spend the night? I would like waking up next to you... ...then we could have sex tomorrow morning too.

I bought you some flowers/candy/jewelry/stuffed animal... ...now thank me by having sex with me.

I fixed the _____ like you asked... ...now thank me by having sex with me.

I think you have really great friends... ...I only put up with those ugly retarded whores to have sex with you.

I'd love to have dinner with your parents... ...God dammit.

Oh, your friends are coming over tonight, that's cool... ...God dammit.

Oh, you have a child? That's great, I love kids... ...God dammit.

You're pregnant? That's great... ...God dammit.

Sure, I'll set your friend up with one of my friends... ...as long as she isn't fat or ugly.

Don't worry, dinner's on me... ...ha ha ha, now you owe me.

That looks great on you... ...please return that to the store and get a bigger size.

Do you mind if we turn the light off... ...you're a lot fatter than you looked in the dim lighting in the bar.

Was it good for you... ...like it matters, I just want to look like I care so I get it again tomorrow.

I wasn't planning on spending this much, I just think you deserve this... ...I bought you the most expensive-looking thing at Wal-Mart, hoping you'd fall for it.

I'd love to watch (insert chick flick here)... ...maybe if I keep my mouth shut for two hours I'll get a blowjob out of this.

You look great tonight... ...I'm picturing you naked.

Nice shirt... nice boobs.

Nice dress... ...nice ass.

Nice shoes... ...nice legs.

I had a good time tonight... ...please let me have sex with you.

You're different from most people I go out with... ...I can't believe you're actually falling for this shit.

I'll call you... ...if I left something at your place.

I love you... ...let's have sex.

crap from 2005