Mark from Chicago writes:
Hi Randy,i like the site. When you get past all your sexist comments, you actually seem to know a lot about women and how they tick. I know about how you never should tell a woman they look fat, but I was wondering if there is anything else you shouldn't tell them. I guess what I'm asking is, when else is it okay to lie to a woman.
Thanks for the email Mark, you ask a good question. But before I get to the answer, I must say I happen to take offense to your "when you get past all your sexist comments" remark, which implies that when I say sexist things, I'm joking and I actually respect women. How dare you accuse me of respecting women. That kind of crap can ruin my hard-earned reputation as a chauvinist. Anyway, back to your question. Of course some women will tell you it's never okay to lie to a woman, especially one you're in a relationship with, but that's total bullshit. There are MANY occasions in which lying through your teeth is much better than telling the truth. Your response to the following questions should ALWAYS be an immediate no, even if it's a bold-faced lie. Of course, women shouldn't ask these questions to begin with, because it can often put your in the awkward position of either hurting their feelings, lying, or possibly lying badly and getting caught, which just hurts their feelings more.
Am I fat?/Does this (insert article of clothing here) make me look fat? - You already know why you should NEVER answer yes to this question.
Do you think I'm a whore? - If your girlfriend asks you this question, always say no, even if she put out fifteen minutes after you met her.
The next group of questions should always get an immediate YES response from you.
Am I good in bed? - Even if she lies there like a dead fish looking at her watch while you do your thing, you never want to let them know that. Many women are very self-conscious about their sexual performance, especially in relationships with steady partners, and want to be reassured that they are making a valuable contribution to your sex life. What usually works well in this situation is naming one specific thing she does well, even if everything else she does is awful. When women feel they are doing something right in bed, they loosen up, enjoy themselves more, and are more open to positive suggestions about other things to try. If they think they're no good in bed, they'll be nervous, self-conscious, and won't be much fun to mess around with.
Am I pretty? - Even women who know they will never win any beauty pageants still want to feel pretty around their guys. One thing that really helps them is to pick out something specific about them that you do find pretty and compliment them on it (smile, eyes, hair, BOOBIES!).
Do you like my new haircut? - Even if she took a weed whacker to her head and looks like an absolute dyke, it's never a good idea to tell her that. Let's face it, sometimes women do some god-awful things with their hair that make them totally unappealing, but it doesn't help matters if they feel ugly for the next few months. Your best bet in these situations is to grin and bear it, then the next time she's thinking about getting a haircut you make some suggestions and tell her what you think is pretty. Never outright say you think her hair is ugly, it's much better to talk about what you do like than what you don't like.
Am I a good cook? - This one will probably surprise most men out there, because it may not seem like a big deal to us, but to women, getting the answer to this question right is probably more important than any of the others I've listed above. You see, women are fucking crazy and they love making mountains out of mole hills. To give an example, let's say your girlfriend surprises you with a meatloaf she cooked for you. So you bite into the meat loaf and you crack a tooth and it's the most god-awful dog-shit-tasting piece of meat you've ever had the displeasure of biting into. If she sees anything but pleasure on your face or you say anything at all to indicate anything other than she made a damn good meatloaf, she is going to think she's a shitty mother. What? A shitty mother, you say? How can she take such a simple thing as meatloaf and turn it into a knock on her mothering skills? What if she isn't even a mother? Simply put, many women (and I happen to agree with them) feel that mothering is the single most important thing they will ever do in their lives. To be a good mother is the crowning achievement in many women's lives, and if they don't think they can cook, they make take it as a knock against their ability to feed their family and be a good mother. This may not be much of a big deal to girls in their teens, or even early twenties, but once serious considerations of family and motherhood start to come into effect, things like these can become a big deal. Many women just have very strong maternal instincts, and one of those instincts is feeding their family.
Besides directly lying, there are sometimes in relationships where there is just some information better left unshared. If you had wild monkey sex with your last girlfriend and your new girl just isn't that exciting, you should probably keep that to yourself. If your last girlfriend looked better naked, you should REALLY keep that to yourself. If someone at school, work, the gym, church (i don't know, MAYBE some churchgoers read my site) hits on you, you don't need to share it. It isn't like you've done anything wrong if someone else is attracted to you if you aren't encouraging it, but telling your girlfriend isn't going to do any good so it should just be kept to yourself. If you used to be a total man whore and screwed half the town before you met your current girlfriend, that's probably better left in the past, too. Basically, if your girlfriend could go without knowing it, it's not going to do any good to bring it up. Now if you've got herpes or something, yeah, you should probably say something, but if your girlfriend isn't going to be hurt by something or catch anything, just keep it to yourself. You'll save yourself a lot of awkward, unpleasant conversations.
God dammit, this made me look like I respect women. Damn you Mark from Chicago.
If you've got a burning question you'd like answered, drop me a line at randy@acrappywebsite.com