One of the many changes noticeable in my apartment since my fiance moved in a few weeks ago has been the sighting of decidedly girly things that never would have been seen in my apartment before. For example, the most recent edition of Cosmo seems to have found a permanent home on my coffee table. Let me tell you, it's difficult to make that game-winning field goal when you've got Christina Aguilera's boobs staring you right in the face. Anyway, I was staring at Christina's boobs when something caught my eye (besides her boobs). Amidst the usual Cosmo staples of sex, sex, and more sex, I see a headline that reads "21 Sneaky Tricks to Get Guys to do what you Want." I found this interesting, because you know damn well that if I ran a major men's magazine with the headline "21 Sneaky Ways to Lie your way into a Chick's Pants,"the feminist backlash would be enormous.
My interest now piqued, I turned to page 202 just to see what kind of tricks lying, manipulative bitches are up to these days to see if they've actually come up with something that isn't completely obvious. Face it, guys generally know when you're lying to us, it's just a matter of whether we actually care enough to call you on it. Normally guys will just go along with whatever gets us laid. Any guy who is actually fooled by some of the lame-ass stories women give should cut his balls off in shame. Nevertheless, as a staunch sexist, I feel obligated to do my part in fighting to keep the woman down. To that end, I've written this handy guide, complete with air-tight defenses against these "sneaky" tricks that everyone who reads a Cosmo is most likely to try at some point. Because let's face it, women just aren't very good at coming up with good ideas on their own. And yes, I did read an entire Cosmo article to write this. Go ahead, call me a fag. You'll thank me when one of my snappy responses gives you back the power in your relationship.
Section 1: When they try to trick you into proposing.
First of all, anyone who does this is fucking stupid. Tricking a guy into proposing can very easily either mean the death of a relationship when the guy finds out, or it can lead to two people getting married who probably shouldn't and end up miserable or divorced. And it's all the woman's fault because she tricked her way into an engagement ring. When guys are ready to propose, they will. If you try to trick them into doing it by faking a pregnancy scare, pretending an old boyfriend wants you back, or any other such bullshit story, yeah, a guy might fall for it. But sooner or later, he's going to find out, and he's going to be super-pissed. So guys, if you have a pushy girlfriend who has been pushing to get engaged and she gives you some shit about being pregnant, an old ex calling, or any other story you suspect might be bullshit (even just for a second), here's what you do. Tell her you don't believe her and then dump her ass. At least momentarily. Trust me, if your girlfriend is lying to you, and you break up with her, you'll find out if she's telling you the truth in record time. Of course when she starts crying and apologizing profusely for being a lying, manipulative bitch, you can take her back. If this does happen, this is a great time to get her to do that one thing in bed you've really wanted to do, but she never lets you. She lied to you, you called her on it, and she almost lost you. She'll do anything to make you happy. Even call up that one hot friend she has you'd like to have a 3-way with.
Another situation to be wary of is those dumb bitches who try and get you to propose by giving you an ultimatum such as they'll break up with you or they'll stop putting out if you don't propose. When women do this, it's the ultimate sign of a) desperation, and b) stupidity. It's the ultimate sign of stupidity because you're trying to force an engagement with someone who clearly doesn't want it. It's the ultimate sign of desperation because they're downright telling you that you hold all the power in your relationship because you have something they want (an engagement ring or the potential for one) and they can't figure out how to get it without resorting to threats. If they threaten to break up if you don't propose, let them leave. Once they realize they aren't going to win, they'll come back and you will completely own them. Even if she doesn't come back, you're better off with someone else than you are with someone who is going to force you into marriage before you're ready.
If she threatens to cut you off, pull your pants off and masturbate right in front of her to show her that you don't need her to put out. Her pathetic little ultimatum won't last long once she sees that you have no intention of caving. Sooner or later, she'll either realize that she actually wants to have sex, too, or she'll realize her attempt to push you into engagement has completely failed and she should stop before she pisses you off even further. There's nothing wrong with whacking off for a couple weeks just to show how in control of things you really are.
Section 2: When they try to charm their way out of trouble.
Before I start this section, let me just say that guys who get tricked by some of the bullshit stories women come up with to get out of trouble, or use their looks to get out of trouble, are just thinking with their penises. If you let a woman get away with something just because you think you have a chance at fucking them, you deserve what you get. Having said that, here are some ways to make women wish they'd never tried to charm their way out of trouble.
The first "sneaky trick" in this section of the article was about how to get away without paying for your restaurant or drink bill. The "sneaky trick" suggested was to give the waiter a sob story about how you've been stood up on a blind date and don't have any cash to pay. Of course in the example, the stupid waiter not only didn't charge the bitch for her drinks, but gave her some free food to go. Guys, if some bitch ever tries to pull this one on you, just remind them that in today's culture, men and women are equals (I know they're really not, but pretend they are for a second) and since men and women are equal, she should pay for her own fucking drinks. They want to vote and get equal pay, but they want us to hold the door for them and expect us to pay for dates. Bullshit.
The next example is how some chick got away with dinging another car in a larking lot (because it's so hard to avoid hitting another car in a fucking parking lot) by giving her name and number to the only witness so he wouldn't tell anyone what he saw. Of course, she gave him a fake name and number and got away with the whole thing without even having to screw the witness to keep him quiet. What he should have done is gotten her license number and called the police anyway, so not only does she have to pay for the damage, but she gets in trouble for leaving the scene of an accident.
Section 3: When they try to trick you into buying something for them.
This is another one of those areas where women like to make exceptions to the whole "equality" thing. They want to be treated like equals, but they still want us to spend our money on them. No matter what they may do to try and get you to spend your money on them, don't. I don't care how hot she is, how much she begs or cries, what she promises you in return, or what she's wearing. Don't cave. Women are just like little kids, if you cave once and buy that one thing for them, they know they have you and they'll just bug you and bug you and bug you until you buy them whatever they want. But of course if you want to blow all your hard-earned money on some gold-digger, that's your business.
Section 4: When they whore themselves at work.
I almost want to leave this section alone because every time some whore dresses slutty or does something slutty to get a job, a raise, etc. another hairy feminist somewhere falls over and dies. However, this can be quite a problem when legitimately qualified people get denied jobs, raises, promotions, etc. because a less qualified whore showed some cleavage or polished the boss's knob. So here's what you do. When some whore is trying to sex her way into a position, let her think it's working. See how much you can get out of her. If she shows up for an interview looking slutty, act very impressed and friendly and schedule a second interview. Maybe next time she'll come in looking even sluttier. Maybe she'll offer to go out on a date with you. Maybe she'll want you to bang her right in the office. Who knows? The one thing you must remember is that you can't specifically encourage or direct her to dress or do anything slutty, because then you can get sued. If you say "Fuck me and you've got the job," you'll probably lose yours. But if she says she finds you attractive and wants to have sex with you, eh, you're not doing anything wrong. For all you know she really did just want to jump on your boner. Really drag the whole process along as far as you can. The farther you drag it out, the more desperate she's liable to get, the more slutty she's liable to act. Then, when you don't think you can drag it out any further, tell her you just didn't think she was qualified enough and you gave the position to someone else. Sure, she'll hate your guts, but what's she going to do? Call the company and complain that she threw herself at you trying to get a job and you didn't fall for it? Call the labor board and tell them that company doesn't hire in exchange for sexual services rendered? As long as you never actually asked her to dress like a whore or bend over and take it like a slut, you haven't made it a condition of hiring or employment. You just figured she was a whore and always acted like that. And if she does complain that she did all this and didn't get the job, she's just going to make herself look like a whore in the process, so nobody is going to respect her or listen to what she has to say anyway. Of course, she could always lie her ass off, but one person's word against another is really hard to believe, especially when the person bringing the accusations is clearly pissed at the other for not getting a job.
Section 5: When they try to break you of habits they don't like.
This is simple. Remind them that their opinion just doesn't matter.
Section 6: When they try to trick you into a relationship by making you jealous.
Occasionally, women try to trick guys into exclusive relationships by making you think they have someone else waiting. This has a simple solution. When they drop hints or do other things to suggest there's another guy they're seeing, act like it's totally natural because, after all, you're seeing other people also. Now, the shoes is on the other foot, she's worried that she doesn't have as firm a grip on you as she thought she did, and you are in control. In one example, a woman swapped out an old, half-filled condom box with a new one to make her fuck-buddy think she's used the rest with other people, even though she was only sleeping with him. In this situation, the man should say "Thank God, I was afraid I was the only one sleeping with other people." Either that or just get the fuck away from her because she's such a whore. In another example, a woman had a male friend call and leave messages pretending to be an ex-boyfriend wanting her back. If this happens to you, it's a good time to casually mention what a weird coincidence it is that your bisexual ex-girlfriend with the really big boobs has realized her mistake and wants you back as well.
Guys, whatever the specific situation, lie, or manipulation might be, remember, women do this because they're desperate. You have something they want and they can't figure out how to get through any honest means. The thing to remember is that they are trying to get the power in your relationship, but if you stay on your toes and you refuse to cave, you'll find the pendulum of power firmly on your side.