The other day I found myself reading a copy of the June edition of Field & Stream. And no, I didn't buy it. Captain Chuck Stout lost it and I came across it and found myself drawn to one of the headings on the cover. That heading?
"Kid-Size Shotguns."
I picked up the magazine laughing, thinking I had to be misreading. It couldn't possibly say kid-size shotguns. So I pulled the magazine closer, and sure enough, it still said "Kid-Size Shotguns." I laughed to myself, it had to be a typo. Or maybe just a ploy to get people to buy their shitty magazine. So I opened up the magazine to the table of contents and, sure enough, on page 24, the current "Shotgun" column had the caption "Choose a kid's gun."
I still found it hard to believe. Kid's guns? I mean giving a kid a gun? With bullets? So then it hit me. They weren't talking about a REAL gun. They must be talking about a BB gun, or maybe a squirt gun. They couldn't possibly be talking about a REAL gun, could they? I mean, not even hillbillies are that stupid, are they?
So I turned to page 24, and to my utter shock, I see a picture of a little boy who couldn't be more than 10, holding a shotgun. At this point, I was in shock. I didn't know whether to laugh or run home and curl up in the fetal position to hide from the pre-pubescent gun-toters. I still didn't completely believe that anyone would give their kid a gun, so I went to one of my hillbilly sources for some insight into redneck child-rearing. According to my source, the Field & Stream column is no joke. Hillbillies do actually give their children guns. Now myself, I think there are certain things they just shouldn't make in kids' sizes, such as guns, condoms, and Good Charlotte CD's. But apparently, I am in the minority and there are children out there who have yet to grow their first pubic hair but are already firing real guns, and it's all thanks to the hillbilly population.
Then, it hit me, the hillbillies are going to kill themselves off. Giving children guns can only lead to their extinction. Think about it. A world with no hillbillies. What would that be like...
No more NASCAR.
The only fishing done would be commercial.
No more gun clubs causing trouble.
No more Confederate flags.
No more cowboy hats.
No more state fairs.
No more 4H.
No more fishing and hunting shows on TV to flip past on your way to finding something entertaining.
No more Larry the Cable Guy.
No more country music.
No more Waffle Houses.
I have seen the future. And it is glorious.