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Some of you may have gotten a chain mail called "What Does Love Mean?" or some other idiotic bullshit along those lines. Basically, it's a list of what little kids think love is. I think I've gotten this fucking chain mail eighteen times now and it's really getting on my nerves. So this Valentine's Day on my home page, one of the links was to this same fucking list of quotes from little kids about what they think love is. That's it, I'm tired of sitting idly by and letting these kids go on thinking they're cute. It's about damn time somebody stood up and said "Dammit, that isn't cute, it's fucking stupid!" And who better to say that than me? So without further ado, what kids think about love. Prepare to be sickened.

When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when
his hands got arthritis too. That's love. Rebecca- age 8

No, Rebecca, that isn't love. I'll tell you what that is. It's the most severe case of being pussy-whipped I've ever heard of. Why the hell would an old person need to paint her fucking toenails anyway? Who looks at old people's feet? Do you look at old people's feet? I sure as hell don't. If I did, I'm pretty sure I'd throw up all over them. Trust me, when me and my wife are old and gray and have arthritis, her toenails are not getting painted unless she either hires a maid or gets herself a really long brush.

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You
just know that your name is safe in their mouths. Billy- age 4

How the fuck can a word be safe in somebody's mouth? For that matter, how the fuck can a word be unsafe in somebody's mouth? For example, I think Billy here is a fucking dipshit. I hate the little bastard and I've never even met him. Is his name going to get harmed by me saying it? Let's try it. Billy. Nope, it seems to have gotten through my mouth unscathed. I'll try it again. Billy. Nope, still the same.

Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne
and they go out and smell each other. Kari- age 5

Shaving cologne? Someone needs to explain to this kid that you don't use cologne to shave. You do, however, use shaving CREAM, and you can put cologne on AFTER you shave, but I have never in my life heard of shaving cologne. And who smells each other on a date? Most people only wear perfume and/or cologne on a date if they're hoping to get some action, not because they want to smell each other. Jesus Christ, what an ignorant little tool.

Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissie- age 6

If somebody took any of my God damn french fries, I would beat the shit out of them. And even if you did give someone your french fries, why would you expect them to give you theirs? If you're just going to swap fries, then why the hell don't you keep your own damn fries? That way you don't get the other person's germs. Oh but I guess eating your own french fries isn't very romantic. I guess I'm just not retarded enough to see the beauty in giving somebody your french fries. Unless they're from somewhere with really crappy fries like Hardee's, their fries suck, you can have them.

Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Terri- age 4

Smiling is for dumbasses.

Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny- age 7

That isn't love, that is your mommy being a thieving bitch. She isn't trying to make sure the coffee is okay, she's fucking stealing it like the whore she is. Tell me, Danny, have you ever seen Mommy take a sip of Daddy's coffee and say "Oh my God, this tastes like shit, let me make you some more." No, you haven't. And do you know why that is Danny? Because your mom is obviously one of those feminist bitches who thinks women are on the same level as men and would be insulted if your dad ever told her that her coffee sucks. You see, by drinking the coffee before he does, then if he complains, she can tell him that it's all in his head because she thought the coffee was fine. I hope your mom dies, Danny.

Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and my daddy are
like that. They look gross when they kiss. Emily- age 8

You should see them when they're having butt sex. Because as well all know, that's the only reason Dad is kissing Mom. He's trying to get her warmed up for a good old-fashioned buttfucking. Trust me, people who kiss all the time probably don't have any emotional connection whatsoever, that's why they're always messing around, they don't have anything interesting to talk about and they're desperately clinging to the only reason they have to stay together. Enjoy it while it last, Emily, because they're getting divorced. And it's probably your fault too.

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen. Bobby- age 7

So you can hear love? This is just great. We have kids who think names can get hurt in people's mouths, and we have kids who think you can hear love. Trust me, if you could hear any emotion at present-opening time, it would be pure, uninhibited greed.

If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who
you hate. Nikka- age 6

I guarantee you this bitch comes from a family of hippies. Nikka even sounds like a hippie name.

Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday. Noelle- age 7

This girl is most likely also a hippie. Hippies are the only people in the world who find someone wearing the same shirt every day attractive. Personally, if I told a girl I liked her shirt and she wore it every day, I'd tell her to go do some fucking laundry.

Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy- age 6

Either that or it's too late in life to find somebody they actually like, so instead they resign themselves to rotting away together, rather than spend their twilight years alone. Kind of like a lesser of two evils.

During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at
all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the
only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. Cindy- age 8

You know why he was the only one waving and smiling? BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK!

My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night. Clare- age 6

Would you prefer it if an old fat pervy stranger kissed you to sleep at night?

Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. Elaine-age 5

No, that's just a woman actually realizing her place in life. I wish more women understood that.

Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford. Chris- age 7

Handsomer? You would think by age seven, you would know that handsomer is not a word. It is "more handsome." Learn English you ignorant little shit. And besides, unless your dad is one ugly bastard, he has to be better-looking than Robert Redford. I mean come on, have you seen that guy lately? He has to be a hundred years old, and his face is starting to look like an old weathered canyon. Maybe he was attractive a few decades ago but not anymore.

Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day. Mary Ann- age 4

She says this as though she expects her dog to hate her after being alone for a few hours. Apparently Mary Ann needs constant attention twenty-four hours a day. You know Mary Ann, maybe if you weren't such an attention-craving whore, you would understand that just because someone isn't with you all fucking day doesn't mean they don't care about you. You see, there's this thing called "life", and in "life" we have things called "responsibilities." This means that we have to do things like go to work, rather than spend all day catering to our demanding little bastards.

  When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars
come out of you. Karen- age 7

Yeah, if you're in a cartoon.

Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's
gross. Mark- age 6

Somebody needs to alert child services because apparently Mark here lives in an environment where it's okay to watch other people on the toilet. I don't know about you, but for me, going to the bathroom is a solo activity. Just me, a book, and maybe a Playboy. Certainly nobody else.

You really shouldn't say I LOVE YOU unless you mean it. But if you mean
it, you should say it a lot. People forget. Jessica-age 8 

This girl is going to grow up to be one of those insecure teenage girls who puts out for any guy who pays attention to her for five minutes.

And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an
elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the
little boy went over into the man's yard, climbed on top of the man's lap,
and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the
neighbor, the little boy said, Nothing, I just helped him cry.

Way to rub it in his face. Here's an old guy in the waning years of his life whose wife just died and now he has to spend his last days alone and miserable, and here comes this little kid who still has a family and seventy years of life ahead of him to cheer him up. Yeah, I'm sure you really helped him kid. Way to twist the knife, asshole.

crap from 2005