It's A Crappy Life: A Crappy Christmas Story by Randy (Part 2)
As Randy and Clarence stepped out the door, Randy noticed that something was different. "Hey where the fuck did all these fucking rednecks come from?" he asked Clarence. "My neighborhood is full of methheads, not inbred, sheep-fucking, illiterate God damn hillbillies."
Clarence sighed yet again (but for the first time in part 2 of this shitty Christmas story). "I've explained twice that I was taking you on a journey. You are no longer in your home neighborhood. You are in Nashville."
"Oh, well I guess that explains all the inbred, sheepfucking hillbillies." (Oh yeah, I went there.) "But why the fuck did you take me to the inbreeding capital of the world..hey wait a minute, why the fuck is my wife here? And what the fuck is she doing with that old hillbilly?"
"Remember," Clarence said, "I said I was going to show you what the lives of those around you would be like if you had never been born. And before you get any ideas, no you can't talk to her. Nobody you see during our travels can see or hear you, yada yada yada..."
"Well yeah, I figured. That's pretty standard for this type of thing. I'm not retarded you know." Clarence shrugged. "But you never told me what the fuck my wife is doing here with all these cousin-fuckers."
"Oh she lives here now. You see, you weren't around to meet and marry her so she ended up fulfilling her teenage dream of meeting and marrying that "Old Hillbilly" you see, who happens to be country singer Toby Keith."
Randy laughed. "HA! Just how old is that motherfucker? He's gotta be her dad's age. Yeah I bet she has a lot of fun fucking those old balls. I wonder if she cleans his dentures for him. Old-ass hillbilly. I should kick his ass just for being that old. Stupid redneck bastard. You know, I have to say, she was better off with me. That's a very shitty runner-up prize. Old piece of shit with his old-ass wrinkly balls."
"Yes, your bravado is not lost on me. Very secure display of you."
"Fuck you."
"Well, as long as we understand each other. Yes, your wife now spends her time in Nashville at country music concerts, ceremonies, recording sessions, and she's even working on recording her first CD herself. See, you weren't around every time she started singing to tell her not to quit her day job. Which, coincidentally enough, she actually did quit her day job because her country star husband has quite the large bank account."
"Well yeah. Country fans are the dumbest motherfuckers in the world. They'll buy anything. And he may have money, but I have two things he doesn't have."
"What's that?"
"A high school diploma, and balls that aren't fifty fucking years old, that's what. He can suck it."
"Okay are you always this contrary about everything?" Clarence asked.
"I'm just how God made me," Randy said. Then he flipped off Clarence for good measure.
"Very well, moving on." Clarence snapped his fingers and the scenery changed to a neighborhood Randy immediately recognized.
"Hey, this is my old house. Only my mom moved out a few years ago and it looks a lot nicer than it did when I lived there. Did the new owners fix it up?"
Clarence shook his head. "Not quite. You see, since you weren't around to eat everything in sight, your parents saved a lot of money on food, so they had money to fix up the house. And your mom never moved out. And actually neither did your dad since he stayed with your mom."
"What? He did?"
"Yeah, see, it turns out you are the reason your parents divorced."
"Oh what the fuck ever dude! I am not the reason my dad was a fucking perverted asshole who spent all his time on the computer either looking at porn sites or meeting strange women on the internet. Don't even give me that shit because that was in no way my fault." Clarence just shrugged. "And what about my brother? He ate more than a few hot dogs in his day. So no matter how much I ate, they still would've had to pay for him."
"Funny you should mention him," and he snapped his fingers. Randy found himself standing in front of the White House, where his brother was giving a speech out front with a large media crowd gathered around.
"So what? I suppose you're going to tell me my brother married the first female President or some shit now aren't you?"
Clarence shook his head. "Actually, he's the President himself. Although they don't call him the President. Your brother did such a good job that the Presidency has been ended and he is actually America's first monarch. He is called King Jeremy the Peacekeeper. He has managed in his five years in office to get an anti-war treaty signed by the head of every sovereign government in the civilized world, which in effect makes war illegal in the eyes of all the world leaders, effectively ending war as we know it."
"And here come the holes in logic just for the sake of dramatic effect. You mean to tell me that the United States of America just threw the Constitution in the trash after two centuries because some pissant 25-year-old kid who still shits his pants at scary movies got a few people to sign a piece of paper?" Clarence nodded. "Get real broseph. And how is it he became President? He couldn't lead a dog on a leash!"
"Oh, but remember Randy, you were never born. So your brother was an only child and didn't have an older, condescending brother to tell him to shutup and crap all over everything he did, so he grew up confident in his abilities and eager to express himself. He's actually a pretty tremendous leader."
"Okay brosky, I'm going to hit you with a big fat fuckin' whatever. This bullshit is getting ridiculous, and I'm about to miss my cage match. And can I just say that you are the single shittiest guardian angel ever. How is any of this supposed to make me feel better."
Clarence became quiet for a few minutes. "I'm not here to make you feel better," he said. "I'm here, at the request of the Lord God himself, to show you how much better off the world would have been if you had never been born. God regrets having created you."
to be concluded.....................