It's A Crappy Life: A Crappy Christmas Story by Randy (Part 1)
Once upon a time there was an asshole named Randy. He was a miserable, insufferable bastard that everyone hated. Seriously. Nobody liked him. Even his own mother didn't call him on his birthday. That's how big of a douche this guy was.
Randy didn't much care for Christmas. Or hippies. Or soccer. Or rap. Or people with bigger penises than him. Or pretty much anyone and anything other than football, video games, and internet pornography. He had a crappy job as a manager at a crappy family restaurant and one Christmas Eve he was working, wishing everyone else in the world would die in a volcano, when a woman walked in the front door.
"Hi," said the woman. "My name is Rebecca and I'm from the group home just down the street from you and I'm going around collecting donations from local businesses for Christmas presents to bring smiles to the faces of children who have lost their families. Do you have anything you would be able to donate to a child this Christmas?"
"I think I have just the thing," Randy replied. "I'll be right back," and he walked to the back of the restaurant. He came back a few minutes later. "Here you go. Some certificates good for free Kids' Meals. Merry Christmas!"
"Why thank you!" Rebecca replied. "The kids will love this! Have a Merry Christmas!" Rebecca took the certificates and left.
One of Randy's employees noticed the conversation and walked over to him. "Wow, that was uncharacteristically generous of you. What's going on?"
Randy smirked. "Don't worry," he said. "I wrote an expiration date on those. And unfortunately they expired yesterday." He walked away laughing at his clever prank.
A few thousand miles above the earth's surface, standing on a cloud was an old man with a white robe and a long white beard who definitely exists. And he wasn't nearly as amused as Randy. He turned to a short, white-haired man next to him and said "Okay that's it. That's enough. When he paid that kid to dress up as a terrorist for Halloween right after 9-11, I chalked it up to being an angry, confused, immature young man. And when he laughed when that blind kid walked into a door, I thought maybe it was just because he didn't understand what it was like to be born with a handicap. And when he masturbated in church, I looked the other way. But this is too much. I've never given up on a soul before, but I've never had anyone push it this far before. This has gone far enough. You know what to do. And Clarence, if you succeed, you will get your wings."
"Yes, Lord," the man said, and he walked away.
An hour later, Randy heard a knock at his door. He put his dirty magazine down, put his pants on and answered the door. "This better be good" he said as he opened the door. "Miss December has some serious rackage going on."
The short, white-haired man cleared his throat and said. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Clarence and I'm your guardian angel. I'm here to take you on a journey."
"Yeah, sure," Randy said. "And I'm Britney Spears and I'm here to call the police if you don't get the fuck off my porch," and slammed the door. He turned back to his dirty magazine and was about to pull his pants down when the man walked through his door. "What the fuck?! Who the fuck are you?! How the fuck did you do that?! And why the fuck are you in my fucking living room?!"
The white-haired man sighed. "I already told you. My name is Clarence and I'm your guardian angel. I tried knocking like a normal person and just telling you, but you didn't want to believe that, so I had to do this to get your attention."
"Right. Well if you're my guardian angel, I'd like a six-pack of beer, a lawn chair, and three hot, naked bisexual chicks. One blonde, one brunette, and one redhead."
Clarence sighed again. "That's not what I'm here for. As I said before, I'm here to take you on a journey."
"Exactly what kind of journey? It better be a short fucking journey, because pro wrestling's on tonight and there's a cage match main event, and if I miss it, I'm going to be super-pissed."
"The journey I will be taking you on is a result of the choices you have made in your life. I want to show you what the lives of those around you would have been like if you had never been born."
Randy's jaw dropped. "You've got to be fucking kidding me! Are you fucking serious? A fucking "It's A Wonderful Life" parody? That's gotta be the dumbest motherfucking idea I've ever heard in my entire fucking life. Nobody's going to read that shit. That's fucking retarded. People are just going to crap all over it. Fuck this."
Clarence sighed yet again. "The decision has already been made. And if you want to make it back in time for your cage match, I suggest we leave soon. The longer you stall, the longer it will be before you get back. And please do clean up your language a bit. Cursing is painful on an angel's ears."
"What the fuck ever bro," Randy replied. "How about you suck my dick and we'll call it even? And you'd probably like it, too, because Clarence is a fucking gay name. Just FYI on that one."
Clarence sighed yet again as the two walked out the door.
to be continued............................