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The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, was released in November of 1998. I still haven't beaten it. I have come to realize and accept the fact that I suck at video games. Sports games I'm usually okay at, but damn near everything else I'm just not that good. I had tried playing Zelda through a few times to no avail. I would play for a couple months, and then ether get to a dungeon I couldn't figure out, get to a boss I couldn't beat, or find that I needed a weapon or item to beat something and I had no idea how to get it.

Then a while back I actually found a perfect guide for Ocarina of Time. Now call me a buttfucking cheater, but I bought it. You see, people like me are the reason perfect guides exist. Hell, I couldn't even get past the very first level of Final Fantasy X where the tutorial is showing you how to play the game. I couldn't even survive learning how to not die. Now you can say that I'm a cheater and that using guides takes all the fun out of it, but just how much fun is it to take months and months playing the same damn game and not get anywhere? Trust me, if I was good at video games, I wouldn't use guides. But I suck, so I do. Well, I've given up yet again. This time I have been done in by Bongo Bongo, the boss of the Shadow Temple. He's a fucking scrub and I can't even beat him. The point of this boss is that you're standing on some kind of trampoline and he hits it with his hands, making it hard as fuck to keep your balance and get off a clear shot with your bow. You are supposed to hit each hand with an arrow, which will expose the red part which you can only see with your magic Lens of Truth. The problem is I can't get off any good shots because you don't have time to set before the thing starts bouncing so my arrows always miss and I run out of arrows. I know I know, you beat Bongo Bongo the first time you faced him. Well I don't give a fuck. I suck at video games. I'm sure there's things you can't do that I could do in my sleep so just eat my ass. But the game has been out a full six years now and I still haven't beat the fucking thing. To give you an idea of just how long I have been trying to beat this damn game, I have provided some of the things that have happened in the time I have been trying to beat The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

Nintendo has released five new Zelda games for N64, Game Boy Advance, and Gamecube, as well as two remakes of old Zelda games for newer systems, including a newer and more challenging version of Ocarina of Time for Gamecube. Apparently the one I can't beat wasn't challenging enough.

I have received a high school diploma.

I have received a bachelor's degree.

I have eaten an estimated 5,475 meals.

I have slept an estimated 17,520 hours.

I have worked an estimated 8,320 hours.

I have written 27 shitty articles for this web site.

I have taken approximately 2,190 bowel movements.

I have gained about sixty pounds.

I have been rejected by 103 bitches.

I have gotten laid about 80 times.

I have whacked off about 1,560 times.

I have joked about having sexual relations with either males, animals, or minors about 486 times.

I have made fun of about 21,900 people.

I have pissed off about 43,800 people.

I have won the Super Bowl in Madden 14 times. And yes I keep track. So I'm a nerd, sue me.

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