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I sat down with John Lennon's ghost, who took a few minutes out of his busy day of burning in hell, to ask him a few questions about his music career, his hippie-ness, and what it's like to burn in hell.

Randy: So John, how does it feel to be out of hell for a few minutes?

John Lennon's Ghost: It's great. You know, it isn't so much the screaming and gnashing of teeth and the lake of sulfur that bothers me. What's worst about hell is that they play my own song "Hey Jude" on repeat forever. Jesus Christ, I never realized just how God damn annoying that song was until I got to hell.

R: Yes that song is actually one of the most annoying songs of all time. What the hell were you thinking?

JL: Well it all started back when I decided to pursue music as a possible career. You see, I didn't have any musical talent, and I was kind of an ass, so I knew it would be difficult to make it as a musician. (laughs) I should have been born in the eighties, because none of the musicians now have any talent. I would have fit right in.

R: No, they don't.

JL: So anyway, I decided that if I wanted a career in music, I was going to have to go after the stupidest group of music listeners possible, so naturally, hippies came to mind. Hippies are so God damn stupid and they will listen to any crap just so long as it's cheery and retarded.

R: So with the Beatles you intentionally became a hippie and made cheery, retarded music, just so you would be popular with hippies? Is that why you wore those stupid glasses all the time that made you look like a homo?

JL: Exactly. And it worked perfectly. And another thing I did with the Beatles was to put out massive amounts of music that took virtually no time to write. If you throw enough at the wall, something is going to stick. So I decided if I spit out twenty crappy songs in a few short months, at least one or two of them is bound to strike a chord with the general hippie population. So you always hear people talk about all the hits I had with the Beatles, but you never hear them talk about the dozens of songs that absolutely sucked on every level that nobody listens to anymore.

R: I talk about all the songs that absolutely suck.

JL: Well you are far more intelligent than my core fan base, so that's no surprise.

R: Now back to "Hey Jude," toward the end of the song you break into what seems like an hour and a half of chanting "Na na na, na na na na." What the fuck is that supposed to be?

JL: As I mentioned before, I didn't have talent as a musician, and that went double for songwriting. You see, as unintelligent as I was, my vocabulary wasn't very big. What happened with "Hey Jude" was that I simply ran out of words that made any sense in that song. I had more music to finish the song, but I didn't know what other words I could put in, so I decided to chant nonsensical bullshit with the hope that people wouldn't realize what a stupid asshole I was.

R: I KNEW IT!

JL: (laughs) Yes, I'm sorry to disappoint all the hippies out there, but that wasn't a lyrical masterpiece, I was just trying to cover my ass.

R: Moving onto a different subject now, just what the hell were you thinking when you decided to pursue Yoko Ono?

JL: Well, I was feeling guilty for releasing all that horrible music into the world and I was looking for a way to make it stop. I didn't have the balls to just quit, so I needed to create some tension in the band, and Yoko was the perfect opportunity. Unfortunately, though, I had to have sex with her ugly ass, which was almost as bad as having to listen to "Hey Jude" on repeat for all of eternity.

R: One last question, were you surprised at the way you were shot in cold blood on that fateful day?

JL: You know, getting murdered sucked and all, but I can honestly say I'm surprised I lived that long. Somebody who puts out as much shitty music as I did has to expect to get shot sooner or later.

R: Well John, thanks for your time. Say hello to Christopher Reeve for me.

crap from 2004