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I recently had a visit from the ghost of former NASCAR racing great, Dale Earnhardt, to talk about the sheer idiocy of NASCAR, inbreeding, and how he got to be so damn ugly.

Randy: So Dale, what's it like to be in hell?

Dale Earnhardt's Ghost: It rilly sucks, Randy. Let me tell you, Ah never thought Ah would need all that useless crap they taught us in grade school like countin' and readin', but Ah was wrong. You see, for ignernt rednecks like me, haayol is nothin' but story problems and readin' at a college level. That presents a problem since Ah never got that high in school.

R: Boy that's gotta suck. So are you saying you now wish you weren't such an ignorant hillbilly?

DE: That's exactly what Ah'm sayin'. The problem is Ah was so damn stoopid and never learned to read or do dition and subtraction so now Ah'm payin' for it.

R: So was your stupidity what caused you to pursue auto racing as a career?

DE: Yes, you see, bein' the stupid asshole that Ah was, mah career options were limited. Most of the people in mah trailer park either worked in body shops or stole cars for a career because we didn't have of what you would call "job skills" because we dropped out of school so young. Ah used to be a car thief with mah friend Jeb, and Ah got so good at drivin' cars rilly fast that Ah decided to make a career out of it. Besides, Ah figured racin' cars was safer than stealin' them because when you're racin', nobody is shootin' at you.

R: So you actually chose racing as a career because of its safety, and you died in a race. That's kind of ironic.

DE: (laughs) Yep, kind of funny how that worked out, isn't it?

R: But at least you had a career you enjoyed, which is more than most people can say.

DE: Yeah Ah did. Let me tell you, nothing made me feel more at home than bein' at a NASCAR track. With all the rednecks, high school dropouts, and inbreds, Ah felt like Ah was right back in mah childhood trailer park home.

R: There's something I've always wondered. What is the big appeal of auto racing? Why don't you just grab a lawn chair and go hang out by I-75 all day. There are bound to be more accidents and you eventually get to see a high speed chase or two. You don't get that in auto racing, which is essentially a bunch of jackasses driving around in circles for three hours.

DE: You know, you're right. Come to think of it, auto racin' is fuckin' stoopid.

R: I have a question that I've always wanted to ask you, which I'm sure my readers are dying to know the answer to. Just how the hell did you get so ugly?

DE: Well, Ah wasn't always this ugly. Mah father/uncle did this to me.

R: You mean you were abused as a child?

DE: Well yeah, but what kid growin' up in the trailer park isn't at some time or another? And we don't call it abuse, we call it discipline. Mah father/uncle's beatings are what made me the man Ah grew up to be. But it wasn't discipline that made me this ugly.

R: So what happened?

DE: You see, my sister was real perty...

R: Perhaps I shouldn't have asked...

DE: ...I mean she was the pertiest gal in the whole trailer park. There wasn't a man or boy in the trailer park who wasn't jealous when they found out I lost my virginity to her...

R: Oh mother of God...

DE: Now, Ah can't finish mah story if'n you won't let me talk.

R: You're right, I'm sorry. Wait a minute, did you just say if'n?

DE: Now, as Ah was sayin', mah sister was the pertiest girl in the trailer park, and when she broke up with mah Uncle Leroy Ah asked her to be mah girlfriend the next day and she said yes. So Ah took her out to a rodeo for our first date and we made love under the stars in the back of our trailer park, and that was mah first time with a woman. It was beeeeoooteeeful.

R: That's lovely.

DE: So anywho, when mah father/uncle found out what we done, oh he was awful sore. He grabbed himself a wrench and he hit me in the face with it about fifteen times, which caused the horrible disfigurement of mah face.

R: Gee, what a surprise. Your dad was pissed that you were fucking your sister.

DE: Durn right he was mad. He wanted her for himself. He and mah momma had been havin trouble and he was fixin' on gettin' mah sister all for himself so's he could get all that sweet lovin'. Oh Mah sister was good. Our grandpa had taught her a few tricks how to please a man.

R: Okay, that's it. Back to hell with you. I'm sorry to all my readers for putting you through this.

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