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I recently sat down with the ghost of former shitty actor turned cripple Christopher Reeve to get his thoughts on his shitty acting career, his successful bid to be remembered as a hero, and using his handicap to further his career.

Randy: First of all Chris, before we get into what a shitty actor you were I have something I'd like to ask you about. I notice that even though you are dead and now a ghost, you're still in a wheelchair. What's with the wheelchair?

Christopher Reeve's ghost: Well Randy, the wheelchair is an eternal punishment from God.

Randy: How so?

Chris: You see, when I became paralyzed in life, I used my paralysis to further my own career and make people take me more seriously. You see, before the accident, nobody gave a shit about me except Superman fans. Other than that, nobody really cared. But after the accident I saw an opportunity. I could prey on the sympathies of people and use that sympathy to further my interests.

Randy: Well your plan worked perfectly. After the accident, it was no longer socially acceptable to talk about what a shitty actor you were.

Christopher: Exactly, and I used that to my advantage. Let's face it, how many of my movies before the accident did anybody care about that weren't called "Superman?"

Randy: None.

Chris: Exactly, but once I became crippled, everyone loved me and I could do no wrong. I got offers to be in a few movies, playing a cripple of course, and I was able to write and direct other movies. I even won a few awards for various projects after the accident, which is funny because I didn't somehow become more talented by becoming paralyzed. I just played the sympathy for all it was worth. And for using my paralysis to further my own interests, God punished me by forcing me to be paralyzed for all of eternity. And let me tell you, there are no ramps or elevators in hell so it really sucks.

Randy: I imagine so. Do you think maybe your use of your paralysis to win votes for Democrats contributed to the punishment too?

Chris: Oh absolutely. You see, I never gave a flying fuck about paralysis victims until the accident. And to tell you the truth, nobody did. But once I couldn't walk anymore, I damn sure wanted people to find a cure. So I supported the Democrats, who are in favor of stem cell research. It was a win-win situation. I was working to allow research to cure me, and the Democrats got a popular celebrity spokesman and got a lot of sympathy votes. There were some great commercials where they showed my crippled ass and explained how stem cell research could have saved my life. It really drove home the point that I was really the only important person in the world with paralysis. I mean sure there are a lot of other paralyzed people out there, but they're all insignificant shits, not like me. I'm Superman.

Randy: It's funny that you mention how you didn't care about paralysis victims before the accident, because there has been a lot of talk about how you were a hero and a champion of the fight to find a cure for paralysis.

Chris: Yeah well what do you expect? Before the accident I had much better things to spend my money on like exotic cars, my mansion, and a thousand times more women than you'll ever get. But once I became paralyzed the most important thing was to get cured, so that became my primary concern with my money.

Randy: So rather than a hero, you were actually a self-serving asshole?

Chris: Exactly. If you really think about it, what did I ever do for anybody else that wasn't done primarily to benefit myself? But it is really cool how people have decided I'm a hero. I mean hell, all I did was fall off my horse and then spend all my money trying to cure myself. I wouldn't really say that qualifies me as a hero, seeing as I didn't do anything that anybody else in my situation wouldn't have done. I mean think about it. If you had millions of dollars and you fell off a horse and were paralyzed, what would you do?

Randy: Probably spend my millions trying to find a cure.

Chris: Exactly. I didn't do anything difficult or even anything primarily to benefit others. It was all self-motivated and really the obvious choice to make in my situation.

Randy: I've heard some say that you were heroic for having the courage to go on living.

Chris: Oh yeah. I wanted to die for a while. The problem was I couldn't figure out how to kill myself since I was paralyzed. It kind of limits your suicide options. (laughs) But then I figured out that I could use my paralysis to further my interests, so I decided maybe I'd stick around after all, since I couldn't kill myself anyway. (laughs)

Randy: Well it's been great talking to you. Good luck with the wheelchair in hell. And say hello to Rick James for me.

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