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I've spent a lot of time making fun of hillbillies on my web site. However, I've never clearly defined what makes one a "hillbilly" or given a good standard people can use to judge own hillbilly-ness. After all, just what makes one a "hillbilly" anyway? Does a fondness for country music make one a hillbilly? What about using words like "daggone"? This has been a matter of debate, but no more. Now, for the first time, there is a definitive and scientifically proven test available that can prove once and for all whether an individual is a hillbilly. Grab a pencil and take the challenge to find out whether or not you qualify as a hillbilly. Read each question, pick the answer that best describes you, and record the points awarded for your answer. At the end of the test, tally up your points and see which category you fall into.
1. When it comes to country music you ...
a) Hate it. (0 points)
b) Like a few songs. (1 point)
c) Listen to more country than any other kind of music. (5 points)
d) "Well daggone, why in the hell would you listen to anything but country?" (10 points)
2. When it comes to you dating family members you...
a) Are disgusted at the mere thought of dating anyone related to you. (0 points)
b) Think a family member is hot, but you wouldn't even consider dating them. (1 point)
c) Have been in the position of explaining to someone that a relationship wasn't TECHNICALLY incest because they're only related by marriage or adoption and you don't have any of the same blood. (5 points)
d)" Now hold on son, just what would you consider as a "family member?" '(10 points)
3. When it comes to wearing shirts and shoes, you...
a) Always wear a shirt and shoes outside your home. (0 points)
b) Will occasionally go shoeless or shirtless outside the home, but usually just when in your own yard. (1 point)
c) Have been asked to leave a public building because of their "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy. (5 points)
d) "Now what in the hell are these there shirts and shoes yer yappin' about?" (10 points)
4. You think Larry the Cable Guy is...
a) A stupid asshole (0 points)
b) Funny in an ignorant hillbilly kind of way. (1 point)
c) Funny. (5 points)
d) "He's one funny sum-bitch! Git 'r done!" (10 points)
5. When you graduated high school, your parents said...
a) Congratulations. (0 points)
b) Thank God. We didn't think you'd make it. (1 point)
c) We finally got one all the way through high school! (5 points)
d) "Graduate? What's that, like grade 8 or somethin'?" (10 points)
6. Your idea of an enjoyable father-son bonding experience is...
a) Seeing a sports game together. (0 points)
b) Fishing. (1 point)
c) Hunting. (5 points)
d) "Son, let's go to the barber shop and get us a pair of matching mullets.". (10 points)
7. You use hillbilly terms and phrases such as "daggone," "y'all," "I tell you what," and refer to people as "son" who are not your son...
a) Never. (0 points)
b) Rarely. (1 point)
c) Sometimes. (5 points)
d) "Well daggone, son, who doesn't talk like that?" (10 points)
8. You think the guests on the Jerry Springer Show...
a) Make you feel better about yourself just by not being them. (0 points)
b) Remind you of yourself. (1 point)
c) "Hey! I was on the Jerry Springer show one time!" (5 points)
d) "I don't care for them fancy-pants rich folk on that show." (10 points)
9. If someone called you a redneck, you would...
a) Laugh. (0 points)
b) Kick their ass. (1 point)
c) Tell them they were just jealous. (5 points)
d) "Why thank you kindly fer the generous compliment.". (10 points)
10. You think NASCAR is...
a) Fucking stupid. (0 points)
b) Enjoyable to watch with other people. (1 point)
c) The best thing on TV. (5 points)
d) "Boy I tell you what! If'n you don't watch what you're sayin' about NASCAR, 'ole Dale might come down from heaven and whup some respect into ya!" (10 points)
11. You wear hillbilly clothing such as cowboy boots, cowboy hats, and belt buckles...
a) Never. (0 points)
b) Rarely. (1 point)
c) Almost daily. (5 points)
d) "Son I've got a cowboy hat for every occasion." (10 points)
12. You think people who fly Confederate flags or display them on their clothing are...
a) Ignorant white trash. (0 points)
b) Entitled to their opinions. (1 point)
c) Real Americans. (5 points)
d) "If'n you don't like my flag, you can kiss my redneck ass!" (10 points)
13. When it comes to mullets, you...
a) Never had one and wouldn't even think about getting one. (0 points)
b) Have thought about getting one. (1 point)
c) Have had one at some point in life. (5 points)
d) "Son, I've got the finest damn mullet this side of Louisiana!" (10 points)
14. Your favorite sport is...
a) Something normal. (0 points)
b) Wrestling. (1 point)
c) NASCAR. (5 points)
d) "Rodeo, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!" (10 points)
15. Your favorite outdoor activity is...
a) A sport, such as baseball or basketball. (0 points)
b) Camping. (1 point)
c) Fishing or Hunting. (5 points)
d) "Verna! Get the kids! We're going to the county fair!" (10 points)
16. You drive...
a) Anything other than a pickup truck. (0 points)
b) A pickup truck. (1 point)
c) A pickup truck with mudflaps or a Confederate flag. (5 points)
d) "I got me a pickup truck with mudflaps, a Confederate flag, AND a pile of scrap iron in the bed." (10 points)
17. The first question you ask a potential dating or sex partner is...
a) What's your name? (0 points)
b) How many kids you got? (1 point)
c) Are you 18? (5 points)
d) Ford or Chevy? (10 points)
18. When someone says "Ford or Chevy?" you say...
a) Who gives a shit? (0 points)
b) You simply say "Ford" or "Chevy." (1 point)
c) You say "Ford" or "Chevy" and explain why. (5 points)
d) "Boy, like all REAL Americans, I'm a (insert one here) man! Fuck (insert the other one here)! (10 points)
19. Your idea of a good first date is...
a) Getting laid. (0 points).
b) Going to McDonald's. (1 point)
c) Introducing your date to Grandma. (5 points)
d) "How would you like fer me to take you muddin'?
20. You got your first gun...
a) Never, you don't have one. (0 points)
b) As an adult. (1 point)
c) As a teen. (5 points)
d) "Jeb, you're walking and using the big potty now, so I think it's about time you learned what bein' a man is all about. So, I got ya a present." (10 points)
Well, there you have it. Acrappywebsite.com's official Hillbilly Test. Count up your score and look to see where you fall.
If you scored 0-10...
Not a hillbilly.
Congratulations. You passed.
If you scored 11-25...
Borderline hillbilly.
You probably aren't really a hillbilly, but may be suffering from overexposure to country music, which tends to turn you hillbilly if left unchecked. A lot of preppy daddy's girls fall into this category because of their affinity for country music and delusions that cowboys are somehow desirable sex partners. Don't worry, you're not too far gone. Just stay away from the country music, don't date anyone who wears a cowboy hat, and you should find yourself coming back to normality. Just like...
By the way, Nicole Kidman is the one who would fall into this category. Anyone who would shack up with any country singer (Keith Urban, who belongs in a more serious category of hillbilly) has definitely got some hillbilly tendencies that need addressed.
If you scored 26-50...
Mild hillbilly.
Yeah, sorry to say it, but you're a hillbilly. Fortunately for you, you probably aren't so far gone that you can't maintain relationships with normal people. Just try to keep your country music away from normal people so as to not alienate them. Also, if you find yourself alone and desperate to find a relationship or sex partner, try to avoid family functions as you are at mild risk of incest. Just like...
If you scored 51-125...
Hillbilly.
You're a hillbilly allright. We can only hope you get so caught up in watching CMT that you forget to breed with your sister and your hillbilly genes are not passed on. Not likely, but we can dream. Just like...
If you scored 126-200...
Alpha hillbilly.
If you fall into this category, you already know you're a hillbilly and are proud of it. Of course, if you fall into this category, you're not reading this because you don't have a computer or know how to use one even if you had one. Of course, if you did have one, who's to say you could add all these big numbers up? Of course, who's to say you can even read to begin with? While you should be legally restricted from reproducing, instead you probably have a kid every nine months like clockwork. Instead of hanging your head in shame at being such a waste of a human life, you walk with head held high and parade your hillbilly ass around for lesser hillbillies to marvel at. Just like...
