I have a confession to make. Last week when I posted House Shopping, I wasn't actually still looking for a house. We had already found one. Unfortunately, it didn't have most of the items on my shopping list. In fact, I don't think it has any. I was hoping for the nudist lesbian neighbors who like to sunbathe in the front yard, but no such luck. On one side we have a neighbor who has two yapping dogs that never shut the hell up who are not kept on leashes so they just shit everywhere. On the other side there's some lady with a mullet and very minimal intelligence. Yesterday as I was hauling boxes in the front door of the new place this lady said "Have they rented that place out yet?" Rather than my usual remark I would reply with about geniuses who ask stupid and/or obvious questions, I just answered that yes they have. The next question was "Who are they renting it to?" Yes, she asked the guy lugging boxes into the house who was moving in. At this point, I knew anything I said would come out completely rude, so instead I just pointed my thumb at my chest, waved, and walked inside, wondering at the profound stupidity of my new neighbor.
Other than the neighbors, the house seems like an okay place. Oh, except for the basement. Yeah, I know basements usually are creepy, but this seems ESPECIALLY creepy. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure all of the following things are living in the basement at my new house:
-The Loch Ness Monster
-The Joker (The Heath Ledger version, not the Cesar Romero version).
-The Swamp Thing
-The Addams Family
-The ghost of the Crocodile Hunter
-Ben Affleck
-Hootie and the Blowfish
-Michael Richards
-Monica Lewinsky
-Kevin Costner
-Bill Cosby
-Tupac Shakur, who is hard at work on his next album that will soon be "found" by relatives digging through his belongings
-Bo Jackson
-Michael Jackson
-All the former American Idol winners
-Osama Bin Laden
-Joan Rivers, hiding from the sunlight so her face doesn't melt off
-Waldo