So the other day I had to get a haircut. I personally don't give even half of a shit about my personal appearance, but I'm moving into a bit of a management position at work, and apparently customers don't want to see a fat scraggly dude when they come in to eat. So I took my thirteen bucks and went to get a haircut. I fucking hate haircuts. Not just a minor dislike or a feeling of inconvenience. I fucking hate them. Haircuts are right up there with vegetables and emo on the list of things that piss me off.
First, there's the people who work at hair salons. I need to find me a good old-fashioned barber shop just run by some old fat guy who has a TV permanently set to ESPN with Playboys to read while you wait. But alas, such places are becoming hard to find in these days where everything is done en masse. The barber shops of old are being replaced with larger hair salons run by fat disgusting bitches who think they're fashionable. There are very few attractive women working at hair salons. Or at least at the ones I'm unlucky enough to find. The other day when I went in to get my hair cut there was some bitch with a rat-tail. I was really glad I didn't get her because there is no fucking way I'm letting someone with a rat tail go near my hair. Other than that, it was pretty typical. Overweight bitches with tons of makeup, frilly shirts, nerdy glasses, and annoyingly colorful scarves who acted as though they had no idea just how fucking ugly they were. They also seem to have no idea just how fat they really are and always have really tight shirts that do nothing but accentuate their rolls and show disgusting fat chick cleavage. And whenever I'm getting my hair cut I always seem to get the fattest one in the tightest shirt and always end up with them bending over and I get a face-full of fat saggy tits. It's enough to make my penis pack up its' balls and leave. Just disgusting.
Then they never believe me when I say I just want them to cut it so it's just long enough that I can wet it down and go. I really don't give a crap about my personal appearance. Nobody seems to understand that. I'm not trying to impress anybody. I get my hair cut when I have to. I do it when I'm getting pictures taken, it needs cut for a certain occasion (ceremony, job interview, etc.) or when it just gets to be a pain in the ass. Other than that, I leave it alone. I don't even own a comb for God's sake. I wake up in the morning, take a shower, dry my hair off with a towel, and whichever way it falls is just ducky with me. So when I say just make it short enough to wet it down and go, the overweight hair sylists seem to have trouble comprehending that. It's like they keep expecting me to say "Just kidding, I really want a (insert hairstyle here)" or "I want my hair to look like (insert celebrity here)" and it just isn't going to happen. I don't care what my hair looks like. At all. It's very simple. I don't have hairstyles. I just have times where I haven't had a haircut in a while.
Another thing about these annoying bitches that piss me off is they always try to get me to talk to them. I'm not there to be social with these ugly retarded bitches. I'm there to get my damn hair cut and get out. I don't care how long you've been working. I don't care what you have planned this weekend. I don't care about your boyfriend, your kids, your puppy, your new STD, or anything else about you. Likewise, I don't want to talk about my job, my fiance, my cats, my itchy nut sack, or anything else. I don't give a shit about your life and you don't give a shit about mine. Let's just cut the crap and get it over with so I can go home and get back to my busy life of watching TV and playing video games.
Finally, what just might piss me off the most about getting a haircut is when people comment on it like dumbasses. The best is when people say "Did you get a haircut?" No dipshit, my hair just happens to be a foot shorter today than it was last week. What a fucking stupid question. What other possible explanation in the world could there be? I used to come up with smartass responses (but I never resorted to "No, I got ALL of them cut") but anymore I find that just isn't enough. I need to do something more just to make these people really feel like the village idiot they are. So I just stand there and stare at them in silence like they're the single biggest fucking moron I've ever seen until they get uncomfortable, apologize for being such a waste of a human being, and walk away while hanging their head in shame. And another thing, when people tell you your haircut looks nice, aren't they really saying you didn't look nice before? Doesn't that mean that when your hair grows back out to its previous length, you will then look "not nice"? Or at the very least, less nice than you currently look? "But Randy," you say, "people are just trying to be nice." Yes, they are trying to be nice, but they're really saying you looked like shit before.
You know what I just thought of? I know this is kind of a tangent, but I was reminded of it when talking about how people say something as a compliment, when really it's an insult in disguise. Why is it every Christmas I get asked to dress up as Santa Claus? Is it because I like kids so much? No. Is it because I'm so fucking jolly? No. Oh, wait a minute, I've got it. People ask me to be Santa Claus because I'm fat. Yeah, that's it. God that irritates me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sensitive about my weight or anything, it just baffles me that it's generally seen as impolite to insult someone about the shape of their body, yet every December, it's suddenly okay to call people fat. If someone calls me fat in June, they're seen as a rude person. But when December rolls around and people ask my grumpy ass to dress up as Santa Claus because I "look the part" suddenly that's okay? When people say "Randy, you're fat" I can respect that because they at least have the sack to be honest and tell me straight. It always gets my goat watching people squirm when I ask why they asked me to play Santa Claus. It usually goes something like this.
Dumbass: Hey Randy, we need someone to dress up as Santa Claus and we think you'd be a good person for the job.
Me: And why is that?
Dumbass: Um....welll...because...
Me: Do I seem like I enjoy the company of kids? Do I have the right disposition to be asking kid after kid what useless material shit they want to satisfy their greedy nature on our culture's annual celebration of the commercial empire?
Dumbass: Well...no...I just thought you...
Me: Is it because I'm such a jolly person with an easy smile and a twinkle in my eye? Do I laugh great gales of laughter at life's small pleasure?
Dumbass: Well...no...
Me: Then why do you think I would make such a good Santa Claus? What about me would make me a good representation of jolly old Saint Nick?
Dumbass: Well...I suppose...you coul say...er...I guess you...well you kind of look the part...I suppose...
Me: You mean I'm fat?
Dumbass: No no no, that's not what I meant?
Me: Then how do I look the part of Santa Claus if not because of my weight?
Dumbass: Well...you have...er...
Me: Do I have a big white beard?
Dumbass: Well no...
Me: Am I wearing big black boots?
Dumbass: Well...no...
Me: What about a red suit and a red hat with a fluffy white ball at the end?
Dumbass: Well that shirt has a little red in it lol!
Me: So you're saying I would make a good Santa Claus because my shirt has a small amount of red coloring to it?
Dumbass: Well...yeah...I suppose.
Me: I think you're saying I'd make a good Santa because I'm fat.
Dumbass: If you don't want to be Santa Claus, you don't have to, I just thought you might enjoy it.
Me: Oh, so we fat people enjoy being dressed up and used as a spectacle every December? I didn't realize that. What a generous offer.
Dumbass: Oh...err...I'm sorry.
Then they run away in shame. Boy, I really derailed myself on this one. On that note, I think I'm going to call it a night.