What makes a good porno? The hot chicks with their titties flopping around? The pervy dudes with long hair and mustaches? The shitty 80's-style music? The wonderfully horrible acting? It's a subject that has sparked many a debate over the years. Here, on my web site, I list six things that, in my expert veteran porn-watching opinion, all good pornos must have.
1. There has to be at least one penis.
I figured I would go ahead and make the most debatable qualification first. Many people will disagree with me on this one, saying that you don't watch a porno to see some dude's schlong. I can see this point, but I must respectfully disagree, and I'll tell you why in a moment, but first, a clarification on what I mean by at least one penis. What I mean is that there can be as many titties flopping around as they can fit in a camera shot, but there has to be a man in the scene somewhere. There doesn't need to be more than one, (although those types of pornos do tend to score highly in my sixth qualification) but there has to be at least one. The reason there has to be one is that when you watch a porno, you have to be able to pretend that someday, somehow, on some planet, in some other lifetime, you could be that pervy-looking dude with the three chicks fighting over his junk. It's hard to pretend you could be involved when it's two raging lesbians at a rug-munching convention.
2. The man attached to said penis can't be a total train wreck.
Again, some people will disagree, because you don't watch a porno to check out the guys, but again I'll explain why the guy can't be horribly disfigured or unspeakably ugly. Mind you, they don't have to be Mr. Universe, but they shouldn't be really ugly either. The reason for that is that watching a porno, just like watching any normal movie, requires a certain suspension of disbelief. It's hard to suspend your disbelief when the chick looks like she could have been prom queen, and the dude looks like Quasimodo. Plus if you have a really, REALLY ugly guy, it can be a distraction.
3. They can't be giving stage directions or interacting with the cameraman.
This goes along with the suspension of disbelief I was talking about in my last paragraph. It's like if you go to the movie theatre to watch a Spiderman movie. You don't want to be watching a scene, and all of a sudden Tobey Maguire says "Oh shit, I forget my line. Can we start that scene over?" We know it's just a movie, but it would completely ruin the story to have something like that in the middle of a scene. Just like in porno when a cameraman is just standing there filming some chick's snatch for like ten minutes, so all of a sudden she stops faking an orgasm long enough to say "Pan up." It totally ruins it.
4. The chick or chicks has to be hot.
I've heard some argue that pornos are better when the chicks look like real, normal chicks, but I happen to disagree. If I wanted to see a normal chick naked, I'd go to a bar, pick out a normal-looking chick, buy her a few drinks, and see the real thing.
5. It has to have funny music.
Funny music is almost as essential a part of porno as naked chicks. A porno without funny music is like bowling without the goofy shoes. Sure, you'd never be caught wearing shoes like that under any other circumstances, but without them, bowling just wouldn't feel right.
6. It has to be degrading to women.
There is a time and a place for nice, boring sex between equal partners in a relationship. Porno isn't it. The whole point of a porno is to act out the fantasies of the viewers. When I watch a porno I want to see the dudes say and do things I couldn't get away with in real life. In real life, I can't go around telling hot chicks I've got a gold necklace around my junk and all they have to do to get it is polish my knob. If you actually said and did some of the things guys do in pornos you'd get sued, shot, or, at the very least, kicked square in the balls. And besides, watching a porno that isn't degrading to women is like watching a movie where nothing blows up. What the hell is the point?