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This fucking show is responsible for perpetuating the myth that everything works out in the end, because in this show, no matter how bad you fucked up or how terrible an event happened, it was always fixed by the end of the show. BULLSHIT! Life doesn't work that way. This fucking show has single handedly ruined the lives of millions of people by making them think that everything works out in the end. So when shit happens in real life, instead of moving on and dealing with their problems like they should, people think to themselves "Oh I remember when this happened on The Wonder Years, so if I wait a couple weeks, things will just work themselves out naturally and everything will be wonderful." WRONG! What happens in real life is that nothing gets solved, your problems get worse, and you're more depressed because you thought things would work out because you watched the fucking Wonder Years. Below is a summary of how my life would have worked if real life were like The Wonder Years.
High School
If I lived on the set of The Wonder Years, high school would have been a glorious time for me. I would have laughed all day long with my friends, I wouldn't have had to get a job, and girls would have been drawn to me like flies. I would have had all kinds of friends, I would have been the star of the football team, and the teachers would have all loved me to death. What actually happened was the exact opposite. I was always pissed off (still am), I got a job as a sophomore, and I didn't have my first date until winter of my senior year of high school and my first girlfriend didn't come until I was twenty. All the girls I liked in high school dated everybody except me. I hated ninety percent of the people at my school and they hated me back because they were a bunch of rich pompous assholes with nothing better to do than piss me off. I quit the football team because it would have been impossible to keep my job and handle the workload of my Honors and AP class schedule and play football. Plus the coach was a dick. He threw a chair at one of my best friends. And a good number of teachers hated me because I wasn't an ass sucking piece of shit like the other students. In my English class we were assigned this shitty book to read the summer before our freshman year and we had a discussion on the book the first day of school. The teacher asked me if I liked the book and I said it sucked. I was never forgiven for speaking my opinion.
Senior Prom
If The Wonder Years were realistic, I would have gone to the prom with that one person I had been practically in love with for years, and in that one night, everything would have magically come together and we would have shared our first kiss on the dance floor and lived happily ever after. I did go to the prom with the girl I had dreamed of being with for quite some time, but she was in a bitchy mood all night, she looked like her dog just died, and she hardly looked at me or spoke to me. So basically my dream girl took a dump on my prom and that was the end of any chance there was of anything happening with her. But I got the last laugh because a little over two years later I deflowered her little sister. Of course I had been dating her little sister for eight months at the time and another few months later she dumped my ass, but I'll get to that in a minute.
College
According to the Wonder Years philosophy on life occurrences, your roommate your freshman year of college is supposed to be your best friend and you're supposed to make all kinds of friends and you're supposed to meet someone when you get to college and you fall in love and live happily ever after. My roommate was a dickhead who was also a millionaire and just happened to have a full ride because he was dyslexic. But in order to get his full ride he had to agree to work for one of a group of companies upon graduation. So he had a free education and a guaranteed job, and he was a millionaire. Oh yeah, and for a while he was on academic probation because he was fucking stupid and he didn't go to class. He had four times the amount of scholarship money that I had, and at one point my GPA was four times his. Very fair. I made a decent amount of friends, but I haven't talked to anyone I went to school with since graduation. And I did meet a girl the first couple days I was at school. She ended up dating my rich roommate with a full ride and a guaranteed job after graduation. But it's okay, it isn't like they had sex in my room while I was in it asleep or anything. They mustn't have been very good because they never woke me up.
Post-Graduation
I was poor in college and I didn't get enough scholarship money so I had to work to pay the rent so I was unable to get a co-op or internship or anything, so now that I have my bachelor's degree I am unable to get a job because I don't have any experience. Lucky for me I still have my bullshit cooking job. It's not like I have student loans for a useless degree to pay off or anything.
First Love
In The Wonder Years, when you get dumped, one of two things happens. Either you realize you're better off without them or they come running back to you a few weeks later because they miss you and you live happily ever after. BULLSHIT! When my ass got dumped I spent most of a year waiting for that phone call where she wanted me back. The closest I got was a phone call telling me she wanted her pans back that she left at my apartment. I have illustrated below what transpired as relates to the pans in question.
I am proud to report that bitch never did get those pans back. I had fun taking the smelliest shit of my life on her pans and then throwing them away. They were nice pans too. Well they're nice and shitty now bitch. And you know what? I hope somebody tells her about my site so she can read this article and figure out what happened to her pans. I TOOK A SHIT ON YOUR PANS BITCH!