At work, we have a radio in the kitchen. For a long time, we didn't have it in the kitchen because it was deemed to be an unnecessary distraction (which it is), and I believe it was a health violation or something. Anywho, a couple months ago, some asshole dragged it out of the office and brought it back into the kitchen and the damn thing has been pissing me off ever since.
First of all, there are no good radio stations in the Dayton, Ohio area. They all suck. Every one. First, there's about a thousand country stations because there's a ton of white trash in the area. Second, there's a few rap stations. Third, the few rock stations all fight with one another to try and be the shittiest rock radio station in America. First you have this shitty classic rock station that plays the same 50 songs over and over. If you only listened to this one station, you would think "Stairway to Heaven" was the only song Led Zeppelin ever recorded. Then there's a station that used to play a nice mix of newer hard rock and more acceptable classic like Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, etc. that I can actually listen to without wanting to punch somebody. Well, when the new crappy classic rock station that only plays 50 songs started up, this other station I actually liked completely changed their format to play almost all classic rock just to drive this other station out of business, so that station went to shit, too.
And then there's "The X."
Now, just by reading "The X," you're probably thinking to yourself, "Gee, Randy, I bet they act like they're a really cutting-edge station that plays nothing but the best, loudest, and ballsiest music that you can actually play on the radio without getting fined by the FCC. But, Randy, I bet that in spite of how they view themselves, they really play nothing but cookie-cutter-emo-pussy-hippie-shit." If you said that, then you're right. They do think they play ballsy music, but in fact play a bunch of cookie-cutter-emo-pussy-hippie-shit. By the way, I expect residuals when that term becomes the new accepted genre title for all the crap they play on MTV. Now don't get me wrong, some of the stuff they play on "The X" isn't horrible. As a matter of fact, they're very good about playing the worst songs by some very good bands I happen to listen to myself. Of course they never play the good songs by good bands, but hey, I suppose you can't have your cake and eat it, too.
In all seriousness, "The X" annoys the fuck out of me. For every one song they play by a band I actually don't despise, they play ten by Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, and all those other cookie-cutter-emo-pussy-hippie-shit bands. They're the worst source of new music this side of MTV. And they're DJ's are a bunch of fucking idiots. Today, the guy on the morning show was telling a hilarious story about how he goes to sleep with Breathe-Right strips, and last night, he went to bed with a wet nose so the thing slid up his face and this morning when he woke up it looked like he had a butterfly on his forehead.
ISN'T THAT JUST FUCKING HILARIOUS? AREN'T YOU JUST ROLLING ON THE GOD DAMN FLOOR LAUGHING YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS OFF? NO? WELL ME NEITHER, BECAUSE IT ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY AND THOSE STUPID ASSHOLES NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Okay, I feel better now. But anyway, when I'm at work, I don't force people to listen to my loud, Satanic crap, because I'm what you call "cognizant of others." That means I keep the feelings of others in mind rather than, oh I don't know, asking your coworker if he likes listening to the radio, then when he says no, you ask if he likes "The X," then when he says "The X" is the worst fucking radio station in Ohio, you turn the radio onto "The X" anyway. You see, I don't do that to other people. I know that not everyone likes listening to Marylin Manson as much as I do, so I don't force anyone to. I would appreciate the same courtesy in return from my coworkers, but this is America, so deep down, most people don't really give a shit about anyone else. This forces me to either listen to shitty music, or listen to my coworkers bitch about me not letting them listen to shitty music. It's a tossup. I usually go by how annoying the songs on the radio are that day. It would be so much nicer if that fucking radio just disappeared. Which is why...
Ways I want to break the radio in the kitchen at work...
Throw it in a bathtub.
Microwave it on high for 20 minutes.
Hit it with a sledgehammer.
Hit it with whichever asshole brought the damn thing in there in the first place.
Force named asshole to eat the radio, piece by piece.
Attach it to the bumper of a car for a demolition derby.
Put it in a vice and see how long it lasts.
Use it as a soccer ball.
Use it as a baseball.
Use it as a golf ball.
Use it as a snowball and throw it at someone.
Drop it off the Empire State Building.
Suspend it from a fishing pole right behind a horse's hind legs, then tickle the horse.
Run it over with my car.
Run it over with a train.
Run it over with a fat chick.
Drop it out of a plane.
Drop it out of a plane over Kentucky.
Drop it out of a plane over a Good Charlotte concert.
Find a way to bring machines to life, bring it to life, force it to listen to ten minutes of cookie-cutter-emo-pussy-hippie-shit, then watch it commit suicide.