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I am in the process of doing my laundry. Normally, laundry isn't something that pisses me off, but today is different. As I was putting my clothes in the washer, I noticed a green flyer hanging on the wall. The flyer was printed up by a group of students at the college of business at THE Wright State University, where I graduated from last June with my bachelor's degree in marketing. Apparently, the business college is doing a "Clothes that Work" program, whereby they collect business attire and give it to the less fortunate, and help them find good jobs to get them on their feet.

Time out.

I spent thousands and thousands of dollars getting my education at Wright State. I went to class. I got the grades. I earned the credits. I did the work. I graduated with my bachelor's degree. And I actually did it in four years. Those of you who haven't been in college don't realize just how much of a rarity it is to actually get your four year degree in four years. A lot of people take five or six years, or even longer, depending on their work and financial situation, their dedication, and their major. By my last quarter in school, I was by far one of the youngest in almost all of my classes by at least a year or two. I did all that, and at the end of all that, what did it get me? Nothing. The school I spent thousands of dollars on couldn't get me a job, but now they want me to donate a business suit so they can find some fucking homeless guy a professional job?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for helping out other people when they need help, but this pisses me off. Here I worked my ass off to get my degree so I could get a real job, and it didn't happen. Now the same school that was unable to get me a job is going to take that job and give it to somebody who is unqualified, has done nothing to earn it, and most likely won't last anyway? There are plenty of jobs out there that we could give homeless people that wouldn't interfere with a qualified, hard-working candidate being able to get a job. For example, why don't we get them jobs at Taco Bell? As I understand it, Taco Bell is barely a job anyway. They'll hire any dumbass who applies, regardless of work ethic, skill, intelligence, or ability to speak proper English. That would be a great job to give an unskilled worker and it wouldn't interfere with anyone getting a real job they've studied and trained hard for.

God, college is such a waste. If you're in high school, here's a few thousand dollars' worth of free advice. If you want to be able to get a job where you can earn a decent living, you have three options. First, if you really want to go to college, pick a major that literally pushes you into the field and experience is part of the course work, like teaching or nursing. You see, employers don't want education, that's horse shit. Employers want experience. You can be dumber than shit as long as you have experience. Unfortunately, most majors are impossible to get good experience in. In business, for example, you can get internships and co-ops, but most of those are either unpaid or pay very little. That won't work if, like me, you have to pay the rent and buy your own food while in school. Of course, if your parents pay for everything, then you've got it made. If, on the other hand, you have to work through college, you might as well save your money.

Your second option is learning some sort of employable skill, such as auto repair, electrical wiring, or construction. You know, all the "smart" kids make fun of the kids in high school who are in the auto-shop program, but they have jobs now, so they got the last laugh.

Third, just save your money and climb the ladder at whatever job you can. Wherever you are, whether it be as a bagger at Kroger's, a stock boy at Wal-Mart, or the drive-thru attendant at Burger King, just work your way up. Do the best job you can do, do whatever your managers ask of you, and be the best worker you can. Set advancement goals for yourself. Whenever your job has management positions available, inquire about them. If they don't feel you're qualified, ask what you have to do, then work on that and the next time a management job is available, ask again. If you can get to a management position, doors will open for you. Trust me, the phrase "management experience" carries a lot more weight on a resume than the phrase "bachelor's degree."

I know for you high schoolers this must be a shock. You're used to all your guidance counselors feeding you a bunch of horse shit about how important it is to get a college degree. That was true twenty years ago, not anymore. In today's cost-cutting economy, companies don't want to spend time and money on training, so they hire people with experience. Call me a conspiracy nut, but I have this nagging suspicion that guidance counselors are secretly bribed by colleges to tell their students how important college is, just so they can suck all your money out of you.

It's kind of like the unholy alliance between colleges and book publishers. You spend a hundred dollars on a book for a class, and if you're lucky you can sell it back for twenty. The school then turns around and sells the book for ninety-eight dollars and fifty cents. More often, however, you can't sell the book back because there is a "new edition." This more than likely means that they added four words to the glossary, Chapter 4 has a new paragraph in the introduction, they changed one of the sample test questions for Chapter 13, and Figure 4.6 on page 168 has been updated to account for the world's population growth over the last six months. In other words, they're just making an excuse to not buy your book back. At WSU, we had to take what were called Great Books classes. You could choose between English literature, philosophy, and a class on the Bible. I chose the Bible because I've actually read the entire Bible twice, so I figured it would be pretty easy, and it was. However, I needed to buy a copy of the Bible for the class, so I got the recommended version at the school bookstore, mainly so I could sell it back at the end of the quarter. So I went back ten weeks later and lo and behold, they wouldn't buy back my copy of the Bible. And why, you ask? BECAUSE THERE WAS A NEW VERSION. That's just great. A new version of the Bible. The most recent material in the Bible was written in the late first century A.D., but somehow there was a "new" version so I couldn't sell it back. Just perfect.

So you see, college is a big ripoff. If you want to go because you're one of those dumbasses who talk about how education is a benefit in and of itself, then fine, go to college. If on the other hand, you aren't retarded and only want to go so you can get a job, you'd better do some thinking. I didn't and look where it got me. My bachelor's degree is so meaningless to me now that I don't even know where it is. For all the good it's done me, it isn't even worth the paper it's printed on and it cost thousands of dollars, which I will be in the process of repaying for the remainder of my natural life. Look at me, I have a college degree and I wear a fucking name tag and an apron to work. That's just swell. Fuck college.

crap from 2005