I've been watching a lot of standup comedy recently, both amateur and professional, and I keep seeing something I just don't understand. I keep seeing a lot of comedians, and even just regular people making jokes about how fat they are. Except most of the jokes are coming from people who aren't fat. Like the other day at work I heard a girl joke about how she needs to go on a diet, and she was about as big as one of my legs. It's like bitch I've taken bigger shits than you. Speaking as a legitimate fat guy, there is nothing more irritating than hearing someone who's about three beers over 200 pounds who can still see his own penis talking about how fat he is. They're posers.
There should be some rite of passage you need to take before being able to make jokes about being fat to protect the integrity of fat jokes. Like maybe sitting on a metal chair and breaking it or clogging an industrial-strength toilet. I should bring that up at the next fat guy meeting next month at the Golden Corral.
I just don't understand it. Why are people so eager to talk about how fat they are? It isn't like fat people are some cool, exclusive group like the Navy Seals or A.A. It's actually the opposite. Fat people are the last minority left that it's okay to discriminate against.
You don't believe me? Try gaining a hundred pounds, just see how easy it is. Most businesses blatantly discriminate against us fatties. See, you can get fined for having a business that isn't handicap-accessible. BUT, there is no such fine for having a business that isn't fat-accessible.
And airplanes, I hate airplanes, but not for the same reasons as most people.
A lot of people don't like to fly ever since 9-11 because they are afraid of terrorists. But the thing is, you are much safer in a plane than you are in a car. Think about it, there are a lot of bad drivers out there. Young drivers, drunk drivers, woman drivers, it's frightening. I'll take my chances with the terrorists thank you.
No, the reason I don't like planes is because, they are not fat-accessible. The last time I flew was with my wife on our honeymoon. And we flew coach because we're poor so of course the seats are not very big. These seats were so small, I had part of my butt cheeks on the seats to the right and left of me. My wife was in the window seat next to me, and I was so far into her seat, that she was smashed up against the window like a fly on a windshield. When we landed I had to peel her off the window with a bucket of Crisco and a spatula.
But the real problem was the seat belts. I finally got myself into a workable position to sit, but when I went to put on the seat belt, it was about six inches too short. Now I realize money is tight, but really, do you have to scrimp on the seat belt budget? Making small seats at least makes sense, because if you have smaller seats, you can fit more on the plane and make more money. I get it, that makes sense to me. But seat belts? Really? Is that six inches of seat belt material on a $100 million plane really going to sink the budget?
So there I was, my fat ass without a seat belt, when the friendly little stewardess walks by to make sure everyone is buckled in. I explain that my belt doesn't fit, which is a real problem because the plane can't take off until everyone is buckled in. The stewardess had no idea what to do. Apparently this had never happened before and I was the first fat-ass to ever waddle onto that plane and nobody knew what to do. So she was asking other people and they didn't know either and pretty soon I had the whole flight crew staring at me like I'm a bus accident.
Meanwhile the plane can't take off because my fat ass still didn't have a seat belt on so the flight attendant got on the radio to explain the situation to everyone. “Sorry everyone, there's a slight delay in our takeoff. We have a fat passenger who can't fit into his seat belt so we can't take off yet. We're working to find a solution, but as soon as we get the fat guy buckled in we'll be taking off. Once we're airborne flight attendants will be around to pass out your in-flight sodas and snacks. Except the fat guy. He doesn't get any.
So now in addition to the whole crew staring at me like they're trying to solve a story problem I've got a hundred pissed-off passengers glaring and yelling at me because my fat ass is holding up their flight plans. It's like I'm sorry, I didn't realize my ass was an inconvenience to other people. Had I realized this would happen I would have passed on that second Ho-Ho.
Finally one of the crew got on the radio to ask someone else. Yes, that's right. My ass is so big they had to call in a specialist to get me on a plane. When the fat passenger specialist got there he had a fat guy seat-belt. He called it a “Belt-extender.” Basically it's a seat-belt extension cord for people too fat for a regular seat belt. I think that's when I realized just how fat I was. When I found out I need a special fat guy seat belt.
Another thing that's not very fat-accessible? Sex. Seriously, fat people sex is like playing darts blindfolded. You can't see everything, so you're really just guessing where everything is and where it goes. You might not even be doing it with the right parts. It might be the wrong parts, or a random flap of skin, or an old Twinkie, you never know. So you just keep on guessing until you find something that works, do that until you fall asleep, and call it a win. Then you wake up the next morning and you're all like “Aww man, where'd my Twinkie go? I was gonna eat that!”
The other nice thing about being fat is how polite people are when they remind you how fat you are. Like when you go out to a restaurant that has both tables and booths. Now, a lot of fat people can't fit comfortably in booths, so the hostess is probably trained to recognize that fat people will want to sit at tables. But they also are probably trained that if you assume a fat person wants a table, you may offend them because they think you're assuming they want a table because they're fat. So most likely what that hostess has been trained to do is ask fat people if they prefer a booth or a table. Except it's really obvious because they only ask the fat people for their preference.
I'll be waiting at the hostess stand at a restaurant, and I'll watch the hostess seat fifteen people in a row at booths without asking their preference, but all of a sudden my fat ass gets up to her and she asks me if I would prefer a table. And since I'm an asshole I like to make people uncomfortable so I'll ask her why she asked me if I would prefer a table. So obviously she isn't going to say “Because you're fat” so she makes up something like she wants to make sure I'm comfortable with my seat. So then I ask why she cares about my comfort more than the little Chinese man in front of me that she immediately took to his table. So pretty soon I'm standing at the hostess stand by myself because the hostess ran out of the building crying.
Christmas-time is my least favorite time of the year to be fat, which is amazing considering there's all that bitchin candy. But on the other hand, Christmas is the only time of the year when it's socially acceptable to call people fat and expect them to take it as a compliment.
For example, every fat person has had at least one year where somebody is organizing a Christmas party and you're sitting around getting all the details together, and then that one asshole turns to the fat person and says “Oh hey, you should be Santa.” Like, gee, why do you think I should be Santa? Is it because I'm so fuckin jolly? Oh it's because I look the part, why is that? Am I wearing a big red suit with black boots and a hat with a fluffy white ball on the end? Is it my enormous white beard? Oh no, it's because I'm FAT.
One year that happened and I actually had to give the guy credit. I asked him why he thought I should be Santa and he said it was because I liked having strange children sit on my lap. Touche.