Express Lanes

I was at Meijer today standing in line to use the U-Scans. I like U-Scans. I can get in and out much faster, plus it makes the condom-buying experience much less of an ordeal. You just grab a magazine, fold the magazine around the box of condoms, and then when you get up to the checkout lane you take the condoms out of the magazine, slide them across the scanner and into a bag before anybody sees what you're doing. Of course that doesn't work if the U-Scan says out loud what the product is. I had the misfortune of buying condoms one time at a new store where I didn't realize the U-Scan read the name of the product out loud. So I got the condoms and put them in a magazine, scanned and slid them into the bag as usual, and then all of a sudden the U-Scan said "TROJAN MEDICAL DEVICE!" People eight lanes over knew I was buying condoms. Needless to say I never bought condoms there again. And why are people so embarassed to buy condoms anyway? Are we embarassed of the fact that we're having sex? Or are we embarassed about using condoms? Or are we embarassed because we don't want complete strangers to know what we're doing that night? I don't know, but it doesn't make sense. As large and unattractive as I am, I should be proud to buy condoms. Instead of hiding it, I should hold the condoms up over my head and every time somebody walks buy I should shove them in their face and say "Look, I'm getting laid tonight! Isn't that exciting?"

So the moral of the story is that I like U-Scans and today I was at Meijer standing in line for one. Now, the U-Scans at the Meijer I shop at say "Express Lane: 12 Items Or Less." Now pardon me, but I don't think that leaves a lot of room for interpretation. "Express Lane" means it's supposed to go faster than a normal lane, and "12 Items Or Less" means that you only stand in that line if you have 12 items or less. I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

Tell that to the retards in the checkout line. There are four U-Scans, when I got in line with my three items, all four U-Scans were occupied and there were five people waiting in line in front of me. The two U-Scans on the left side were occupied by two people who were normal, not retarded, not totally inconsiderate of others, and they all had 12 items or less. The two on the right side were a different story. The stupid old man in the first one wasn't even doing anything. He was standing there talking on his damn cell phone laughing. I don't know what the fuck was so important that he had to talk right then rather than ring up his fucking groceries and get the fuck out, but he was there for the entire time I was in line. Then the other one was occupied by this dumb bitch who didn't even speak English with her three little foreign babies who were really pissing me off. I counted 27 items in this bitch's cart. 27. Right under the sign that said 12 items or less. And not only was she in the express lane with 27 items, she didn't even know how to work the fucking thing. When you scan an item, you set it in a bag on the scale. That way, the scanner knows if you're ringing up the correct items. Well this bitch put every last item back in her cart. She would scan it, and put it back in her cart, so the U-Scan would need cashier verification to make sure the lady wasn't stealing items. So the cashier would politely place the item in the bag on the scale and then inform the bitch that she needed to put her items in the bags rather than back in her cart. Well apparently that was too hard for this foreign retard because she did the same thing EVERY FUCKING TIME. So once every thirty seconds the cashier had to walk over and take her item out of the cart and put it in the bag. What is so fucking hard about that? She showed her what to do at least fifteen times. She was scanning her groceries when I got in line, and she was still scanning fifteen minutes later once I finally got through. As a matter of fact, so was the old fucker on his cell phone. I and five other people in front of me in line got up to the U-Scans, got our orders scanned and bagged, and left in the time those two shitheads were dicking around. I mean shit, move your ass, bitch. I'm trying to get out of there with my TROJAN MEDICAL DEVICE!

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