Pete writes:
Hey Randy, I love your crappy site. Keep it up bro. I was wondering if I asked a question if you would answer it on your site? If you could fuck any chick at all in the history of the world, who would it be? - Pete
VERY good question. I've dealt with this question before on a current level, but never before have I thought about which historic chicks I would nail. That's a tough one. There's three different ways you could go.
First, you could go for the historic hotties like Marylin Monroe or Helen of Troy, but that's too easy of a pick. I think you have to be a bit more thorough if we're making this anybody of all-time. You need to look at the short and long-term ramifications. You could pick someone powerful like Cleopatra or Queen Victoria and then trick them into falling for you so you end up rich and powerful out of the deal. Other candidates would be the early feminist leaders like Susan B. Anthony and Margaret Thatcher. That may sound odd but think about it. Face it, they only had their maxi pads in a knot because they desperately needed to get laid. If they'd have gotten a good dicking now and then they would've been happy, they would have shut the fuck up, and men today would still be able to pinch their secretary's ass at work without getting in trouble.
OR..........you could do your best friend's mom. Think about it. For the rest of your life you could hold that over your their heads and there isn't a damn thing they can say about it. I mean really, let's say they beat you 10,000 to nothing in a game of Madden, then they put a Kick-Me sign on your back and give you a swirly. All you have to do is say "Oh yeah? Well guess what? I FUCKED YOUR MOM!" You win. There's nothing they can say to that. Not a damn thing. You fucking win, no matter what they do.
I had a similar experience in my younger days. I was completely head over heels with the same girl through my junior and senior years of high school. I had never been as into anybody as I was into her. It was one of those things where I met her and she had me wrapped about her finger from the get-go. Finally, we got really close and I asked her to the senior prom and she said yes. I was so excited. And then the day came and it ended up being the single worst day of my life to that point. Nothing went right, she was a bitch, and she didn't even look at me. I had also bought Pearl Jam tickets (this is when they were still good) for the two of us and two friends, because we were all huge fans. Once again, she completely ignored me, didn't even sit with us, and was a total bitch the entire fucking day.
Why am I telling you this story? Because two years later I deflowered her younger sister. I fucking won. No matter how much shit I went through because of her, in the end I won. Just fucking somebody's little sister is enough, but when it's her first time it just makes it a thousand times better. To this day, I still smile from ear to ear thinking about telling her that I made her little sister a woman.
Okay I completely lost my train of thought. That's just such an awesome story that I forgot what the fuck I was writing about. Oh well. I hope I answered your question.
If you have a question or comment, feel free to email me at mail@acrappywebsite.com