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Country music puts me in an angry, violent mood. I fucking hate country music. I hate everything about it. Country music is annoying for several reasons. First, the music itself. Even without words, that twangy hillbilly shit is enough to make me spit nails. I feel less intelligent when that shit comes on. It feels like all the twanging and fiddling is seeping into my brain and scaring all the information away. I think intelligence is actually frightened of country music because it's so God damn stupid. The day shift likes to listen to country music so whenever I work the day shift I get to hear a fucking hillbilly sing-along. And they wonder why I don't talk when I work during the day. Mainly because if I allowed myself to open my mouth I would probably spew an endless stream of obscenities about how fucking retarded that shit is. Yesterday I got to work just in time to hear some redneck sing about how if you want to play in Texas, you gotta have a fiddle in the band. A fiddle is the official instrument of hillbillies. It is impossible to sound intelligent while holding a fiddle. You could write a song for the fiddle where you explain higher level Calculus concepts and still sound retarded.

Secondly, I hate country music because it's so overtly religous. If I actually liked country music, I would be offended at all the religious references in it. Apparently, only Christians like country music. I really don't see the point in separating regular country music from Christian country music. There is no difference. Probably a third of the songs I hear on country stations have at least one reference to God or Jesus or some other such religious notion. Like that fucking Alan Jackson song he wrote to cash in on 911. Now granted, I don't listen to country music, but I never heard his name before that song. All of a sudden, a few thousand people die in a terrorist attack, Alan writes a song about how sad it is, and he's a big star. Now I'm not saying he's an opportunistic son of a bich or anything, but, oh wait, yes I am. Alan Jackson is an opportunistic son of a bitch. But anyway, in that song he talks about how God says we should love each other. That's great Alan. I'm sure those terrorists really gave a fuck what some damn hillbilly remembered from Sunday School when he was only a little hillbilly. Wait a second Alan, here's a wild theory, do you maybe think those terrorists were of a different spiritual belief system than you? Like maybe, they thought they were doing what they thought their God wanted them to do? But you know what Alan, you're right. Those terrorists should have thought about what Alan Jackson learned God wanted us to do when he was a little hillbilly. I mean after all, when you do something you think God wants you to do (like write a song and get rich from the tragic death of other people) do you take the time and call people halfway across the world and ask if their religious beliefs support that? Don't get me wrong. I am in no way justifying the attack. It's just that in my humble opinion, the last thing you should do when trying to make sense of a tragic event is apply your religious belief structure to that event, assuming the entire world shares your same beliefs, especially knowing full well the people were of a different ethnic and religious background. It was a terrible thing, but you should never assume your beliefs onto anyone else.

Third, I hate country music because the lyrics are so God damn stupid. Only on country stations do you hear songs about front porches, whipoorwhills, bowling, alcoholic grandmothers, and "forbidden" relationships (which usually ends up meaning she's under eighteen). I even heard a song where some jackass (I don't know which jackass) sung about how you always have somebody watching over you, and it doesn't matter whether you call them a guardian angel, a muse, or karma. As if the three words have anything to do with one another. One of the many definitions of muse can be as a guiding spirit, which makes it somewhat similar to a guardian angel, but the reference to karma makes me shake my head. Karma is the idea that what happens to you is a result of your own actions. One has nothing to do with the other. Listening to country music is like listening to someone who speaks English as a second or third language. Some of the words they use may be close to the correct word or definition, but the sentence as spoken just doesn't make a lot of sense. And the best part about country music is that most music is written by different people than the singers. Apparently they can't even come up with their own ignorant shit to sing, so they have to pay somebody else to do it. Kind of like how all the boy bands never wrote their own music. Let's face it, people who listen to that shit are too fucking stupid to know if it's a well-written song or not anyway, so you might as write your own poorly-written shit as opposed to using somebody else's poorly-written shit. Fucking stupid assholes.

crap from 2005