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I hate classic rock. I've been meaning to write about how much I hate classic rock for awhile, but after my last article reminded me how much I hate having to listen to that shit at work, I'm ready to write it now. I work with a bunch of God damn hippies who swear up and down that classic rock doesn't suck. And then when they found out I don't absolutely love classic rock they had an hernia and accused me of being a Communist and Satan worshipper because classic rock is the greatest music ever and there was no possible way a human being couldn't like it.

There is this one radio station in the Dayton, Ohio area that plays classic rock. You see, almost all the local radio stations are owned by the media giant, Clear Channel. A couple years ago Clear Channel decided to reformat the area's only station that exclusively played classic rock. There's another station that plays a mixture of classic and new rock, but the only all-classic rock station was changed. This prompted some shithead to start an independently-owned classic rock station in the area. Not only does classic rock suck, but this fucking radio station plays the same shit over and over. If you only listened to this one station, you'd think Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, and a lot of other classic rock bands only ever recorded three songs. And they play almost exactly the same songs every fucking day, often times more than once a day. I once heard "Stairway to Heaven" three times during one eight-hour shift at work. And this station prides itself on not having any DJ's. They say it's to make the station more listenable because DJ's are annoying, but it's really to cut costs to compete with Clear Channel. Plus instead of DJ's they play a promo for the station of some retard calling in about what a great station they have. I think every single trailer park resident in the Dayton area has called in at one time or another. It's fucking annoying as hell.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying every classic rock song ever recorded sucks. Just 99% of it. I do like a lot of Aerosmith Led Zeppelin, and, oh no wait, I guess that's it. Everything else sucks. And the songs they play from them on the radio I don't even like. I can't stand "Walk this Way", "Dream On", or "Stairway to Heaven." Below I've chosen to discuss some of classic rock's worst offenders as far as releasing shitty music and why they piss me off.

The Beatles

I have yet to hear a Beatles song I liked. With such classics as "Help" and "I am the Walrus," I can't help but fart in the general direction of the radio every time the Beatles come on. And half of their songs you can't even tell what the fuck they're talking about. So, you're the walrus huh? Yeah okay John, why don't you go smoke another one. Fucking hippie.

The Steve Miller Band

First of all, I hate bands named after the lead singer. When there is more than one person in the band, I think it is only proper to have a name that doesn't only emphasize one member. Second of all, their music sucked. I swear to God, if I hear "The Joker" one more damn time, I'm going to kill somebody. It was annoying the first eighty-five thousand times I heard it and it's sure as hell annoying now. And "Fly Like An Eagle" has become an anthem for hippies everywhere, and every time I hear that song I want to find a hippie to punch.

Bad Company

I fucking hate this band. Any band that has a song named after the band where all they do is talk about how great they are, is just a bunch of arrogant cocks and they should be shot. And besides their song about themselves, every fucking song is about sex. Only they don't want to come right out and say it's about sex, so they say "love" instead. There is a big difference between sex and love, you can't use the two interchangeably. They talk about wanting to get laid and try and make it sound all sentimental. Rather than just be honest about how they feel and say "I'm horny, let's fuck," they say "I feel like makin' love." Fucking pricks. And then there's the songs where he talks about how he always gets whatever he wants and he wants you, or how you should leave your current relationship because he wants to do you and he's so much better than your current guy. Once again, being an arrogant cock.

Grateful Dead.

I have had a lot of friends who really liked the Dead, and I wasn't too familiar with their music, so I decided to check them out just to see what everyone was so excitied about. After listening to five minutes of the Dead, I realized that all my friends were doobie-smoking hippies. I don't understand what anybody who isn't high could see in that music. It almost put me to sleep.

Pink Floyd

Ditto. I worked at a radio station one time and we had a nightly feature where we played a half-hour feature of all Pink Floyd music every night at eleven o'clock. They got rid of it after three consecutive DJ's fell asleep during the Pink Floyd block.

Bob Seger

"Old Time Rock and Roll". Need I say more?

Kiss

Kiss is one of those bands that has a really annoying song that is heightened by the fact that every shithead in the area feels the need to sing along with the radio every time it comes on. Nothing is more annoying than being at work and hearing all my coworkers singing along about how they want to rock and roll all night and party every day.

Queen

Queen had a ton of sing-along hits, including the infamous song from possibly the single most annoying movie scene in history. Why did everybody think it was so God damn funny when the cast of Wayne's World was singing along with "Bohemian Rhapsody?" It was fucking stupid and annoying. That whole movie was stupid and annoying and inspired countless jackasses to repeat "Do you have any Grey Poupon?" for no fucking reason for years afterward. God I hated that movie. Oh and we can't forget "We Will Rock You and "We Are The Champions" because apparently it is a federal law that they must be played at every single athletic contest in the nation. They're fucking stupid songs and I have to hear them all the time. And the nod for most annoying song in history probably goes to Queen for "Killer Queen." If there was any question whether or not they were gay, this song cleared that up.

Lynyrd Skynyrd

First of all, I fucking hate how they spelled their name. Using all those y's isn't clever asshole, it's just stupid. Secondly, "Free Bird" and "Sweet Home Alabama" are two of the most annoying songs ever to grate my ears. These two songs also have almost automatic sing-along power, which makes them even worse. At the radio station I worked at, our program director actually got so God damn tired of these two songs that he forbid anyone from playing those songs, under penalty of being fired. The meeting at which he announced that policy was the happiest day of my life.

The Who

Their song "Who Are You" has possibly the worst lyrics of any song ever written that wasn't penned by somebody named Kid Rock. "Whoooooooooooo are you? Who, who, who are you? Whooooooooooooo are you? Who, who, who are you? (Tell me who are you?!) Whoooooooooooooo are you? Who, who, who are you? Whoooooooooooooooooooo are you? Who, who, who are you? (I really wanna know!) Whoooooooooooooooooooo are you...

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE! JUST TELL HIM WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE AND GET IT OVER WITH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

God I hate classic rock.

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