people hate going to church as much as I do
I was doing my grocery shopping today, minding my own business when some jackass walked up to me in Kroger and handed me a gay little religious pamphlet and invited me to go to his church. Apparently I looked like I need Jesus. Maybe he saw me checking out that ten-year-old girl's ass. Whatever inspired him to do so, he came over, gave me the pamphlet, and started droning on about the importance of going to church and having a relationship with Jesus Christ. I politely told him I had no interest. He kept talking to me. I told him once again, more forcefully this time, that I wasn't interested and I just wanted to get my groceries and go home and beat off to some internet porn. He still wouldn't give up on trying to save my soul. So I punched him in the mouth. While he was lying on the ground, I dropped my 27 lb. bucket of kitty litter right on his groin, and then ran over him with my shopping cart. I then took the kitty litter bucket, went over to his car, and smashed the tail lights in, and then took a shit on his windshield. I felt much better.
Anyway, church sucks. I was raised in a Christian home and was forced to go to church every single Sunday morning, some Sunday nights, and most Wednesday nights too. Church involves getting up early on Sunday, when decent people are sleeping in until three or four. It also involves listening to some asshole drone on about stupid shit I don't care about for what seems like days. I think time actually moves slower inside churches. I think if you shave immediately before going to church, time actually slows down so that when you think you've been in church for two hours, you go outside, look in the mirror, and you have a five o'clock shadow. I once got so bored in church that I decided to beat off. Not in the sanctuary, although that would have been quite a story and I wish I had. I think that's why God is always fucking with me, for beating off in church. I picked the part of the sermon I thought was going to be the most boring and then went to the bathroom. I then proceeded to think about the Little Mermaid and touch myself. After I was done, I had to wait to go back to the sanctuary because I was laughing too hard. Once I stopped laughing I went back. Since I had probably been in the can for a good half hour my parents asked if I was okay, so I told them I had raging diarrhea. The truth would have killed them.
I haven't been to church since high school and I've never been happier and more well-rested. Below is a list of twenty-five things I would rather do than go to church again.
1. Stick my dick in an electrical outlet.
2. Let Rosie O'Donnel sit on my face.
3. Watch an Olsen Twins movie (at least you can turn the sound off and touch yourself).
4. Walk in on my brother having butt sex.
5. Fight Mike Tyson and before the fight dip my ears in chocolate.
6. Listen to a recording of people shitting.
7. Have sex with the middle Hanson kid. The one that looks enough like a girl to do him in the butt and pretend he's a chick.
8. Eat a hot dog made of my own feces.
9. Get breast implants.
10. Get a penis reduction.
11. Mud wrestle John Madden.
12. Have my name changed to Goat Fucker.
13. Watch gay porn.
14. Staple my ass cheeks together.
15. Get a mullet.
16. Be Ray Lewis's tackling dummy.
17. Get pubic lice.
18. Watch a Ben Stiller movie.
19. Chew my own hand off.
20. Don't flush my toilet for a month.
21. Watch MTV.
22. Be on the front page of USA TODAY-naked.
23. Make out with Roseanne.
24. Walk into Cuba's capitol building and call Fidel Castro a fag.
25. Die.
people hate going to church as much as I do