acrappywebsite.com

Well, Halloween has been over for more than a week now and we all know what that means. The beginning of the most annoying two months of the year. Christmas isn't quite as annoying as Valentine's Day, but you only have to put up with Valentine's Day for that one day. Our commercialism-driven culture has managed to take a one-day religious celebration and stretch it into an agonizing, two-month-long, shitfest.

The first thing that pisses me off about Christmas is the music. Jesus Christ almighty, I hate Christmas songs. No other holiday has its own music. And no other music, with the exception of country and rap, is even close to the level of annoyance I experience with Christmas music. Let's examine a few Christmas classics to get an idea of just how God damn annoying Christmas music is. First we have "Jingle Bells." First of all, bells are gay. Second of all, who the hell has ever ridden in a one horse open sleigh, much less described that shit as being fun? I know I've never ridden in a one horse open sleigh, but it sounds bumpy and cold. If I want to freeze my dick off while getting bumped around, I'll drive down a street with a lot of potholes in January with the car windows open. Second we have "Feliz Navidad." This song is quite possibly the most annoying song in the universe. Not only is it a Christmas song, but it's a Spanish song too. If I want to hear Spanish music, I'll move to Mexico. Third we have "Deck the Halls." Who the hell thought "Fa la la la la, la la la la" was a good lyric? It sounds like something a baby would say before they've fully mastered the art of speech. And finally we have "We Wish you a Merry Christmas," a song in which the same line is repeated over and over again until all listeners in the area become angry and violent.

Another thing about Christmas I hate is how everyone pretends they're all happy just because you're supposed to be happy at Christmas time. I got news for you. My mood is at its foulest in December. And it doesn't help that everywhere I look people are smiling and laughing like jackasses because it's the societally expected thing to do. And whenever I say anything about Christmas pissing me off, some shithead has to say "Bah humbug, Mr. Scrooge", as if they are the first person to ever think to say that in real life. And that's another thing. If I ever invent a time machine, the first thing I'm doing is going back in time to kill Charles Dickens before he could write that damn story. Was saying "Bah humbug" actually fashionable in England during the Industrial Revolution? Because it sounds pretty stupid now. And who the hell names their kid Ebenezer? No wonder he was so cranky. Maybe if he had a normal name like Joe or Fred he wouldn't have always been so pissed off at the world. And Tiny Tim pisses me off. Thinking the world revolves around him because he can't walk. While everyone else feels sorry for Tiny Tim, I want to bitchslap that little queer right to hell.

Another thing I hate about Christmas is it's one more opportunity for people to try to convert me (as if they need a reason). The next time somebody tells me to "Keep Christ in Christmas" I am going to keep my foot in their ass. Maybe I'm tired of Jesus trying to dilute the commercialist meaning of Christmas. Did you ever think of that? And what the hell are we celebrating anyway? So he got born, big freakin deal. How God damn hard is it to get born? Yeah, way to go Jesus. You got born. Big fucking accomplishment. It isn't like billions upon billions of other people have been born over the course of history. Or maybe we're congratulating him on being born to a virgin. Which reminds me, just how stupid was Joseph to actually believe that God got his fiance pregnant? Virgin birth my ass. Mary was about as innocent as Courtney Love. Trust me, Mary did not get pregnant by God. Personally I think she was banging the shepherds.

But what pisses me off most of all about Christmas is the fact that it's expensive. Why the hell am I expected to spend a bunch of money buying shit for people I see only on major holidays. We don't give a crap about each other except on major holidays, yet every Christmas we're supposed to buy shit for each other. And half the stuff I get in return is a bunch of useless crap. One year I got a footstool for Christmas. What the hell am I supposed to do with a footstool? Like it would inconvenience me way too much to put my feet on the floor so I need a footstool so my feet can be that extra ten inches off the ground. And people always say that it's the thought that counts. What the hell is the thought behind a God damn footstool? God dammit I hate Christmas.

crap from 2004